Protocols...

I’m torn.  I used to trust Dr. BFP but now I’m not so sure.  Maybe I jinxed him by naming him Dr. BFP?

When the nurse called to tell me my cycle was cancelled she said they had put me on the long lupron protocol because I was young and healthy and they thought the endo was mostly blocking my tubes, but my ovaries responded like I was about 10 years older.  What bothers me is that most of the other endo girls I’ve talked to were never put on the LLP because they’re docs expected their ovaries to act older than they are.  Why didn’t my doc know this?

Maybe this is what I get for going to Motel Six instead of the Ritz Carlton?

I’ve always wanted to see Dr. Sher in Vegas but the stress of travelling has been a big part of holding me back, and of course the cost… 

Currently I’m trying to convince Dr. BFP that instead of the microdose flare protocol he wants me to use he should put me on the agonist / antagonist conversion with estrogen priming protocol (A/ACP+e2v) that Dr. Sher recommends.  I have a feeling he’ll fight it hard, or just say no.  I ran the idea of immunological implantation issues by him when we had our first consult and I could tell he wasn’t a big Dr. Sher fan…

So now I’m torn, do I proceed with a cheap cycle with Dr. BFP and see how it goes, then go with the big guns with Dr. Sher if it doesn’t work?  Or do I switch right away if Dr. BFP won’t try this protocol? 

If I start travelling for IVF I will have to tell my work about it and I’m not really ready for that, there are so many things to worry about now, I miss the care-free girl I was 2 weeks ago.

Is blogger broken again?

Not sure if it’s just me or what but I can’t seem to comment on anyone’s blog today, not even my own…  So I apologize again for not being the best ICLW participant, I swear I’m trying!

Indulgance

It’s my first ICLW and I took 2 days off blogging/commenting!  Sorry for being a slacker but now I’m back, I promise.  I’ve linked to some of my older posts that you might find interesting if you’re new to my blog, I think they show up as pink words.

Blue and I had a great weekend with friends and family.  I was feeling pretty mad at the universe because I had done EVERYTHING right and still wasn’t any closer to being pregnant, so I did everything I’ve denied myself lately.

I ate Gluten, I ate dairy, I drank coffee, I drank wine, beer, champagne, etc. I rode jet skis.  I lived my life.  No regrets.

I’m back on the train for a bit though; I’ll be good again until we leave for Europe (in 7 days!)  While we’re there I’ll be stocked up on Cel.ebre.x for the pain and La.ctai.d for the tummy.

I feel like more has happened in the last week than I am even able to process and I’m a little mentally overwhelmed by it.  Blue came home, it’s been incredible to have him home but that means less sit and process time for me which I guess in the wake of the shitty ovaries revelation is probably a good thing.

I processed these things about myself/Blue/TTC since Tuesday while explaining to people why we had to cancel this IVF...

1. I have to Deal with the ovaries I’ve been dealt.  I was given shitty rapidly ageing ones and now I just have to play the game a little different.
2. I really want to be pregnant.
3. Neither Blue or I care about having a biological child, we just want a child.
4. I’m not ready to consider adoption because it means I wouldn’t get to carry my child and I really want that experience at least once.
5. I care more about our babies having Blue’s genes than mine, his are better.
6. I’d like to try at least once more with my eggs, but I’m totally OK with moving on to donor eggs in the near future.

I’m actually torn because at this point we’re just ready for a child and I hate to keep wasting time and energy on a futile cause...  So here is to hoping this isn’t a futile cause and this next attempt at IVF will bring us our little miracle.

Welcome ICLWers!

Welcome ICLWers!  This is my first time participating and I’m excited to find new blogs to follow! 

As the title of my blog suggests, I am just another endo girl trying to make a baby in the arctic.  I blog about the rollercoaster called infertility, sometimes I get down in the dumps but I try hard to get back up as quick as possible.

Here is a quick recap of the last 2 years…

Dropped the BC, laughed about baby names, cried every time AF showed, had endo surgery, Dx with stage 3 endo, cried some more, tried clomid, went gluten and dairy free, tried acupuncture, tried IVF, found out my ovaries are old.

