So much for relaxation!

Here goes nothin' girls!  Everything is ready to go.  Meds are being shipped over-night tonight.  We start next week.  Here is the official timeline....

May 3rd - Start Lupron
May 5th - Pre-cycle suppression ultrasound
May 7th - Last BCP
May 12th - Start Follistim
May ? - Blue gets home
May 17th - Blood work and ultrasound
May 20th - Possible Trigger
May 21st - Possible Egg Retrieval (Start Progestrone)
May 26th - Possible 5 day transfer
May 31st - My Birthday, first POAS, leave for Europe!

Only real question now is what we'll do about Betas?  Maybe just not do them at all?  When we get back from Europe I'll be 6.5 weeks along and almost ready for the first ultrasound! (Notice how I'm speaking in the positive polly tense.)

Holy Crap

** UPDATE **
I talked to Blue and hes on-board for option 3!  I talked to the pharmacy and they can get the meds here in time!  Now I'm just waiting on a call back from Nurse Smiley to give me the official OK!!!  HOLY CRAP!

I need some quick advice so weigh in ladies!

I called Nurse Smiley today to make sure it was OK to start my injections the day we get back from Europe.  Apparently they somehow forgot when I was supposed to be cycling and Dr. BFP booked a trip to a conference out of state the week of egg retrieval and embryo transfer.

So now here are my options....

1. Probably the smartest... delay by 3 weeks.  Start meds July 12th, likely ER July 30th, potential due date April 21 2012.  Pros: Would make the Europe trip more relaxing.  Would allow me to get home and get my body in the most healthy condition possible.   Cons:  Waiting another month.  If it doesn't work I'll be more upset because I waited and put everything into it.

2. Probably too much... Push forward 2 weeks.  Start meds in Croatia (which means travel with them) on June 9th, likely ER June 27th, potential due date March 19th 2012.  Pros: Start sooner.  Cons: May end up missing my step sister in-law's (but also friend) wedding, most likely embryo transfer would be on the wedding day.  Also would have to take meds and focus on TTC in Europe.

3. Probably the one I want to do the most... start next week.  Start meds May 3rd, likely ER May 21st, potential due date February 11th 2012.  Pros: Sooner!!!  We'll know in Europe if it worked and it could be like a second honeymoon, if it didn't work it might hurt less because I can drink wine in Italy.  If it doesn't work we can try again with option 1.  Cons: Really really soon, maybe not even possible.  Might find out I'm not pregnant in Europe...

Ok, so I can't talk to Blue until he calls tonight (probably around midnight.)  So I need your help trying to decide before then.  Let me know what you think, which is the best option, which is the worst?

Handing Over the Reins

I have a really positive outlook for this IVF cycle!  One of the biggest reasons is that I’m not in control, not even a little. 

Dr. BFP will tell me what meds to take and when.  

My body will decide how many eggs it will make.  

Dr. BFP will choose when to get the eggs and when to put them back in.  

My body will decide if it'll house one (two..) of those little embies for the next nine months. 

Nowhere in that scenario do I have any control, besides trying to “just relax.”  For the first time in a long time I completely trust someone else with my fertility.  Dr. BFP is great.  I know he knows what he’s doing and I am willing to put all my eggs (and faith) in his basket.

I’ve always felt calmed by having control of things but before Blue left I’d hit my breaking point with TTC and control.  I tried to control the few things I could, I hoped it would help calm me, all it did was make it worse. 

So for the first time; I don’t have to worry that my temperature is too high or too low.  I don’t have to focus on every belly cramp and wonder if that was ovulation.  I don’t have to pee on any sticks.  I don’t have to wake up wondering if I might have ovulated and urge Blue to do me quick so we can catch the potential egg (even though its only CD 9 and I’m not even close to Oing…) Most importantly Blue and I get to have sex because we want to and he won’t have to wonder if I want him or just his sperm.

My acupuncture appointment went great the other day.  I love my acupuncturist, we’ll call her Teeny because that’s what S.I.F. calls her, and she is really tiny.  Teeny knows her stuff, about both endo and fertility treatments.  We put together a great plan for treatment and I really trust her.

