Monday, April 4, 2011

“What will you do if it doesn’t work?”

“What will you do if it doesn’t work?”  I get this question frequently from well meaning family and friends.  I think people mostly ask because they’re interested in how far we’ll go before we decide to adopt.   (Why we’re not ready to move onto adoption is a post for another day though.)

I’m still confused about why people think that’s an appropriate question?  It’s incredibly personal and more importantly it is loaded with disapproving connotations.  No one ever asks you that when you’re still trying naturally, no matter how long you do.  They ask once you’ve taken the plunge and are attempting IVF.  The question implies that somehow your desire to get pregnant should just go away if sex isn’t involved or you have to use medical intervention. 

The hard part for me is the response, not because I don’t have many opinions on the subject but because I fight everyday to stop thinking about my “many opinions”!

I’m trying.  I’m trying so hard to stay positive about IVF.  I’m trying to mentally and physically put EVERYTHING into this cycle.  I’m trying not to create a weighted matrix spreadsheet that will line out our contingency options if this cycle fails.  I’m trying to not consider the possibility of it failing.

I used the word trying in every sentence in the last paragraph because truthfully those things aren’t what I’m actually doing; they’re what I’m trying to do.

Every time someone asks me that question it sends me in a tailspin down BFN-contingency alley.  I answer that I don’t know what I’ll do because I’m putting every thing I have into this cycle and it will crush me if it fails.

I watched the movie The Secret the other day.  It’s basically about the power of positive thinking and how by focusing on the negative we will it to happen.  In a lot of ways I agree with what they were saying, especially on the topic of infertility.  IF has always been my biggest fear, from the day I found out about my endo it has always loomed there over my head. 

I’ve always approached the challenges in my life with a rock solid confidence that I would win.  I owe most of my “wins” in life to my self confidence, maybe even ego, telling me I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) lose.  For some reason I didn’t approach IF this way…  Instead I tiptoed up to it expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

I got what I expected, the worst.  Here we are 2 years later with no baby preparing for the most invasive fertility treatment there is. 

Looking back it’s easy to say enough is enough with this Negative Nancy BS.  I’ve vowed to put all my hope and trust in IVF and supplementary natural treatments and to expect the best.  Even writing this is difficult though because I know I’m putting all my eggs (no pun intended) in one little fragile Petri-dish basket, and then the next person comes along to point out that my basket might break…


  1. Well said. I've approached many things in my life the same way...hell or high water. With IF it's don't really have control.'s hard to want something for so long..there's a lot built into an IVF cycle..not just shots. I think most of the time when folks ask.."how far are you willing to go.." they mostly think of all the shots..they don't really know the worst part is the emotional roller coaster that you're going to go on or the roller coaster you've been on to get to this point. Really any couple going through this type of treatment quickly approaches martyr-dom in my go through this as a couple and to come out stronger...that's true love..a true partnership. Hardly a day goes by where I don't think about posting and screaming from the mountain tops how much I love my hubby for being there with me. The nay-sayers..screw guys are stronger for what you've been through.

  2. I had people ask me that, too! I would like everyone to be POSITIVE about it. I have people telling me or asking me about adoption all the time. We're just not ready for that yet. People don't understand at all. I am so very hopeful for you!! Oh, and I LOVE The Secret!!!

  3. I hate that question. I hate it even more when people then offer me their opinion about why I should consider moving on. No matter how well meaning, it's inconsiderate.

    You are doing a great job trying to remain positive. I am always in awe of you, New Year Mum, My New Normal and the other amazing women who keep their chins up no matter what. You inspire me...and I am absolutely in your corner.

    My only issue with the Secret (which I was really into the first year and a half of our journey) is that it only takes a slight shift in perception to start blaming yourself when things don't work out because you weren't
    positive enough" or didn't "believe enough." The whole "live as if" can only go so far. In theory, I agree that we can draw positive or negative energy to ourselves...but just be careful not to turn the corner into any of this being your fault. Just my opinion.

  4. Thanks ladies! Its so nice to not feel alone. Princess - I agree about the danger of blaming yourself for not being positive enough, or the flip side being too positive and then crushed by dissapointment. I'll try and hover in the happy and waiting patiently to get pregnant range!