The old ovaries thing is new.  I found out last Tuesday that I wasn’t responding to IVF meds very well.  Tuesday was a very bad day but I’ve been able to find some light in the darkness.  Blue, my fabulous hubby, and I are going to Europe for three weeks starting next week and I plan to eat as much pasta, cheese and wine as I can get my hands on. 

I hope you’ll follow me on this crazy ride and I hope I make you laugh along the way.

Reasons I Should Be Happy

I made this list as a reminder of the good things for when I get down in the dumps.  So in an effort to return to positive Polly, here are the positive things that came from the rollercoaster of the last few weeks.

Blue is Home

Everything is easier to survive now that he is home.  He doesn’t know what to say but just the fact that he’s calm and gives good hugs helps a lot.

Time

Because the stars aligned and we were able to start our cycle early we found out that my ovaries are shitty earlier.  If we had waited it would have been that much harder to hear.  As it is now we need to take a month off anyway and we just happen to be spending the next month in Europe.  Maybe the stars aligned again... 

Wine

I get to drink wine in Italy.  I’m not sure this requires an explanation.

Bikini

I will be laying on a Croatian beach, much like the one pictured above in about 2 weeks.  I will be wearing a bikini and there will be no bruises on my belly or butt.  I also hope that the damn Lupron bloating will have gone down…

Jetskiing

Memorial day weekend at my parents cabin.  I will go jet skiing and I will not worry about shaking out the baby.

Withered Ovaries

Here is the story now that I’ve had time to process and cry and then cry some more.

I thought that I had mentally prepared myself for everything that could go wrong with this cycle. I was prepared to hear I over-stimulated and needed to hold off on transfer.  I was prepared to hear we had to stim a few extra days.  I was prepared to hear we had no embryos left to freeze.  I was even prepared for a BFN. 

I was not prepared to hear that my ovaries responded like a 40 year olds should.  I was not prepared to have my entire cycle cancelled.  Even with the low follicle count at the ultra sound the word “cancelled” never even crossed my mind.

How could I have been so unprepared??  I was so worried about being positive Polly that I let myself get blindsided.  I don’t think I’ve ever cried for as long or as hard as I did yesterday, talk about an emotional wreck.

I thought that the low follicle count was the bad news, it wasn’t.  They want your CD8 E2 levels to be above 800 and mine were at 79.  That’s right, a whopping 79.  I basically didn’t respond at all.  The follicles that the ultra sound tech told me about were too small to consider according to my doctor.  I had only one 10 mm follicle and that’s what they’d expect to see from a normal woman on a normal cycle with no meds. 

Isn’t endometriosis enough?  I always knew I’d been dealt a rough hand with the endo and associated pain and infertility, but I just assumed that was it.  I guess it wasn’t and I wasn’t prepared to hear it.  Now I have a whole lot more to worry about.

The path forward is to stop all meds, have a period, start BCPs (so I can enjoy Europe with less pain) and then start the next cycle when we get home.  The new protocol will be microdose flare.  I really don’t even know what that means yet.  I don’t know anything right now but to breathe through it and distract myself until I can be alone and break down again.

I would really appreciate any advice (or happy stories you’ve heard) from girls who’ve been poor responders to the long lupron protocol and where they went from there.  If you’d like you can email me at lindsey(dot)l(dot)hunter(at)gmail(dot)com.

Cancelled

I can't really write more now but we're offically cancelling this cycle.  I'll write again when I can breathe.

A Little Disappointed

We went in for our first follie check today.  I’m disappointed… Maybe I shouldn’t be, maybe it’s premature but I’m still down in the dumps.

I had 4 or 5 follies over 9 mm on my right ovary and 2 or 3 over 8 mm on my left.  There were a few other small ones that I doubt will amount to much.  Seven decent follies feels really mediocre.  I’m not used to being mediocre.

Hopefully the doc will call before 2 pm and let me know what the plans are because right now I’m feeling pretty low. 

Guess now I’ll go G.oog.le the crap out of follicle counts and ooccyte outcomes…

...Update...