I also saw a counselor (we’ll call her Shrink) the same afternoon.  Ever since then I’ve felt really good, maybe not a new person, or even the old me, but much better.  I’m not sure if it was Teeny’s treatment or Shrink’s or both but I feel great.  While I was talking to her and giving her my back ground I found myself talking about people asking what I’ll do if it doesn’t work and my desire to stay positive.   I surprised myself because while I was telling her about it I came to a huge realization; the goal is what is important, not when it happens.

The goal is a baby.  Yes, I want a baby now, but I don’t need a baby now.  Blue and I are very lucky to have found this doctor who we can afford to see multiple times if necessary, so why keep telling myself I’ll be crushed if it doesn’t work the first time around?  I know I’ll be very sad but I will do like I’ve always done and get back up and try again.

I’ve set goals my whole life and I’ve always been successful, not because I’m perfect but because I’m stubborn as hell (just ask Blue).  And so I will “just relax” this cycle, let Dr. BFP do his magic and if his magic doesn’t work the first time around I’ll jump back on that horse and try again.

Back to Back Cry-Fests

There is so much going on today I’m not sure how to process it all.  Blue called and we’ve had to reschedule our Europe trip for 2.5 weeks later than originally planned.  I’ve re-booked a plane ticket and attempted to re-book the tour and hotels that I’m most looking forward to.  If those work out I’ll move on to the rest.

Due to our new return date I will end up taking my first Lupron shot the night we get home…  For a type A person like me I know this will be a problem.  I will probably stress most of the trip about the following: Did my meds got there? Did my family/friends handle them correctly (most need to be refridgerated)?  What if we miss our flight and then I miss my first dose?  Will it be ok if I take 4 weeks of BC instead of 3?  If I have to take 3 then I will have AF during our trip…  And the thoughts jumble on.

Today I also have my first acupuncture appointment with my new acupuncturist who comes highly recommended from many people including SIF.  I’m excited for the appointment but any new appointment is stressful because I have to tell my story and as weepy as I’ve been lately who knows how much I’ll get out between sobs…

I booked an appointment for next week to see a shrink (reference the weepyness mentioned earlier.)  They called today to say they have a cancellation.  Naturally I took it, why not pile up all those tears in one day?  No need to prolong it.

Problem is that I need to leave in 20 minutes for my two back to back appointments and I do not feel mentally prepared.  I haven’t thought about what I will say to either of them.  I haven’t called Nurse Smiley about the new trip plans.  I haven’t re-booked 4 of the hotels I need to.  I’m overwhelmed.

Wish me luck for today, hopefully I can make it through both appointments with out having the proper amount of mental processing time that any type A control freak needs!

On a positive note during one of my hysterical crying binges the other night I called my sister who came over immediately (after a quick stop at blockbuster) with a copy of 10 Things I Hate About You.   This is one of our favorite high school movies ever, we also love Drive me Crazy and She’s all That.  Anyway, the point is that the movie worked and the waterworks stopped for 2 whole hours!  So today I ordered all those fabulous high school movies so that the next time I feel like my eyes might fall out if I cry one more tear I can just pop one in.

Debbie Downer

I realized this week that I’ve stopped dreaming about what it will be like to be a mother. 

I used to fantasize about how great it would be, I would eat organic all through my pregnancy, cloth diaper, make all the baby food at home, learn to knit and make them booties, etc.  These were the things that got me through the BFNs, happy dreams about what would happen when we finally got that BFP.

Somewhere along the way I stopped thinking about how much I would love to be a mother.  I started picking out all the things I might not like.  It was a subtle shift and I didn’t realize it until 2 days ago when I was walking through the airport (no relevance there, I just happened to be at the airport.)

I’m sure this shift in thinking was a subconscious way to protect my heart, but last night I realized that my mind had been awfully busy trying to trick my heart.  My mind has almost convinced my heart that even having a baby wouldn’t pull me out of this depression I’m in.

How crazy is that??  I’m depressed because I don’t have a child but my mind is trying to tell me even a child can’t fix it…  I really need to shift my attitude before this IVF cycle.  I need to give it everything I've got and tell myself it WILL work!  I can't keep being such a Debbie Downer.  Maybe I should take up knitting now?

