I’m not sure how much longer I can ride the infertility roller coaster. Some days I feel like I’ll make it just fine and others, like today, I’m not sure I’ll make it at all. I feel like I’m spiraling down with no seat belt on and I’m not that worried about falling out because I can’t bear to go down any further. I can’t stop crying which makes me cry more. I feel like I need a mental health day but I can’t take another sick day from work when I need them all for IVF.
Looking back through my old posts I can see these crazy swings, happy and hopeful, sarcastic and bitter, sad and depressed, then start all over. Some days I can recognize the positive things IF has given me but some days the negatives just really start to pile up until I feel like they’re suffocating me.
I was so down yesterday and I felt like I had no one to talk to. The only person I really wanted to talk to was Blue but I had to wait for him to call me. I couldn’t bear talking to one of my “new mom” friends and I don’t really feel like I have that much in common with my “not even trying to be a mom” friends either. I just felt/feel so alone.
While I waited for Blue to call I watched the newest episode of Army Wives (bad idea). This episode focused on the aftermath of a soldier’s death and I just cried and cried for an hour straight. When he finally called we had a bad connection and so he couldn’t hear what I was saying (the sobs might have also added to this.) Blue is my best friend and I would rather talk to him than anyone else in the world, but he isn’t very good with compassionate words, or even tones. He’s a boy. He makes up for this lack of sensitivity with very good hugs but unfortunately I haven’t had one of those for 2.5 months.
I have been planning to call the benefits resource for deployed spouses since Blue left and sign up for counseling but I keep finding reasons not to. Today I couldn’t even make it through writing this post with out looking the number up. Maybe talking to someone I don’t know will help? I’m a little afraid to talk to anyone when I’m so down though. Maybe it’s not normal to cry this much? Maybe they’ll tell me I can’t be fixed?
I have my good and bad days (or weeks) too. I feel like I'm bipolar (or something) some of the time going back and forth. When my husband was deployed last year I used to paint pottery once a week. It made me relax and gave me something to look forward to. I think I'm going to start painting every week or two again.
ReplyDeleteDitto! :) Friend, you are not alone..i've been on this roller coaster for 5 years now. Ps..anytime you need to talk..you can call me. 1. i'm someone you don't really know 2. i'm someone who understand what you are going through..to some extent.
ReplyDeleteAlso..love Army Wives..just started watching them on netflix a couple weeks ago. LOVE IT..I'm up to season 4 now. (crochet and army wives..my life..) maybe i need therapy??? ;)
Awwwwww sweets I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I was a total and complete mess last year all because of IF. I saw a head doctor a handfull of times and it helped beyond words!! It was just nice to get "it" out and for someone say yeah you should be stressed/sad but let me teach you how to deal with it. She helped and her words come to me when I find myself in a dark place. I wish you peace sweet girl. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry hun! I have so many ups and downs as well. Sometimes it's so overwhelming. It's okay to have your down days. Hang in there. I have a good feeling that your long awaited miracle is coming!!
ReplyDeleteOh Lindsey! I am so sorry you are so far away. If you find a counselor who has any experience with infertility, they will get it...not matter how down you are. And it helps so much to talk to someone. I have asked my counselor at least a dozen times, "Are you sure I'm not bipolar?" I'll be sobbing through the whole appointment one week, and chattering non-stop about how hopeful I am the next. He assures me that I am not mentally ill...I'm just grieving so much, that the stages of grief (mainly denial, anger and depression) are washing over me in waves quickly and repeatedly. I know that I can't be there physically...but you are never alone in spirit...for what it is worth right now. Good things are on their way and the clouds of despair will roll out soon. Hang on (and fasten that seatbelt!)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know I have my good and bad days too and the bad days can be unbearable. Just try to stay as positive as possible. Do you have any support groups in your area, I know that has helped me.
ReplyDeleteTalking to someone you don't initially know and who is completely impartial, can make a huge difference... they're there to be "offloaded" onto and help ease the pain. There's certainly no harm in seeing someone to talk... and could make a huge difference to how you feel. If you've got this option available, sounds like it might be worth exploring... especially if you're going through all this while your DH is away. Love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI've been on that same roller coaster before... I think I'm still there now. I have days where I'm fine. Strong. Good. Happy. Healthy. And then I have days where I feel like I will never be over this. Over any of it. Ever.
ReplyDeleteIt took me forever to pick up that phone and set up my first counseling appointment. I was, and still am, so glad that I did though. Pick up the phone friend... you won't regret it.