Three little hearts

Every piece of jewelry Blue has ever bought me has hearts on it.  You’re probably thinking either, eww gaudy or ohh cute!  Its a little bit of both.  Honestly he doesn’t have the best taste in jewelry but I love it all the same. 

The first thing he ever bought me was a set, an anklet and toe ring (which he thought was a necklace and ring), yellow gold with dangly hearts.  I will remind you now that I live in Alaska and have the occasion to wear a toe ring roughly 1 week per year while on vacation to somewhere warm.  Anyway, it was the thought that counted.  And they sit proudly in my jewelry box.

By the time we got engaged he had given me quite a few pieces of jewelry, all with hearts.  I was really nervous that I would end up with a ring on my finger for the rest of my life that was some gaudy heart shape, and yet I was a little torn and nostalgic thinking about having a ring with no hearts…  A conundrum. 

Blue and I went to Mexico on vacation and the first night we had a nice dinner and a few mango margaritas, then caught the last half of Field of Dreams and went to sleep.  I woke up in the middle of the night because my hand hurt, I reached down in the dark and felt something on my ring finger. 

I can’t tell you how many thoughts went through my mind in a matter of seconds!  Did I drink too much and forget my own engagement???  Luckily I had Field of Dreams to set my time line.  Nope, I drank those Mango Margaritas BEFORE the movie!

I went to the bathroom to look and realized Blue had slipped an engagement ring on my finger while I was sleeping, and it was beautiful!  Three sparkly princess cut diamonds and when you tip it to the side there are three little hearts in the metal band.  It could not be more perfect, I got a classy ring with hearts!

You might have noticed in the last post that I just got a tattoo, my first ever.  Tattoos never really interested me because I couldn’t think of anything that I wanted on my body in my 20’s that I’d still want in my 80’s.  So I never gave them much more thought, just figured I’d live ink free.

For the last year Blue has been talking about getting his wedding ring done since he can’t wear it at work.  It got me thinking.  The one thing that I would actually want on my body for ever is my wedding ring, but I love my actual wedding ring and wouldn’t want to change the way it looks. 

If I ever got a tattoo I knew it would be three little hearts, just like on my ring and luckily I found an artist who could make the tattoo small enough that it doesn’t show when I’m wearing my actual ring!  Best of both worlds!

Anyway isn’t Blue the sweetest?

Pregnant Girls Stalk Me

Does it ever feel like you're surrounded by a sea full of pregnant women??  I AM.  Everyone around me is pregnant.  Even my tattoo artist is pregnant.  I try and be happy for them, especially the ones who I love and know will be awesome parents but there are some that I just can't be happy about...  The truth is, the only ones I'm truly happy for and get excited about anymore are my infertile friends.  I know that they will love that baby and that pregnancy with everything they have, they will appreciate every bit of morning sickness and every labor pain.  I know this because I feel the same way.  So on this note I will tell you about my Saturday from hell.

Blue and I went in Saturday to a local tattoo shop, we had scheduled our appointment 2 weeks before, met with the artist, etc.  She seemed nice, very tattooed but good at her job.  She said it would be an all day appointment since Blue was getting 3 tattoos and I was getting 1, if I had known she was pregnant I would not have signed on for a whole day with her.  (Disclaimer: We're not big tattoo people, this was my first ever and Blue only had one before now, he got two tattoos, which important to his job in the military, and we both got wedding rings, mine is really cute and tiny and hides under my regular ring.) 


(Here's a quick pic, I'll explain why the three little hearts
in a later post, but its the only thing I can imagine having
on my body for ever!)

Anyway, we knew we were in for a whole day with this chick and you have to like someone to be willing to spend a whole day with them.  So we met her 2 weeks before this, she seemed nice, used the F word about 2 times per sentence but otherwise personable. 

Blue is laying down on the table getting his first tattoo done, we've been there about 15 minutes and she asks if we have any kids.  We answer no and she replies "good choice, we wouldn't either if it weren't for an accidental pregnancy."  She then proceeded to tell us how shes pregnant now and they find out the sex on Tuesday.  The next six hours were a mix of complaints like "I have to pee again, damn baby!" and "I can smell my neighbors cigarette smoke now, I never noticed before because I smoked too." and my personal favorite, which she said AT LEAST 10 times, "NEVER get pregnant, seriously don't, it sucks."

