Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Whats wrong with me?

I cried myself to sleep last night.  Not a few glistening tear drops either, I bawled, and sobbed so hard I shook the bed and woke up Blue.
Here is a little taste of my internal dialogue...
“God, why would you let me have it in my heart to be a mother and not make it possible?  I’m sorry Jesus, I know you don’t work that way, I’m sorry I haven’t been going to church.  I feel so alone.  I wish I could talk to my family, I wish I could talk to my friends, I wish Blue understood.”  Then repeat that again, over and over for an hour until I finally ran out of tears and energy.
I should be so excited and filled with hope.  We’re leaving in a month for IVF with the doctor I trust the most in the world, we can afford it, my work is giving me the time off paid, everything is working perfectly.
Why do I feel so hopeless?  Why aren’t I smiling ear to ear?
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to any of the comments on my last post, I promise my next post will be informative and not just Debbie Downer. 


  1. Honey I am sorry you are feeling so down. I hate to say I know how you feel but I really do :( I wish you the very best in Vegas. Hugs to you babe. xoxoxo

  2. Wow, I can relate to this so much. Infertility is so isolating and nobody who isn't going through it can ever understand. I have spent many nights crying so hard I was gasping for air. I am so sorry you are going through this but I think you are just getting emotionally ready for the next part of your journey. It is unfair that we have to go to such great lengths and we have a right to be sad and angry. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel the disappoinment. It is amazing but you will find the strength and you will face this next chapter head on. Good luck and I am thinking of you!

  3. I think we have all felt this way and more than once. It is a helpless and hopeless feeling to be so out of control and have there be nothing you can do about it. I hope you are feeling better soon and can start be excited for Vegas! I have good feelings about this!! :) Thinking of you and sending you big hugs. xoxo

  4. I have had that SAME converstaion....I continue to be told that God wouldn't put that desire in our hearts if it weren't going to happen; I guess we have to believe that.
    If you need to talk, vent, or scream....I'm here xo

  5. I cried and was so scared before my IVF too. It's not something you ever wanted to have to do, yet you know you have to. We (IFers) put a lot of hope into IVF and there is such a fear of the unknown. Cry as much as you need. Get the emotions out. You are entitled to them.
    *Hugs* Liz

  6. Oh Linds. I'm sorry. And I'm here.