On a side note I’m also depressed because we just found out Blue is coming home from Afghanistan late and we’ll miss our flight to Europe.  The airline we’re taking only flies out Saturdays and Tuesdays so we’ll probably have to put it off by a whole week.  If we’re lucky and they still have seats then I’ll have to re-book (if possible) two airline tickets, four hotels and a tour. 

On another side note Lisa at The Pursuit of Pregnancy just got a BFP!  Please send lots of love and prayers her way for a sticky bean.

THANK YOU!!!

Thank you so much to all my wonderful new friends in the IF and blogging community.  I was so down when I wrote my post last week but your encouraging words made all the difference in the world!  Some times I feel like you’re the only people I can really talk to.  It was incredible reading all your comments and realizing that you all had been there at some point, I identified with every comment you wrote.  I’ve gone back and re-read all your comments a hundred times and I imagine I’ll keep doing that when I need a boost.  We’ve all been down as far as we can go, but we’ll all come back up, that’s the beauty of a roller coaster I guess!

Since I wrote that post I’ve been doing so much better.  I booked my first counseling appointment for next week.  I also have my first acupuncture appointment next week and I’m really looking forward to the relaxation aspect of it.  I also had my first almost pain free (only one celebrex) period in almost 2 years!!!  Turns out my my old friend really is back!

I haven’t read any blogs for almost a week so I apologize and promise to catch up in the next few days!

Feeling Broken

I’m not sure how much longer I can ride the infertility roller coaster.  Some days I feel like I’ll make it just fine and others, like today, I’m not sure I’ll make it at all.  I feel like I’m spiraling down with no seat belt on and I’m not that worried about falling out because I can’t bear to go down any further.  I can’t stop crying which makes me cry more.  I feel like I need a mental health day but I can’t take another sick day from work when I need them all for IVF.

Looking back through my old posts I can see these crazy swings, happy and hopeful, sarcastic and bitter, sad and depressed, then start all over.  Some days I can recognize the positive things IF has given me but some days the negatives just really start to pile up until I feel like they’re suffocating me.

I was so down yesterday and I felt like I had no one to talk to.  The only person I really wanted to talk to was Blue but I had to wait for him to call me.  I couldn’t bear talking to one of my “new mom” friends and I don’t really feel like I have that much in common with my “not even trying to be a mom” friends either.  I just felt/feel so alone.

While I waited for Blue to call I watched the newest episode of Army Wives (bad idea).  This episode focused on the aftermath of a soldier’s death and I just cried and cried for an hour straight.  When he finally called we had a bad connection and so he couldn’t hear what I was saying (the sobs might have also added to this.)  Blue is my best friend and I would rather talk to him than anyone else in the world, but he isn’t very good with compassionate words, or even tones.  He’s a boy.  He makes up for this lack of sensitivity with very good hugs but unfortunately I haven’t had one of those for 2.5 months.

I have been planning to call the benefits resource for deployed spouses since Blue left and sign up for counseling but I keep finding reasons not to.  Today I couldn’t even make it through writing this post with out looking the number up.  Maybe talking to someone I don’t know will help?  I’m a little afraid to talk to anyone when I’m so down though.  Maybe it’s not normal to cry this much?  Maybe they’ll tell me I can’t be fixed?

Lindsey's Infertile A to Zs

Lindsey’s Infertile A to Zs

I stole this list from a non-IF blog and altered the questions to apply to life as an infertile, I wish I was answering the crossed out questions instead of the infertile version. 

A. Age Age when you started TTC: Lindsey - 24.  Blue – 27.   I wanted to start young because my parents had me really late in life and I really wanted them to be a part of our children’s life for as long as possible.  Looking back I realize this added even more unnecessary stress…

B. Bed Size Baby Dancing or Sex: I HATE the term baby dancing.  How old are we?  If we need to say baby dancing we’re not old enough to have babies!  I prefer sex or even baby makin’ pretty much any term wins out over dancing in my book..

C. Children Children wanted: I always thought I wanted 2 and when we married Blue said 3.  Now we’ve switched and I want 3, he wants 2.  At this point I’m willing to take as many as I can get.  Maybe I need to make a cardboard sign and stand on the road?  “Will work for babies!”

