“What will you do if it doesn’t work?”

“What will you do if it doesn’t work?”  I get this question frequently from well meaning family and friends.  I think people mostly ask because they’re interested in how far we’ll go before we decide to adopt.   (Why we’re not ready to move onto adoption is a post for another day though.)

I’m still confused about why people think that’s an appropriate question?  It’s incredibly personal and more importantly it is loaded with disapproving connotations.  No one ever asks you that when you’re still trying naturally, no matter how long you do.  They ask once you’ve taken the plunge and are attempting IVF.  The question implies that somehow your desire to get pregnant should just go away if sex isn’t involved or you have to use medical intervention. 

The hard part for me is the response, not because I don’t have many opinions on the subject but because I fight everyday to stop thinking about my “many opinions”!

I’m trying.  I’m trying so hard to stay positive about IVF.  I’m trying to mentally and physically put EVERYTHING into this cycle.  I’m trying not to create a weighted matrix spreadsheet that will line out our contingency options if this cycle fails.  I’m trying to not consider the possibility of it failing.

I used the word trying in every sentence in the last paragraph because truthfully those things aren’t what I’m actually doing; they’re what I’m trying to do.

Every time someone asks me that question it sends me in a tailspin down BFN-contingency alley.  I answer that I don’t know what I’ll do because I’m putting every thing I have into this cycle and it will crush me if it fails.

I watched the movie The Secret the other day.  It’s basically about the power of positive thinking and how by focusing on the negative we will it to happen.  In a lot of ways I agree with what they were saying, especially on the topic of infertility.  IF has always been my biggest fear, from the day I found out about my endo it has always loomed there over my head. 

I’ve always approached the challenges in my life with a rock solid confidence that I would win.  I owe most of my “wins” in life to my self confidence, maybe even ego, telling me I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) lose.  For some reason I didn’t approach IF this way…  Instead I tiptoed up to it expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

I got what I expected, the worst.  Here we are 2 years later with no baby preparing for the most invasive fertility treatment there is. 

Looking back it’s easy to say enough is enough with this Negative Nancy BS.  I’ve vowed to put all my hope and trust in IVF and supplementary natural treatments and to expect the best.  Even writing this is difficult though because I know I’m putting all my eggs (no pun intended) in one little fragile Petri-dish basket, and then the next person comes along to point out that my basket might break…