I have always been a very up front person (some may say blunt) but I like to think that I do it with tact, and in confronting problems head on I am able to solve them quicker and with less drama. Anyway, I haven’t been myself lately with my sister, I haven’t been honest.
The plan was always for us to get pregnant together, raise our kids together, etc. DH and I were able to start trying about 8 months before they did but never ended up with a BFP. They ended up with a BFP the first month trying. They were in the honeymooner stage we all were when we started trying, thinking about baby names and wondering if you should buy a stick to pee on… So she called me to ask what kind of POAS she should buy, because to her I was the expert, I’d peed on too many to count by that point. The insensitive things just continued from there, the empathetic reminders that I “just needed to relax”, the constant chatter about pregnancy stuff, the complaints about any and every pregnancy symptom, etc. The one I hated most was the pregnancy announcements, she felt the impulse to tell me anytime her coworker’s cousin’s friend got pregnant and then say “isn’t that great?” So back to the point, instead of replying “no, that is not great, I don’t give a shit if someone I’ve never met or will ever meet has the reproductive system of a rabbit,” I would nod and give a fake smile and say “cool”, with no enthusiasm. I assumed that that response was passive aggressive enough to get my point across without being mean and even though I was jealous I really didn’t want to bring her down in any way during her pregnancy.
I continued not confronting these issues and let my resentment grow over the last year. Her baby is now 2 months old, and perfect, I love him with my whole heart but I couldn’t seem to get past how hurt I was by the things she had said to me through her whole pregnancy. I was feeling really low about the holidays last week and I realized that a big part of why I was so down was loosing the relationship that she and I had once had, and the best way to fix it was to go back to the way it had always been and confront it head on.
She was always the pleaser with everyone else but with me she is blunt, I am her one outlet to really saying how she feels. When I confronted her and told her that she’d been really hurting my feelings over the last year she was blind sided, “why I hadn’t said anything, why I had redefined the clear cut friendship we’d always had?” I had to apologize because in my opinion if you’re never told that you’re doing something that makes someone unhappy how are you supposed to know? Granted, she could have been more sensitive but in her defense infertiles are almost impossible to talk to. I had to tell her the truth, there really isn’t a right thing to say to an infertile, you don’t understand what they’re going through, you can’t try and fix it, you just have to listen.
Anyway, going through all of this infertility business has made me realize some things.
1. I refuse to complain about anything when I’m pregnant, if I’m so morning sick I spend the whole day with my head in the toilet I will be happy (you all may need to remind me of this some day.)
2. I will appreciate every gurgle, every poopy diaper and every tear because they will all be miracles I’ve prayed for.
3. A sister is a very important thing, no one sees the real you like she does.
4. If God only blesses us with one biological miracle, we’ll adopt at least one more because siblings are a very important part of life.