Brokenhearted

I’m sorry I’ve been so absent from blogging the last week but my heart has been breaking for a friend of mine and I just haven’t had the words to express it, or the desire to write anything else.  Kara who writes For we are Bound by Symmetry got pregnant through her first IVF a few months ago and found out this weekend that she lost her precious little one at 9 weeks. 

Years ago, when I first started searching the internet for IF support I found a great online forum and Kara was one of the most supportive women there.  She still is.  As women came in and out of the forums with their BFPs and even for their second BFPs, Kara was there for everyone regardless of the fact that she was still waiting on her BFP.  It’s not often that you find such a selfless person, I know I’m not.  There were many women I would get silently angry with rather than support when they got pregnant after just a few short months trying, but Kara was always there for them, always tweaking their pee stick pictures and saying kind words. Her blog was the first one I read and she was my inspiration to start blogging.

I’ve hoped and prayed for many women to get their BFPs but always at the top of that list was Kara, she deserves to be a mother, and honestly I think hers was the only BFP that has made me as happy as my own.

I’ve never met Kara in person, in fact besides blogging comments and a few emails we’ve had little contact, so maybe it doesn’t make sense that her miscarriage is breaking my heart like this?  I’ve always said I don’t believe God hands out children to those he feels deserve them, but maybe I secretly hope he does?  I secretly hope that God is out there making sure that we’re looked after, maybe not when we ask for it, but at least someday.  I hope that sometimes God looks at us and realizes we’ll be incredible parents and so he spares us the pain of another childless month or year. 

Maybe I’m just selfish?  She has never had a miscarriage after all her years of trying and neither have I.  I’ve always divided infertiles into two categories, those who can’t get pregnant and those who can get pregnant but struggle to stay that way.  Kara and I used to be in the same, can’t get pregnant, category and now she’s moved over.  Maybe I’m scared that means that none of us are spared that end?  Maybe getting pregnant isn’t the hard part? 

What ever the reason is, I wish I could do anything at all to bring her baby back, I wish I could help her feel better, I wish I could take away the fear that will consume her next pregnancy.  I wish I could escape this world of cruelty it seems we all live in because at times I feel like life is just gray skies with occasional rays of sunshine rather than sunny skies with an occasional cloud.

I’m so sorry Kara, please know my heart is with you and Buster.