I realized this week that I’ve stopped dreaming about what it will be like to be a mother.
I used to fantasize about how great it would be, I would eat organic all through my pregnancy, cloth diaper, make all the baby food at home, learn to knit and make them booties, etc. These were the things that got me through the BFNs, happy dreams about what would happen when we finally got that BFP.
Somewhere along the way I stopped thinking about how much I would love to be a mother. I started picking out all the things I might not like. It was a subtle shift and I didn’t realize it until 2 days ago when I was walking through the airport (no relevance there, I just happened to be at the airport.)
I’m sure this shift in thinking was a subconscious way to protect my heart, but last night I realized that my mind had been awfully busy trying to trick my heart. My mind has almost convinced my heart that even having a baby wouldn’t pull me out of this depression I’m in.
How crazy is that?? I’m depressed because I don’t have a child but my mind is trying to tell me even a child can’t fix it… I really need to shift my attitude before this IVF cycle. I need to give it everything I've got and tell myself it WILL work! I can't keep being such a Debbie Downer. Maybe I should take up knitting now?
On a side note I’m also depressed because we just found out Blue is coming home from
Afghanistan late and we’ll miss our flight to Europe. The airline we’re taking only flies out Saturdays and Tuesdays so we’ll probably have to put it off by a whole week. If we’re lucky and they still have seats then I’ll have to re-book (if possible) two airline tickets, four hotels and a tour.
On another side note Lisa at The Pursuit of Pregnancy just got a BFP! Please send lots of love and prayers her way for a sticky bean.