Thursday, January 19, 2012

I'm fat and Blue's in the dog house

Before you get worried by my title, our little man is doing great, we also decided on a name but I’ll save that for another day when I’m feeling happy.  Today post isn’t a happy one.  I apologize in advance to anyone that doesn’t feel like listening to me whine, I know my problems are petty in comparison to a lot of people’s, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sad, this is my blog and I need to vent.

Yesterday we had our 23 week appointment.  Overall it went well except finding out that I’m gaining way too much weight.  It depressed me because I pride myself on being healthy and its so critical for the babies health that I maintain a healthy weight. 

I left the appointment totally downtrodden.  If you’d asked me yesterday I would have told you I’d barely gained any weight since the last appointment.  In truth, in a mere 5 weeks, I gained 10 pounds.  I gained 2 lbs per week, a healthy weight gain at this stage is a half a pound a week.

You know when an anorexic girl looks at herself in the mirror and sees someone much fatter than she is?  I think I have the opposite of that problem, I look in the mirror and see my old self with huge boobs and a cute baby bump, not the reality standing before me…

Yesterday I woke up happy and loving my body, Blue even said I looked pretty before 7 am, then my doctor told me I'm getting fat.
On a side note, I am glad I figured this out after Hawaii, if I’d figured it out before I never would have had the guts to wear a bikini.

On top of the weight woes I’ve spent the last several weeks getting progressively more worried about the fact that I rarely feel our little guy moving and I never feel obvious kicks.  I read the websites and books and they all say by now other people should be able to feel them from the outside and you can start to do kick counts… So being the OCD worrier I am I went into yesterdays appointment with quite a bit of trepidation. 

Our OB found the heartbeat immediately with the Doppler and in just a few seconds heard 3 obvious kicks with it.  I felt none of them.  She said it is probably due to my anterior placenta and nerve function damage from years of horrific pain and scar tissue caused by endo.  F-you endometriosis for managing to make my pregnancy even more stressful.  Somehow you find ways to weasel yourself into every aspect of my life even when you’re supposed to be in remission.

The day just got progressively worse when I couldn’t shake the sadness, I decided to go to bed early so I could wake up fresh and happy.  While I laid there trying to sleep I tried hard to feel the little guy move, at least an hour later I still hadn’t felt anything.  Blue was asleep by then, I gave up, rolled on my side and closed my eyes.  Out of the nowhere I felt him kick my arm (which was rested on the side of my belly.)  It was the perfect ending to such a bummer day!  I shook Blue awake and said “quick, feel this!!  I felt him from the outside!!”  He rolled over and in an annoyed voice said, “cool, but you really need to go to sleep now.”

He couldn’t have said anything worse to me.  I started uncontrollably sobbing, in fact tears are coming to my eyes now just thinking about it.  I’m still hurt and mad at him, I’m not sure he can fix it.  For the record I’m usually pretty easy on Blue.  He is your stereotypical emotionless male and I’m OK with that, he says the wrong things a lot, but he knew how much this meant to me and he was just plain mean.  Maybe the pregnancy hormones are making me overreact but I don’t care, he did the wrong thing.  He gave me lots of excuses after that while I cried but none of them will bring back the joy he crushed the first time I felt little man kick and to top it off he was mean to me this morning.  He’s in the dog house.

9 comments:

  1. aww ((hugs)) dear. I had a really emotion phase too and it was such a bummer. And as far as the weight gain goes I think you look beautiful! Go take a look at my 20week belly pic (on my blog) and you will see I looked exactly the same. In fact I had a 15lb gain in the first 5 weeks of my second trimester and my dr didn't bat an eye. I think you should keep on eating healthy, exercise a little, and not worry about the weight gain because it'll all even out in the end. I'm in my last month now and I've lost 5lbs so I'm at a healthy 30lb gain total (from pre-pregnancy).

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  2. You look gorgeous! I can't wait until I have a baby bump like yours...and I hope to totally rock a bikini on our babymoon in a few months :)

    I'm totally excited that you felt your little one kick you!!!

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  3. I think you look fabulous! I don't think ten pounds is that big of a deal. If you were seeing a midwife she likely wouldn't even be weighing you! I'm sure that Blue will make it up to you. :) can't wait to hear baby's name!!!!

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  4. I'm so sorry Blue pulled a bonehead guy move. You aren't overreacting. I would have been ticked off too. Guys are so different from women when it comes to pregnancy. The Prince would frequently roll his eyes at me when I announced little achievements (and big ones) during our pregnancy...GRRRR! Eventually, I realized I needed to just make my own happiness and decide that I wasn't going to let anything he said or didn't say ruin it for me. After awhile, that worked. But I get that it sucks we (women) have to take that route.

    I can't believe your doctor told you you are putting on too much weight. You look amazing in your photo. I don't think your self-perception is skewed at all. Don't let that doctor ruin your enjoyment of your pregnancy body. You worked so hard to get here. A lot of doctors don't even put "healthy weight gain" limitations on women anymore because every woman is different and, if the doctor doesn't see any ill effects to the baby, there is no reason to restrict a pregnant woman's weight gain. You look great and as long as you feel great, don't sweat the stupid "one size fits all" weight gain standards.

    Finally (sorry for this novel of a comment...it's just been so long), if it helps at all, I have faith that you will feel kicks more soon. One of my friends with an anterior placenta didn't feel kicks frequently until 26 weeks. As with everything else in pregnancy, everyone is different. I am so sure that you will soon be laying awake at night wondering if you are growing a professional soccer player.

    I can't wait to hear the name you've chosen.

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  5. i think you look stuning,, beautiful pregnant mamma.. xxx

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  6. First, you are BEAUTIFUL. You were gorgeous before, and you are stunning now!!

    You gaining more weight than what is technically supposed to be gained has no bearing whatsoever on how wonderful you look. I realize it's hard to separate one from the other. But, I'm being 100% honest here when I say you do NOT look fat at all. You look pregnant! You are glowing! Your doctor can suck on one!

    Now, moving on to emotionless men saying the wrong things... ugh. I feel you there. I would have been very hurt as well, and I think Blue belongs in the doghouse for now. I hope he finds a way to make it up to you this weekend!

    <3

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  7. I think you look amazing! That doctor of yours is on crack if she or anyone else thinks you're getting fat! Embrace your pregnancy, you have a gorgeous belly with a growing miracle in there!

    Oh boy, I don't even know where to begin on the husband issue... He has a lot of making up to do and it better be sparkly! ;)

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  8. I agree with everyone else, you really look great, honestly. You dont look too big. Maybe the weight is in those ginormous boobs!

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