I cried myself to sleep last night. Not a few glistening tear drops either, I bawled, and sobbed so hard I shook the bed and woke up Blue.
Here is a little taste of my internal dialogue...
“God, why would you let me have it in my heart to be a mother and not make it possible? I’m sorry Jesus, I know you don’t work that way, I’m sorry I haven’t been going to church. I feel so alone. I wish I could talk to my family, I wish I could talk to my friends, I wish Blue understood.” Then repeat that again, over and over for an hour until I finally ran out of tears and energy.
I should be so excited and filled with hope. We’re leaving in a month for IVF with the doctor I trust the most in the world, we can afford it, my work is giving me the time off paid, everything is working perfectly.
Why do I feel so hopeless? Why aren’t I smiling ear to ear?
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to any of the comments on my last post, I promise my next post will be informative and not just Debbie Downer.
Honey I am sorry you are feeling so down. I hate to say I know how you feel but I really do :( I wish you the very best in Vegas. Hugs to you babe. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteWow, I can relate to this so much. Infertility is so isolating and nobody who isn't going through it can ever understand. I have spent many nights crying so hard I was gasping for air. I am so sorry you are going through this but I think you are just getting emotionally ready for the next part of your journey. It is unfair that we have to go to such great lengths and we have a right to be sad and angry. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel the disappoinment. It is amazing but you will find the strength and you will face this next chapter head on. Good luck and I am thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI think we have all felt this way and more than once. It is a helpless and hopeless feeling to be so out of control and have there be nothing you can do about it. I hope you are feeling better soon and can start be excited for Vegas! I have good feelings about this!! :) Thinking of you and sending you big hugs. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have had that SAME converstaion....I continue to be told that God wouldn't put that desire in our hearts if it weren't going to happen; I guess we have to believe that.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to talk, vent, or scream....I'm here xo
I cried and was so scared before my IVF too. It's not something you ever wanted to have to do, yet you know you have to. We (IFers) put a lot of hope into IVF and there is such a fear of the unknown. Cry as much as you need. Get the emotions out. You are entitled to them.
ReplyDelete*Hugs* Liz
Oh Linds. I'm sorry. And I'm here.
ReplyDelete