My nurse just said that my estrodiol levels are really low and asked if I'm taking all my meds.  This can't be good.  I'm freaking out.

Blue is home!

This weekend was fabulous!  Blue came home Saturday morning and we made the most of our weekend.  It was so fun to go out and do things with out being the 3^rd wheel (or other odd numbered wheel).  He has given me all of my shots since he got in, which is awesome!  Something about not actually sticking myself makes it go a little smoother and quicker.

Tomorrow is my first estrodiol draw and ultra-sound to check how many follies we’re cooking up.  I’m nervous and anxious which is silly because no matter if I’m cooking 1 or 50 there isn’t anything I can do about it.

I’ve done everything right.  I haven’t eaten gluten or dairy.  I quit caffeine and alcohol.  I’ve been resting and avoiding high impact work outs.  I’ve taken all the appropriate vitamins and herbs (27 pills/day).  I’ve been getting weekly acupuncture. 

I’ll repeat it, I’ve done everything right, but somehow just saying it doesn’t make me any less worried…  Will my stupid endo ovaries fail me?

Started Stims... Still Alive

Turns out I am a spaz.  I was so worried about the Follistim pen that I rushed home from work to watch a youtube video of how to work it.  Its super easy, that’s probably the point of the pen huh?  So while I watched the video I put everything together, I guess I expected it to take an hour because when it was all ready (after the 4 minute video) it was 6:15 and I don’t take my meds until 7… so then I sulked away and watched the Voice (which is fabulous) for the next 45 mins until it was time for my shots.

It also turns out that sticking yourself with two needles isn’t really that much harder than one needle.  My ovaries were already hurting before the Follistim though so I’m expecting some significant pain for the next week.

In case you were wondering, endometriosis sucks.  I’m sure that it presents differently in every endo girl, but for me, when I have ovary pain my legs go numb from my hips to my knees.  It’s a really awkward, painful, strange feeling.  I haven’t had it much since I went gluten free but now it’s back and in action, which surprises me because I always assumed it was from ovarian cysts and I know I don’t have any right now.

Well, the point of this story is that I’m afraid heavy ovaries may translate to a week of hell for me, a week where I can’t take any Celebrex, which is the only thing that works on the pain.  I’m sad too because Blue is just getting home and I just want to have fun with him, not lay around on the couch miserable. 

Good bye Lupron (ok... 1/2 of Lupron)

This is what I did last night. 

I’m trying to fully enjoy my last few days of bachelorette life.  I also watched Glee Prom.  Over all it was a fabulous night for a girl all alone but I’m ready for Blue now.

Last night was my final Lupron only night, I’m looking forward to dropping the dose.  I start stimming today, 150 IU of Follistim and drop my Lupron to .5 cc.

I don’t know why but I’m worried about how to use the stupid follistim pen… It’s been forever since I had my lesson on how to work it and I realize it’s a silly thing to worry about but I’m still worried.  I have an acupuncture appointment today so maybe that will calm me down!

Here are a few questions for you girls who’ve been there and done that. 

1. I’ve heard that Follistim makes you really feel your ovaries but does it also make you bloat?  Worse than Lupron bloat? 
2. How long does it take for your ovaries to start hurting?  Will I be miserable already by the time Blue gets home??
3. If I ice my stomach before the shots can I give them in the same iced area or do I need to give them in completely different spots on my stomach?
4. Am I a total spaz?

Ok, well now I have to do some work and stop stressing about things I cannot change… much easier said than done.



Blue is Coming Home!

Blue is coming home in just a couple of days.  It’s crazy how some days it feels like he’s been gone years and some days it seems like he just left.

I can’t wait to hug him, hugs from other people are nice but they’re just not the same.  I’ve really missed my best friend.

I’m excited for him to become a part of this IVF process.  For most of our TTC journey he’s gotten to miss the hard parts.  For the first year we were TTC I was on the slope every time AF showed so he never experienced the tears on his shoulder.  He wasn’t in Anchorage when I had my surgery and somehow didn’t even know that I was going under anesthesia until 2 minutes before they wheeled me in...  My mom went with me to almost all of my doctor appointments including the initial consult with Dr. BFP (if you’re laughing because I still take my mom to Drs appointments that’s ok, but I do, because I’m still 12 at heart.)

