I love babies, I’ve always loved babies. I’ve ohhed and cooed at babies since I was a child. Babies make me happy. Even random stranger’s babies at the grocery store put a big smile on my face.
The problem is that now I’m a walking contradiction. I hold my sweet nephew and smile, then want to cry simultaneously.
I want to hold every baby I see, snuggle them and tell them how cute they are. I also want to cry. Every time I see a baby I want to cry. It makes me happy and then takes me crashing to the ultimate low where I have to examine my own barrenness.
Every little drooly precious face is a reminder that I don’t have one of my own and may never have one of my own. Newborns are especially hard, because no matter what I’ll be a mom, but if that means adoption I may never have a newborn. I think all these depressing things while I’m smiling at the baby.
I used to love to talk to pregnant ladies and new moms, ask them how things were and keep mental notes for later. Now I see a pregnant woman and do a 180, run as fast as I can in the other direction.
I turn on white noise in my head when all of my new mom friends start talking breast feeding and sleep schedules so that I don’t have to pretend I’m interested. Why am I no longer interested? I used to soak all the baby stuff up like a sponge, even when I was 18 and no where near having kids. Now I’m 2 years into desperately wanting to be a mom and I don’t want to hear any of it.
I don’t want to learn from my friends experiences. I want to experience this stuff with them. I don’t think my disinterest is a result of jealousy but more an issue of denial. I feel left behind but if I can manage to ignore that they’ve moved on maybe I won’t feel so behind?
Oh sweets I feel your pain. I have a hard time with older kids. I get upset when I see kids playing football (or something like that) as all the parents are seating on their portable chairs cheering on the kids. I would LOVE to wake up at 6:00 AM on a Saturday to watching my kids run up and down a field for an hour while I am cheering them on like a crazy lady on the sidelines. One day :) Hope you are doing well. xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDelete((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteI so understand everything you wrote. These days after 6 years of trying, the ache has most definitely lessened in terms of seeing babies and especially newborns. Perhaps my old age is a factor? I am getting used to knowing that what will be for others is not the same for myself. I don't know.
Thinking of you.
~BFK
I 100% completely know what you mean. It sucks! For me personally, I love babies and am so happy to be around babies, but I hate pregnant people. lol! Hugs to you!
ReplyDelete~ A
Your love for your future baby will get you there... whatever path that is and when they're learning to walk, talk and do all the cute little kid things, you'll cherish all those moments. Even if you didn't hold them as a newborn, you'll be their mum and your love for them will be the most beautiful thing xoxo
ReplyDeleteI went through this too. In truth, I think I'm STILL going through this. I have always been such a kid person, but now... it's definitely harder. I just find myself hoping that this too will pass. I can't imagine going the rest of my life crying every single time I hold a baby!
ReplyDelete