So it made me wonder how best to deal with pain in the ass pregnant women who tell you not to get pregnant?  I'm debating on my favorite answer but here are the front runners:

1. We've been trying to get pregnant for two years, I'd be happy to pee an extra 10 times per day. (the polite but passive aggressive answer.)

2.  Feel free to give the baby you're carrying to someone who actually wants a child, shit, even sell it!  There are thousands of us out there who would do anything to go through what you're going through now.  (the slightly bitchier but still bordering on polite answer.)

3. Its amazing, cigarettes and booze must increase fertility?...  Maybe I'll take them up if this IVF cycle fails? (the bitchy put her in her place answer.)

Feel free to vote on your favorite or offer up some of your own?  Maybe if we infertiles start standing up to these bitches we won't have to listen to it anymore??

I lost a week...

I just realized when I counted the number of days until Blue deploys that I added a whole extra week.  How did I loose a whole week of my life?  Especially such an important week??  I've edited the last post to reflect the true number of days until he leaves, 13.

Clomid vs. Endo Round 4

Just in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm NOT PREGNANT.  I used to see those words all the time on digital home pregnancy tests.  Now I refuse to see them, I refuse to use a digital before I KNOW I have a BFP.  Which up to this point hasn't happened for me.  So another cycle begins, Clomid round 4.

DH deserves a better name so I'll call him what I call him at home, Blue.  Blue and I got in a big fight on Sunday night about how TTC is tearing us apart.  It was painful but it was really good to talk out the issues.  We even considered scratching this last attempt at TTC before he deploys so that we can just focus on each other.  After a long discussion DH asked me, will you have regrets?  Will you end up wishing you took the Clomid if you don't take it?  The answer was probably, I'll want to know we gave it our all before he move on to IVF.  We decided that I'll take the Clomid this month but try hard not to obsess.  We also promised we'd have sex because we wanted to, not because we're trying to make a baby.  I think part of the reason we're fighting is because hes leaving and it makes being apart easier.

Blue and I have spent a lot of time apart, a majority of the time we've known each other actually.  We met the summer between our junior and senior years of college and fell instantly in love.  After the summer we went off to our respective schools but stayed together.  We saw each other during school breaks and then when we graduated he went to work on the slope.  The slope is the area in Alaska where all the oil is, it takes 2 hours to fly there and people usually work for 12 hours a day for 2 weeks straight and then come home and are off for 2 weeks.   Blue was working 2 on 2 off, I was working in Anchorage at a normal 8-5 job, we only saw each other half of the time in the evenings.  Then I went to work on the slope and he went off on his military training program where he was gone ALL the time.  He was only in Anchorage 1.5 months of 2010.  I would fly to visit him but it wasn't enough time.  Finally in June of this year we both came back to Anchorage for good, on normal schedules! 

We're still learning how to be a normal couple, during the time that we spent apart we developed some bad habits, like fighting right before he left.  It seemed like it always happened and I finally realized why, it makes it easier to be apart if you pretend it isn't great to be together. 

I really don't want to slip back into our old patterns now, especially because he isn't just going off to work for 2 weeks, he's going to war for 4 months, and I need to accept that.  Until this week I wouldn't even let people bring the A work up, now its time for me to be a big girl and face it.  Blue is going to Afghanistan on February 1st, 13 days from now.

Moving on

Here’s my daily update:

I told myself I wasn’t testing until Wednesday morning (11 DPO) but then I felt a little queasy yesterday and gave into testing this morning (10 DPO) it was a BFN.  What did I expect?  Also I bought Answer brand for the first time because people haven’t been too happy with First Response Early Result brand lately.  Problem is, FRER says you can test a day before Answer does…  So for now I’ll just tell myself I took the wrong test!

We got everything perfect this month.  I have been strict on my gluten free dairy free diet, I haven’t drank more than a glass of wine or two since O, I took Clomid CD 3-7, I used OPKs and got the timing perfect, I even layed in bed afterward so the swimmers couldn't fall out!  If it doesn’t work this month when will it?

Here’s my big picture update:

DH and I got great news this week, he may not deploy until February 1^st which would give us one more week to spend together!  It also means he will be here for one more fertile time period, which surprisingly I’m not all that excited about. I’m ready to move on, this isn’t working.  Clomid is horrible for people with endometriosis and it could be doing more damage than good, I don’t want to take it again but I will.  One last time. 