Anyway, Blue has had a really busy life for the last few years and he’s missed a lot of this stuff and I’ve missed having him around.  I didn’t realize how much I’d left him out of this crazy IVF journey until the other day, he asked a question which made me realize he had no idea what was going on.  Apparently the only parts of IVF that he’d picked up on were shots in the butt and egg retrieval.  So I had to fill him in on all the other parts.

So folks, you probably won’t get too many updates this weekend because I’ll be busy hugging him and teaching him how to give me my shots!  I'll leave you with a photo of my fab husband.

A-Z revisited

I love how small the IF blogging world is!  About a month ago I wrote this post: IF A-Zs, I hoped it would spread around so we could all learn more about each other, it worked.  Now when I'm blog hopping around I almost always come across someones A-Zs.  I wish there was a way to link back around so that we could see them all.  Any of you out there a blog or computer wiz?

So anyway, I keep coming across these A-Zs and I have to laugh because when I wrote them I couldn't think of any word to use for the V until I thought of this CRAZY story about how a girl with no vagina got pregnant after a combo of oral sex and a knife fight...  Now most of the poeple who I've come across have never read my A-Zs so they don't realize why I'm asking about their vagina and they're responses are always some where between: uhhh I have one? and a-ok.

The point of this story is I love blog hopping and finding peoples A-Zs so lets try and some how link them all together.  Maybe everytime I come across one I can add it to this post and we'll just start a long list?

Update:  Here are the blogs I found just today that have jumped on the IF A-Z bandwagon!  I love that we are all so interconnected!  I bet if they tried the 6 degrees of seperation on an internet infertile it would be more like 2 degrees...

Ashley at Traditionally Non-Traditional

S at Miconceptions about Conception

Princess at The Princess and the Peestick

Lisa at The Pursuit of Pregnancy

JMM at Just us Chickens

Belinda at Lovin' Ma Soldier

Lisa at TTC Fatty

A and J at Coakley's Journey

J at Jsquared

KC at You Wouldn't Even Make an Omelet with Stale Eggs

Nic at Trying 4 a Baby

Lucky Z at Club TTC  

Josey at My Cheap Version of Therapy  

Liz at Compromised Fertility  

So Maybe Lupron isn't Cake...

Shooting Lupron in my chubby stomach, cake.  Lupron coursing through my hormonal body, not cake.

I felt great the first day of my Lupron shots, I felt OK the second day too.  From there on it all went down hill…  I was so tired from just working on Friday that I fell into bed at 6:30 PM and slept for 13.5 hours.  I wake up nauseous and it comes and goes all day.  I have right side ovary pain and the numb leg that always comes with it.  Plus head aches and general lack of give a damn.  Oh also I think its making me a little mean, Blue got a pretty good talking to the other night for not asking me how I was feeling.

This all hit me hardest on Sunday, Mothers day.  I had said the week before that I’d host the whole family for dinner, but when I woke up I was too tired to do anything.  Luckily my mom and sister came and helped but I felt like such a bum.  I sat on the couch while everyone else worked (and I was the only one in the room that wasn’t a mother….)

Anyway, I’m not very pleased with Lupron but I’ve heard it’s the worst so please keep your fingers crossed for me that those reports are true.  Blue comes home a few days after I cut my lupron in half and start follistim so hopefully he gets some energy and enthusiasm out of me!

Now on a positive note: I want to give a HUGE shout out to Princess over at www.theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com on her BFP!!!  She is an amazing woman and one of the few that I want a BFP for even more than I want one for myself, she will be a kick ass mom! 

Coming out of the blog closet

I have to admit it.  My blog is a secret.  No one in my real life was ever supposed to know about it.

That all ended just before Blue left when he used the internet on my IPad and asked why I kept going to this same site?  So I had to come clean and but I asked him not to read it so that I could still vent and have a safe place to do it.  He said he would stop reading it but he lied. 

