I’ve been having a tough time around my family lately, especially since the cancelled IVF cycle. I’m really feeling my hope start to wane and it makes it even more difficult to be around babies and their overenthusiastic parents.
My sister and her husband are the epitome of overenthusiastic parents. I’m pretty sure they actually think my 8 month old nephew poops rainbows. In a different world, if I weren’t going through IF I might think something similar, unfortunately I live in the real world where IF exists.
My nephew is wonderful and so cute and all the things an 8 month old baby should be, but my sister and her husband make it really hard to be around him. All they want to do is talk about him, stare at him, push him in your face, etc. It is emotionally draining.
This weekend we went out to my parent’s cabin, a fabulous lake place where all the worries in the world should float away…. Instead it became another weekend all about the baby. I was so overwhelmed by Sunday that Blue and I escaped to a friend’s cabin on another lake for a few hours of baby free zone.
The family we went to visit is like Blue’s second family, and some of my favorite people in the world! They went through a long battle with infertility 30 years ago and eventually adopted their son who is one of Blue’s best friends. The mom has been a wonderful sounding board from the start of our IF journey. She’s been there, done that, and not forgotten how hard it was.
When we went by their house on Sunday it was so peaceful. I complained for a quick minute about how hard it had been at my parents but after that we just enjoyed one another’s company.
The next day my whole family decided to go by there to visit and ended up staying several hours. I had my fill of baby time not very long into the visit and so I strategically avoided my sister and her husband the rest of the day.
Eventually, when we had a minute alone, the Mom and I sat down and she looked at me with pity and said, “Wow, I didn’t realize it was this bad!” She went on to explain that she thought my sister was being completely insensitive and she could see how hard it was for me just to be around them. She said all the things I’ve been thinking, feeling and worrying that I was over-reacting about. Hearing her say them all back was the best feeling ever, I was vindicated! Finally someone understood, and it was even someone who had their happy ending and hadn’t struggled with IF in 30 years!
I guess this taught me several lessons, or at least re-affirmed them:
- You never stop being an infertile after you’ve been through the trenches, you’ll always be a wonderful resource for other’s going through IF because you’ve been there and done that.
- Some people will never get it and will always be difficult to be around until you have a baby in your arms.
- You don’t always have to say yes to every family function. It’s OK to take some time away for your sanity!
Does your sister know the full extent of your struggles? Man, that's gotta be rough. It's awesome that you were vindicated, and that you have such a great sounding board!
ReplyDeleteKara - Thats the worst part! She knows all of it, every detail and yet barely tries to be sensitive! I think part of it is that she and my mom are very hopeful about Dr. Sher, but they were about Dr. BFP too!
ReplyDeleteI had the same question of Kara and I can't believe that she actually knows what you're going through and still acts that way. I have never experienced anything so in your face. My family can say insensitive things but for the most part they try to be as supportive as possible (obviously my sister just did a donor cycle). I think you need to tell your sister how you feel. I know it will be hard but seriously they need to get a reality check. I say this and instead I would probably just avoid the entire family because it would be so painful. Sorry you are going through this and I hope they realize how difficult it is. My sister definetly has a new appreciation now that she has gone through the ups and downs of IVF as a donor. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI really could have written parts of this post! Seriously - it is so very similar to my most recent entry that you just commented on!! I don't get how your sister can know how much you've struggled and still be so insensitive?? But yet we're the ones who feel like guilty, insensitive bitches when we are not 100% happy for them. It is so messed up!!
ReplyDeleteBeing around these types of family situations is so hard. I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any words of advice to give on this subject, but just wanted to say that it sucks!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that this lovely woman in your life affirmed your feelings. I think, when I started blogging, one of the best parts was having other women tell me that I wasn't crazy and that they agreed with my points of view. I think the situations are especially hard when family is involved.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to defend your family's insensitivity, but I would just point out that it is likely unintentional and not just a "not caring" about your situation. I went through IF and every time I talk to my sisters still in the trenches, I am terrified of saying something insensitive (and I'm sure I do...in fact, I'm hoping this comment doesn't fall into that category). I remember how things felt pre-pregnancy and what I hated people saying to me. And yet, I find those same stupid things slipping out of my mouth when I am so moved by someone's plight that I am at a loss for words. I'm compelled to say something and then worry that it was the wrong thing to say.
You are such a kind and amazing person, you deserve better treatment. But just know that, while your family is undoubtedly being insensitive, it is probably due to cluelessness about what to say and do. Maybe they need help getting a clue. Hope everything works out for you.
I am so happy someone was there to help you feel heard and 'vindicated'. You are right, we don't have to say yes to every gathering....just the ones we want to :) Hang in there....xo
ReplyDeleteHI!!! How did your appointment go?? I can't wait to hear what Dr. Sher had to say to you guys!! How's Vegas?! I know...I'm totally hooked on Liars...lol! Can't wait for you to start making eggies again too!!
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