In the spirit of posting what ever I feel like, I think I’m going to do a series on symptoms of pregnancy and how they might differ for an infertile…
Here is my first: Pregnant ladies are overly emotional.
I have been tearing up a lot lately. I know this is supposed to be a normal pregnancy symptom, crying at commercials and such. Until Sunday I had only had the eyes welling up, glistening type tears, usually at the end of an episode of a reality TV show where a baby is born.
Now to the weird part, I have yet to cry about our baby. Almost every family member and friend who knew about our IF cried when they found out we were finally pregnant. Not me. Not Blue (though I’ve only seen him cry 2 times ever so it’s not like I was expecting tears from my rock of a hubby.)
I cried when I found out about the blood clotting disorder, which is funny since now it’s the very least of our problems and more dangerous to treat it than to leave it be… But I haven’t actually cried over the fact that I’m gestating a human. I think about it a lot, why I’m not emotional about our baby… I think it’s because it’s too dangerous to let down that wall, because once I do it can’t be re-built. It’s easier to focus on the facts, the diagnoses, and more than anything, it’s easier to just continue on with my self deprecating sense of humor and pretend that none of this is fazing me.
On Sunday I had my first all out pregnancy induced sob fest. Blue and I went to church with our closest friends to watch their son’s baptism. It was a beautiful service and so sweet to watch him glare at the pastor after he put water all over his head! At the end of the service we were supposed to stick around and take pictures, so as the recessional hymn started up we were all going to go forward instead of back.
That was a great plan until the hymn turned out to be ‘I’ll fly Away’.
The last time I heard that song was at my Nanny’s (grandmother’s) funeral, and the time before was the last time I heard my Nanny speak. I was sitting with her at the hospital in her last few days of life and her pastor came by to pray with her. At the time she couldn’t say much but she asked him to sing her. So the three of us sat there in the hospital and sang ‘I’ll fly away’ and ‘The Old Rugged Cross’.
I hadn’t thought about that day at all in the last two years, in fact if I’d heard ‘I’ll fly away’ six months ago it would have made me smile, instead I was over emotional and brought right back into that hospital room. Had it just been Blue and I might have been able to drop a few silent happy tears, but instead I had to run so I could hide it from my best friend’s entire family, then make excuses for why I missed pictures. EMBARASSING!
Maybe someday soon I’ll cry about our little one, I’ll be sure to let you guys know the day it happens. A question for all you pregnant after IF girls, am I crazy? Do you weep over the idea of your baby constantly?