I cried myself to sleep last night. Not a few glistening tear drops either, I bawled, and sobbed so hard I shook the bed and woke up Blue.
Here is a little taste of my internal dialogue...
“God, why would you let me have it in my heart to be a mother and not make it possible? I’m sorry Jesus, I know you don’t work that way, I’m sorry I haven’t been going to church. I feel so alone. I wish I could talk to my family, I wish I could talk to my friends, I wish Blue understood.” Then repeat that again, over and over for an hour until I finally ran out of tears and energy.
I should be so excited and filled with hope. We’re leaving in a month for IVF with the doctor I trust the most in the world, we can afford it, my work is giving me the time off paid, everything is working perfectly.
Why do I feel so hopeless? Why aren’t I smiling ear to ear?
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to any of the comments on my last post, I promise my next post will be informative and not just Debbie Downer.