Indulgance

It’s my first ICLW and I took 2 days off blogging/commenting!  Sorry for being a slacker but now I’m back, I promise.  I’ve linked to some of my older posts that you might find interesting if you’re new to my blog, I think they show up as pink words.

Blue and I had a great weekend with friends and family.  I was feeling pretty mad at the universe because I had done EVERYTHING right and still wasn’t any closer to being pregnant, so I did everything I’ve denied myself lately.

I ate Gluten, I ate dairy, I drank coffee, I drank wine, beer, champagne, etc. I rode jet skis.  I lived my life.  No regrets.

I’m back on the train for a bit though; I’ll be good again until we leave for Europe (in 7 days!)  While we’re there I’ll be stocked up on Cel.ebre.x for the pain and La.ctai.d for the tummy.

I feel like more has happened in the last week than I am even able to process and I’m a little mentally overwhelmed by it.  Blue came home, it’s been incredible to have him home but that means less sit and process time for me which I guess in the wake of the shitty ovaries revelation is probably a good thing.

I processed these things about myself/Blue/TTC since Tuesday while explaining to people why we had to cancel this IVF...

1. I have to Deal with the ovaries I’ve been dealt.  I was given shitty rapidly ageing ones and now I just have to play the game a little different.
2. I really want to be pregnant.
3. Neither Blue or I care about having a biological child, we just want a child.
4. I’m not ready to consider adoption because it means I wouldn’t get to carry my child and I really want that experience at least once.
5. I care more about our babies having Blue’s genes than mine, his are better.
6. I’d like to try at least once more with my eggs, but I’m totally OK with moving on to donor eggs in the near future.

I’m actually torn because at this point we’re just ready for a child and I hate to keep wasting time and energy on a futile cause...  So here is to hoping this isn’t a futile cause and this next attempt at IVF will bring us our little miracle.