I read a post by another infertile today that inspired me, there is a line where she says “I will remain infertile ‘til the day I die.” That line rang so true to me, and so it inspired this post.
I know I’m pregnant but I wish that people in my life realized that I’m not just pregnant, I’ll never be just pregnant, I am and will always be a pregnant infertile.
While I was laying on the hospital bed Tuesday morning and the nurse told me they were going to admit me for pre-term labor I immediately started bawling. The nurse asked me if I was OK and all I could say was, “but this baby was so hard to get.” Thats all I could think over and over.
Two weeks ago, at our 23 week appointment, I found myself asking my OB about viability again. I told her the truth, that if we lost him I wasn’t sure I could do this again. I know we still have four snow-babies waiting on us in Vegas but if we lose Marek I don’t know if I’d have the heart to even try again, and then there we were 1 week later in the hospital hearing that we might lose him. Being in the hospital, all the meds, bed rest, none of it is easy but I will do anything for him.
I hope this is a sign of how I’ll feel as a mother, I hope this means that having been through infertility will make me a better, more appreciative mother. I hope that the things that normal moms complain about will roll off my back, I hope it means I will literally sacrifice anything for him.
As I write this Marek is kicking the laptop, I can’t tell you how happy those kicks make me.