D. Dogs Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two of the very best pups ever, except when they’re being bad, playing in the mud and stealing baby diapers out of the trash like yesterday...  Maybe it won’t make me as mad when they’re my baby’s diapers?

E. Essential start to your day Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: At one point in time I was taking 29 pills per day (Chinese herbs, bee propolis, multivitamin, Vitamin D, Evening Primrose Oil, Fish oil, and baby aspirin.) I’ve also defused and rubbed essential oils, watched the secret, meditated, tried the emotional freedom technique, etc.   

F. Favorite color Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid (it is the devil and if you have endo don’t take it!) Getting ready for the full gamut with IVF – lupron, follistim, ovidrel and PIO.

G. Gold or silver Gain: What have I gained from infertility?  Weight, stress, and a sarcastic attitude.  But on a positive note I’ve also gained a bigger appreciation for my hubby, my future morning sickness and how intricate our bodies really are.

H. Height HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Twice!  Once I was asleep, once awake and Blue was there.  I don’t think he liked it much, his response after was that he didn’t like seeing my insides.  On a positive note my tubes are sluggish but open.

I. Instruments you play Infertile Pet Peeves: Pregnant crack whores.  Fertiles complaining about pregnancy symptoms I’d kill for.   People who use Face book as a baby’s first year scrapbook

J. Job title (I left this the same since we can’t say SAHM): Drillsite Petroleum Engineer

K. Kids Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Lincoln and Arianna

L. Live for _____ Length of time TTC: 2 years this month.  Not an anniversary worth celebrating. 

M. Most embarrassing moment Miscarriages: None.  My heart goes out to all of you who have had one (or more) as much as I say I’d take any second line on a pee stick I would rather keep getting BFNs than to lose a baby.  This is my biggest fear with IVF, to think it might have worked and then to be crushed.

N. Nicknames Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Three. I started with my GYN and went with her through the last round of Clomid, then I tried a doc on base, then made the leap to IVF and went with Dr. BFP.  I did a lot of research and called a lot of other docs along the way though.

O. Overnight hospital stays Ovarian quality: Crappy and covered in cysts.

P. Pet peeves POAS or wait for AF:.It varies from month to month.  I usually POAS by day 12, especially if I’m not spotting, but I never buy internet cheapy tests because I’ve seen so many give false hopes so I usually try and wait before I bust out the FRER or the Answer.

Q. Quote from a movie Quote from an obnoxious fertile: (after knowing we’ve moved on to IVF) “My friends cousin has endometriosis and she had trouble getting pregnant until she used acupuncture.  Maybe you should just do that?”  Thanks for the advice, been there done that.

S. Siblings Sperm: Blue has great swimmers.  High count, high motility and good morphology.  The IVF doc thinks he may have too many though (who knew that could happen, what an overachiever!) so he is going to fertilize half of our embies with ICSI.

T. Time you wake up Time you tried naturally: One year before the surgery.  Then 4 months more before starting Clomid.  4 rounds of Clomid before moving on to IVF.

U. University attended Uterus quality: About the only quality part I have.  My doc’s words after surgery last year was “your uterus is beautiful, IVF should work fine”.  I wish I had realized at the time that all the other junk wasn’t going to work fine!

V. Vegetables Vagina: Turns out this isn’t necessary to make a baby.  Reference this THIS totally rediculous story about a girl with no vagina getting pregnant after giving oral sex and then getting in a knife fight... Seriously? Seriously??   

W. What makes you run late What baby stuff do you already have?: Enough that if I brought home a baby today we’d be good to go..  I have a Chariot stroller (the king of all out door strollers) A glider rocker, girl and boy baby clothes of all sizes, a bassinette, maternity clothes, and last but not least an empty nursery with a killer view of the mountains.

X. X-rays you’ve had X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?  Both of our families and most of my good friends.  A lot of our friends knew we had started trying 2 years ago so it wouldn’t surprise me if the rumor mill has filled them in.  Honestly I’d rather everyone know than constantly ask me when we’re going to start trying.  I think I want to keep the timing of our IVF pretty quiet though.

Y. Yummy food you make Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Yep.  It’s a good excuse to see my favorite doc, also I can’t imagine finding out I had an abnormal pap once I was pregnant!