Hi Blue.

Now I’m considering coming out of the closet to everyone else.  I’ve recently connected in a crazy way with a fabulous blog buddy in real life and it turns out we’ll probably end up spending a bit of time together and will let blog stuff slip every once and a while.  I’m also about to meet another awesome girl in a week or so who is coming to AK for IVF with Dr. BFP!

So I realize, as my blog friends become my real-life friends, maybe my real-life friends need to become my blog friends too.   

I read back through most of my old posts today and I don’t think there is too much info that would offend the average fertile.  I tend to veer away from TMI talk about CM and what not so they shouldn’t be too grossed out.  Basically I’ll just be letting them in to a little extra slice of my psyche, if they even choose to read it.

So what do you think ladies?  Should I come out of the closet?

Winning like Charlie Sheen

I can’t believe I finally have stuff to blog about and I’m too busy to write it down!  I’ve started 3 different posts in the last 3 days and haven’t had time to finish them!

Here is the quick version: The lupron is cake!  I passed the pre-IVF suppression check today!

Here is the long version: 

Lupron vs. Lindsey

I didn’t realize how much I had worked myself up over an itty bitty shot, literally a tiny ½ inch needle!  My mother in law, who is a nurse, and my father in law, who is a doctor, came over to give me my first Lupron shot on Tuesday.  There was a lot of build up because we talked about it a bunch and then my parents happened to stop by at the same time and then finally, an hour later, I got poked. 

Here was my response: That was it?  It hurt less than some of the acupuncture needles I’ve had. 

It was so easy Tuesday night that I decided to do it myself last night and just have my MIL watch to make sure I was doing it right.  I was.  I’m feeling a little nauseous but over all fabulous.

Final score: Lurpon 0, Lindsey 2

Pre-ultra sound vs. Lindsey

I’ve been stressing about this check up since my first appointment in February.  In February I had one 2+ cm complex cyst on my right ovary and one 1 cm simple cyst on the right ovary.  As I’m sure you all know, any cyst seen on a pre-IVF ultra sound means, best case you have to keep suppressing to get it to go away, or worst case they have to go in and drain it (the same procedure as egg retrieval.)

I think I was justifiably worried since:

1. I always have cysts on my sucky ovaries

2. We don’t have time for delays

3. We don’t have time for delays

So, in my usual fashion, I let the worry built until my appointment today and freaked out every time the tech measured something.  As if a good wanding wasn’t fun enough on its own, I kept jumping a squealing every time she tried to get the cross hairs on what I thought might be a cyst!  Not even joking, I did this 3 times while she was still looking at my uterus… When she was close to ready to kill me I finally suggested that maybe she should just walk me through what she was measuring.

I learned the following fun facts:

1. My uterus is not quite as "perfect" as I thought it was, it actually tips backwards.

2. I have a funny left ovary that is long and skinny.

3. I hate being wanded, its creepy, I’ll never get over it.

4. I have NO cysts on either ovary!!!

Final Score: Stupid Cysts 0, Lindsey 1

Today is the BIG DAY!

The meds are here!

I'm torn, I cant decide if I can't believe this day is finally here, or if I can't believe its allready here?....

We made the decision to move on to IVF 5 months ago, the day I decided I was ready.  I may take a while to make a decision but once its made I'm allready moving forward with it, so it was hard to sit back these last 5 months and wait, and wait, and wait. 

The wait is finally over.  I have so many questions; how the meds will make me feel and if I can even figure out how to work the follistim pen (technology is sometimes frusterating)?  The truth is that all of these questions will just be answered as they come and I can't do anymore planning or obsessing than I've already done.  Now I just have to sit back and see how my body behaves.  Hopefully for Blue's sake it behaves well since he comes home about a week and a half into starting my meds!

I went on a great hike last night with another endo buddy and she was able to quell most of my fears about the meds so I'm feeling ready.  Thank you again to all of my blog friends for all your thoughful comments and support, I really don't think I would have made it to this point in the journey with out going crazy if it hadn't been for you guys!