Before you get worried by my title, our little man is doing great, we also decided on a name but I’ll save that for another day when I’m feeling happy. Today post isn’t a happy one. I apologize in advance to anyone that doesn’t feel like listening to me whine, I know my problems are petty in comparison to a lot of people’s, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sad, this is my blog and I need to vent.
Yesterday we had our 23 week appointment. Overall it went well except finding out that I’m gaining way too much weight. It depressed me because I pride myself on being healthy and its so critical for the babies health that I maintain a healthy weight.
I left the appointment totally downtrodden. If you’d asked me yesterday I would have told you I’d barely gained any weight since the last appointment. In truth, in a mere 5 weeks, I gained 10 pounds. I gained 2 lbs per week, a healthy weight gain at this stage is a half a pound a week.
You know when an anorexic girl looks at herself in the mirror and sees someone much fatter than she is? I think I have the opposite of that problem, I look in the mirror and see my old self with huge boobs and a cute baby bump, not the reality standing before me…
|Yesterday I woke up happy and loving my body, Blue even said I looked pretty before 7 am, then my doctor told me I'm getting fat.|
On top of the weight woes I’ve spent the last several weeks getting progressively more worried about the fact that I rarely feel our little guy moving and I never feel obvious kicks. I read the websites and books and they all say by now other people should be able to feel them from the outside and you can start to do kick counts… So being the OCD worrier I am I went into yesterdays appointment with quite a bit of trepidation.
OB found the heartbeat immediately with the Doppler and in just a few seconds heard 3 obvious kicks with it. I felt none of them. She said it is probably due to my anterior placenta and nerve function damage from years of horrific pain and scar tissue caused by endo. F-you endometriosis for managing to make my pregnancy even more stressful. Somehow you find ways to weasel yourself into every aspect of my life even when you’re supposed to be in remission.
The day just got progressively worse when I couldn’t shake the sadness, I decided to go to bed early so I could wake up fresh and happy. While I laid there trying to sleep I tried hard to feel the little guy move, at least an hour later I still hadn’t felt anything. Blue was asleep by then, I gave up, rolled on my side and closed my eyes. Out of the nowhere I felt him kick my arm (which was rested on the side of my belly.) It was the perfect ending to such a bummer day! I shook Blue awake and said “quick, feel this!! I felt him from the outside!!” He rolled over and in an annoyed voice said, “cool, but you really need to go to sleep now.”
He couldn’t have said anything worse to me. I started uncontrollably sobbing, in fact tears are coming to my eyes now just thinking about it. I’m still hurt and mad at him, I’m not sure he can fix it. For the record I’m usually pretty easy on Blue. He is your stereotypical emotionless male and I’m OK with that, he says the wrong things a lot, but he knew how much this meant to me and he was just plain mean. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are making me overreact but I don’t care, he did the wrong thing. He gave me lots of excuses after that while I cried but none of them will bring back the joy he crushed the first time I felt little man kick and to top it off he was mean to me this morning. He’s in the dog house.