I’m not sure how much longer I can ride the infertility roller coaster. Some days I feel like I’ll make it just fine and others, like today, I’m not sure I’ll make it at all. I feel like I’m spiraling down with no seat belt on and I’m not that worried about falling out because I can’t bear to go down any further. I can’t stop crying which makes me cry more. I feel like I need a mental health day but I can’t take another sick day from work when I need them all for IVF.
Looking back through my old posts I can see these crazy swings, happy and hopeful, sarcastic and bitter, sad and depressed, then start all over. Some days I can recognize the positive things IF has given me but some days the negatives just really start to pile up until I feel like they’re suffocating me.
I was so down yesterday and I felt like I had no one to talk to. The only person I really wanted to talk to was Blue but I had to wait for him to call me. I couldn’t bear talking to one of my “new mom” friends and I don’t really feel like I have that much in common with my “not even trying to be a mom” friends either. I just felt/feel so alone.
While I waited for Blue to call I watched the newest episode of Army Wives (bad idea). This episode focused on the aftermath of a soldier’s death and I just cried and cried for an hour straight. When he finally called we had a bad connection and so he couldn’t hear what I was saying (the sobs might have also added to this.) Blue is my best friend and I would rather talk to him than anyone else in the world, but he isn’t very good with compassionate words, or even tones. He’s a boy. He makes up for this lack of sensitivity with very good hugs but unfortunately I haven’t had one of those for 2.5 months.
I have been planning to call the benefits resource for deployed spouses since Blue left and sign up for counseling but I keep finding reasons not to. Today I couldn’t even make it through writing this post with out looking the number up. Maybe talking to someone I don’t know will help? I’m a little afraid to talk to anyone when I’m so down though. Maybe it’s not normal to cry this much? Maybe they’ll tell me I can’t be fixed?