Handing Over the Reins

I have a really positive outlook for this IVF cycle!  One of the biggest reasons is that I’m not in control, not even a little. 

Dr. BFP will tell me what meds to take and when.  

My body will decide how many eggs it will make.  

Dr. BFP will choose when to get the eggs and when to put them back in.  

My body will decide if it'll house one (two..) of those little embies for the next nine months. 

Nowhere in that scenario do I have any control, besides trying to “just relax.”  For the first time in a long time I completely trust someone else with my fertility.  Dr. BFP is great.  I know he knows what he’s doing and I am willing to put all my eggs (and faith) in his basket.

I’ve always felt calmed by having control of things but before Blue left I’d hit my breaking point with TTC and control.  I tried to control the few things I could, I hoped it would help calm me, all it did was make it worse. 

So for the first time; I don’t have to worry that my temperature is too high or too low.  I don’t have to focus on every belly cramp and wonder if that was ovulation.  I don’t have to pee on any sticks.  I don’t have to wake up wondering if I might have ovulated and urge Blue to do me quick so we can catch the potential egg (even though its only CD 9 and I’m not even close to Oing…) Most importantly Blue and I get to have sex because we want to and he won’t have to wonder if I want him or just his sperm.

My acupuncture appointment went great the other day.  I love my acupuncturist, we’ll call her Teeny because that’s what S.I.F. calls her, and she is really tiny.  Teeny knows her stuff, about both endo and fertility treatments.  We put together a great plan for treatment and I really trust her.

I also saw a counselor (we’ll call her Shrink) the same afternoon.  Ever since then I’ve felt really good, maybe not a new person, or even the old me, but much better.  I’m not sure if it was Teeny’s treatment or Shrink’s or both but I feel great.  While I was talking to her and giving her my back ground I found myself talking about people asking what I’ll do if it doesn’t work and my desire to stay positive.   I surprised myself because while I was telling her about it I came to a huge realization; the goal is what is important, not when it happens.

The goal is a baby.  Yes, I want a baby now, but I don’t need a baby now.  Blue and I are very lucky to have found this doctor who we can afford to see multiple times if necessary, so why keep telling myself I’ll be crushed if it doesn’t work the first time around?  I know I’ll be very sad but I will do like I’ve always done and get back up and try again.

I’ve set goals my whole life and I’ve always been successful, not because I’m perfect but because I’m stubborn as hell (just ask Blue).  And so I will “just relax” this cycle, let Dr. BFP do his magic and if his magic doesn’t work the first time around I’ll jump back on that horse and try again.