Z. Zoo animal favorites Zits: To top off the shit pie served to me by infertility I am covered in zits like a greasy teenager.  Thanks for being a real prick IF.

So now you’ve read mine.  What are your IF A to Zs.  Maybe we can start the blog equivalent of a chain letter. (With out the fear of a year of bad luck if we don’t pass it along.)

Train of thought Tuesday

I have the most random thoughts/internal dialogs in the work bathroom. Every time I leave there I end up shaking my head and wondering if I’m crazy. My final thought before shaking my head at myself this morning was “If I were a stripper I’d have a monkey to pick up the money!”

I don’t know why this only happens in the work bathroom, at home I have totally reasonable trips to the restroom, at work is another story all together…. Maybe I feel the need to shut down my brain since it works too hard all day? Today’s internal dialog happened in less than 1 minute and I didn’t wake up from the insanity until I was washing my hands.

I went to unhook my work pants (which have way too many buttons and hooks by the way) and felt a lump of money in my pocket. The following is where my thought train went from there…

Oh yeah, I brought cash today since I’m going out for lunch with my coworkers.

I would never have remembered the cash except I accidentally washed it and it was scattered all over the bed with my clean un-folded laundry.

I had to crawl around on my bed and dig all through my laundry to get the cash, those dollar bills were scattered everywhere!

I feel bad for strippers because they have to crawl around on stage for their tips like that.

I think stripping would be OK if it weren’t for the fact that you have to crawl around on the stage after you dance to get all the scattered money.

I think I would enjoy stripping more than I enjoy my current job.

I could be a stripper, I’d just have a monkey and then after I was done the monkey could pick up the money!

*For the record I'm not considering quitting engineering to become a stripper (I might consider getting a monkey though...), just thought I'd let you into how my Brian problem solves when I'm not reining it in!

“What will you do if it doesn’t work?”

“What will you do if it doesn’t work?”  I get this question frequently from well meaning family and friends.  I think people mostly ask because they’re interested in how far we’ll go before we decide to adopt.   (Why we’re not ready to move onto adoption is a post for another day though.)

I’m still confused about why people think that’s an appropriate question?  It’s incredibly personal and more importantly it is loaded with disapproving connotations.  No one ever asks you that when you’re still trying naturally, no matter how long you do.  They ask once you’ve taken the plunge and are attempting IVF.  The question implies that somehow your desire to get pregnant should just go away if sex isn’t involved or you have to use medical intervention. 

The hard part for me is the response, not because I don’t have many opinions on the subject but because I fight everyday to stop thinking about my “many opinions”!

I’m trying.  I’m trying so hard to stay positive about IVF.  I’m trying to mentally and physically put EVERYTHING into this cycle.  I’m trying not to create a weighted matrix spreadsheet that will line out our contingency options if this cycle fails.  I’m trying to not consider the possibility of it failing.

I used the word trying in every sentence in the last paragraph because truthfully those things aren’t what I’m actually doing; they’re what I’m trying to do.

Every time someone asks me that question it sends me in a tailspin down BFN-contingency alley.  I answer that I don’t know what I’ll do because I’m putting every thing I have into this cycle and it will crush me if it fails.

I watched the movie The Secret the other day.  It’s basically about the power of positive thinking and how by focusing on the negative we will it to happen.  In a lot of ways I agree with what they were saying, especially on the topic of infertility.  IF has always been my biggest fear, from the day I found out about my endo it has always loomed there over my head. 

I’ve always approached the challenges in my life with a rock solid confidence that I would win.  I owe most of my “wins” in life to my self confidence, maybe even ego, telling me I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) lose.  For some reason I didn’t approach IF this way…  Instead I tiptoed up to it expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

I got what I expected, the worst.  Here we are 2 years later with no baby preparing for the most invasive fertility treatment there is. 

Looking back it’s easy to say enough is enough with this Negative Nancy BS.  I’ve vowed to put all my hope and trust in IVF and supplementary natural treatments and to expect the best.  Even writing this is difficult though because I know I’m putting all my eggs (no pun intended) in one little fragile Petri-dish basket, and then the next person comes along to point out that my basket might break…