Today marks the ½ way point, 20 weeks. It’s strange how fast time is going now. At the beginning I was so worried all the time that it seemed like the minute hand on the clock never moved while I waited and waited for the next test or ultrasound. Now, all of the sudden a week has passed and I don’t know where it went!
I got a comment on my last post that said “congratulations on your son” it was the first time I’d thought of him as that, an actual person. I’m only now starting to embrace the fact that we’re actually having a human being, it’s almost like it was too risky to think of him like that before.
Today marks the point where if we lose the baby it’s considered a still birth and not a miscarriage. I’m not sure why that seems significant but it does, somehow a doctor acknowledging the fact that if we lose the baby I’m truly losing a baby and not just a pregnancy seems important. And yet, I don’t feel any differently about this baby today than I did yesterday, it would be no harder to lose him today than it would have been yesterday. I’m already counting the weeks until we reach viability.
I think wading through the trenches of infertility really messes with your mind. I don’t think normal fertile women contemplate things like this when they reach the ½ way point. I think normal fertile women just get excited about baby showers, newborn clothes and being on the downhill slope. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about those things too but they weren’t the first thing I thought of this morning, miscarriage vs. stillbirth was… Just like the first thing I thought of at 18 weeks was that if I went to the ER I would now get seen by the doctors in labor and delivery not just regular ER docs. Do normal women ever contemplate a trip to the ER during their pregnancy? Do they have contingency plans for what hospital they’ll head to at the first sign of distress like I do?
I took a quick picture of myself to mark the day, of course I forgot this morning but against my better judgment I snapped a picture of myself in the mirror of the ladies room at work. I was laughing about how ridiculous I felt while I took it so that is why you see the stupid look on my face…