Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions.  I'll be happy and then the next minute I'm bawling.  I think the biggest problem is just that I feel unnecessary, to my baby that doesn't need me because there is no baby, to my mom who doesn't need me to give her a grand baby because my sister just had one.  I also feel really alone because I don't know any other infertiles in real life, thank God for my online buddys over at twoweekwait.com, they're my saving grace when things get really bad.

I went to a family Christmas get together last night and spent the whole ride home crying, then another 30 minutes crying on DH's shoulder.  I've always wanted to live near my family but after last night I find myself considering moving to another state.  Sometimes the people who know that you're infertile are the ones that hurt you the most because if a clueless person says something hurtful you can brush it off as ignorance, but it your own family says something it makes you feel like they just don't care.  Sorry for the vent but I needed to get that out. 

I guess I should be happy because the witch hasn't shown yet, not even spotting, so maybe I still have time to get the worlds best Christmas present.  I'm planning to test on Friday, which is probably 10 DPO, but I refuse to buy anymore tests until AF is late.  I have three left, 2 First Response and a digital.  I figure one for Friday, Sunday and Monday.  I've seen an awful trend lately, as soon as I buy more HPTs I start spotting so I'm going to hold out this month.