Clomid vs. Endo Round 4

Just in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm NOT PREGNANT.  I used to see those words all the time on digital home pregnancy tests.  Now I refuse to see them, I refuse to use a digital before I KNOW I have a BFP.  Which up to this point hasn't happened for me.  So another cycle begins, Clomid round 4.

DH deserves a better name so I'll call him what I call him at home, Blue.  Blue and I got in a big fight on Sunday night about how TTC is tearing us apart.  It was painful but it was really good to talk out the issues.  We even considered scratching this last attempt at TTC before he deploys so that we can just focus on each other.  After a long discussion DH asked me, will you have regrets?  Will you end up wishing you took the Clomid if you don't take it?  The answer was probably, I'll want to know we gave it our all before he move on to IVF.  We decided that I'll take the Clomid this month but try hard not to obsess.  We also promised we'd have sex because we wanted to, not because we're trying to make a baby.  I think part of the reason we're fighting is because hes leaving and it makes being apart easier.

Blue and I have spent a lot of time apart, a majority of the time we've known each other actually.  We met the summer between our junior and senior years of college and fell instantly in love.  After the summer we went off to our respective schools but stayed together.  We saw each other during school breaks and then when we graduated he went to work on the slope.  The slope is the area in Alaska where all the oil is, it takes 2 hours to fly there and people usually work for 12 hours a day for 2 weeks straight and then come home and are off for 2 weeks.   Blue was working 2 on 2 off, I was working in Anchorage at a normal 8-5 job, we only saw each other half of the time in the evenings.  Then I went to work on the slope and he went off on his military training program where he was gone ALL the time.  He was only in Anchorage 1.5 months of 2010.  I would fly to visit him but it wasn't enough time.  Finally in June of this year we both came back to Anchorage for good, on normal schedules! 

We're still learning how to be a normal couple, during the time that we spent apart we developed some bad habits, like fighting right before he left.  It seemed like it always happened and I finally realized why, it makes it easier to be apart if you pretend it isn't great to be together. 

I really don't want to slip back into our old patterns now, especially because he isn't just going off to work for 2 weeks, he's going to war for 4 months, and I need to accept that.  Until this week I wouldn't even let people bring the A work up, now its time for me to be a big girl and face it.  Blue is going to Afghanistan on February 1st, 13 days from now.