Monday, March 18, 2013

My 44 day miracle and faith restored....


Back when I was hopeful that Blue and I might still make a baby on our own, when I was still symptom spotting and blissfully na├»ve, I goo.gled something along the lines of “early pregnancy symptoms” and it brought me to a website called twoweekwait.com.  From there I spent time obsessing with all of the other hopeful mommies-to-be and eventually the mommies-that-might-not-be…  It was my first infertility resource. 

The one thing that always amazed me on that website were two women who regardless of their fertility struggles always supported everyone else, from the teenager who didn’t want to be pregnant to the 10 year battle scarred warrior. 

These two women’s blogs were the first I read, they inspired me to read other blogs and eventually start blogging myself.  Through them I found S.I.F’s blog, and S.I.F. as most of you know has become one of my very best friends in real life. 

As I continued to blog and eventually meet more women in the trenches there were a few along the way that I latched onto a little more than others.  Not all of the connections made sense, not all of them even have a similar story to me, maybe I just connected more with the way they write or the emotion they put out, who knows?   But as anyone who blogs knows, we connect more with some than others.  Along the way most of these women got their miracle baby/ies, one way or another. 

One of these women I’d connected with kept struggling and my heart broke for her a little more each time, just like it did for those first two women I’d met through twoweekwait, and for S.I.F...

For some reason, these four women continued to be childless and honestly my heart and hope broke a little more each day, and I lost a little more faith in God's desire to perform miracles each day that these women lived without a child to call their own.  Somehow my own success didn’t matter in regards to my faith, because these four had been left behind.  I thanked God many times for helping me to survive my journey to Marek, but I purposefully didn’t thank him for my miracle, because I wasn’t sure I believed he handed out miracles to faith-lacking infertiles like me.

And then, as S.I.F and I like to joke, Uranus moved the hell out of the way and those four women, my special four, all in a matter of 44 days, got their miracles.  Each story is a little different, it’s not like they all brought home their bundles in a 44 day period, but each one hit an incredible milestone which means something vital to each of them, and in turn meant something vital to me, and my faith.

January 9th, Henry was born!  My incredible friend Kara, who I’d met in the very beginning and cried crocodile tears  for many times along the way finally had her take home baby…

February 13thLisaB reached her second trimester. In a history plagued with early losses and heartbreaks for Lisa, she could never really trust a pregnancy before this milestone, and today she’s still chugging along at 17 weeks, almost half way there!!!

February 13th, I was already on a big high because of the first two, but still aching for my other two, and then, out of the blue, Cheek’s mom called…  and in a day it appeared S.I.F’s life was going to be forever changed, and so was mine…  Overnight we all became a whirlwind of activity to prepare for a baby with one week’s notice.

February 14th, with my heart already about to burst, Lisa got her first doubling beta ever,  on their third and final attempt at IVF they finally got their dream answer!  Lisa is the odd man out, I haven’t known her through my whole struggle like the other three but I latched on to her and her story from the first time I visited her blog, I’m not even sure she’s stayed too current on mine, (because sometimes it’s not fun to read stories of success when you’re still hurting) but I still thought about her often, and checked up on her blog even when I didn’t keep up on anyone else’s.

February 21stCheeks was born.  The most beautiful little girl I’ve ever met got to meet her momma for the first time. And I got to sit in the waiting room wondering how these miracles had all happened at once…

And then I did the thing I said I wouldn’t do, I thanked God for these 4 babies, and for Marek.  I told him I was sorry that I had lost so much faith.  I cried so many tears of joy, and laughed because no one would ever really understand what it meant for me that all four of these miracles had happened in just 44 days, especially because there is no other tie between these four but me...  Why had I latched on to these four?  Why did these four mean so much?  How could all four of these miracles happen in just 44 days?  There is only one answer in my mind, the big Man upstairs.

I waited on baited breath until today to write this because I was waiting to hear how Lisa’s last US went, and, as icing on the proverbial cake, it went perfectly. 

My heart is full and my faith is restored.