We’ve talked about it a lot in the last few months and have decided we will forgo IUI entirely (since it does little to no good for endo girls) and move on to IVF.  I’ll do all the research and doctor appointments possible while he’s gone so that we’re ready to go as soon as he gets back.  I feel really good about this decision!  I feel like I have hope for us.  I’ve been googling IVF and endometriosis and the results seem good.   I also have been hearing a lot about a doctor in AK who does IVF on the side.  More to come on this later!

I guess the boiled down version of how I feel right now is Clomid isn’t going to cut it.  I’m ready to move on to IVF now and time is just against me for the next few months.  So hurry up June!!!

I don't feel pregnant...

For the first year I obsessed over every symptom. I googled them to see if pregnant women had them early. It's even what lead me to my favorite online forum. But eventually I realized I had symptoms every month... So I tried to stop paying attention. I tried to just tell myself that they didn't matter. But they always matter, even if you have none (like this month) you can still find something on the Internet that says no symptom is a great sign!

The truth is that the two week wait is hell. You don't want to get excited and set your self up for disappointment but you don't want to count yourself out too early and get depressed either.

So now for me the TWW is a total emotional shit show where I go from hopeful to depressed and back multiple times. Right now I'm in the depressed stage, I don't think this month worked which sucks because we did everything perfect...

It's easy for a fertile to tell you to just relax because they've been through one maybe two TWWs. I've been through 20 now, and after round 4 they all started royally sucking.

For those of you who still have hope for me I'll be testing on Wednesday the 12th. Wish me luck, I need it.

Superstitious

Anchorage just got a Walgreens so DH and I tried it out for the first time last night.  I’m pretty happy because they give a 15% military discount!

When we got there I went straight for the pee sticks.  I picked out 2 boxes, 5 sticks total and waited for DH to finish up.  When he realized what I was buying he acted confused and asked if it was time for me to POAS?  So I had to come clean to him with my crazy superstition…

Every month when AF is almost due I start peeing on sticks, I usually wait until at least 12 DPO.  Some months I can’t wait though, so I start at 10 DPO and then I run out of pee sticks and have to buy more.  Every time that I’ve had to go out for more I start spotting the next morning when I go to POAS.  Last month I had enough to make it through and I didn’t even spot one day (hasn’t happened in over a year and a half!)  So that just solidified my crazy POAS superstition.

This month I decided if I bought enough of them before I could possibly spot then maybe I’d beat the bad mojo, hence buying 5 pee sticks when I was only 1 DPO.

Family

DH and I have been very open with our families about everything we’ve gone through with our infertility.  I’m really glad that we have been because it’s so nice to be able to talk about it out loud.  The topic of the week has been IVF.  They’re all curious and want to know all about it, how does it work, what drugs do you take, would you have to go out of state?  It’s been nice sorting through it all out loud with supportive people.

I was originally worried that my sister in law would be insensitive and would spread the news more than I would like but I was totally wrong.  Actually she has been one of the most supportive people in our family.  I think part of the reason is because she isn’t scared to ask any question she thinks, so I feel totally comfortable saying what I think back.

About 6 or 8 months ago she mentioned in passing that if we ever needed it she would be our surrogate, then she laughed and said she loves being pregnant but there’s no way she wants another baby.  I laughed it off too and said thanks.

A few days ago my sister in law asked us where we’re at and what we’ve considered.  At the end of the conversation she told us that she’d thought about it and if we get to the point of adoption/surrogacy that she really would be willing to carry a baby for us, that it would mean the world to her to make us parents. 

I almost cried right there.  This person who has no blood ties to me is willing to spend 9 months of her life carrying my child, not for compensation but because she loves me and DH enough to want to help us become parents.  Even if we never need a surrogate I’ll never forget that she made the offer and what it meant to me.

I’m a very lucky girl.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in a pity party when dealing with infertility, but if you can see past the sadness you’ll see that there is so much to be thankful for.  So my new year’s resolution is to try and see past the infertility and start recognizing and appreciating the good things I have in my life, like my family.

Is God trying to tell me something?

I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell me something.  I have horrifically painful ovulation, it hurts to walk let alone do 'it'.  If I was born any time before the 1960s I wouldn't have even known when I should do it and certainly wouldn't have wanted to do it when I felt so awful.

So is having painful ovulation an evolutionary suggestion that maybe you shouldn't do it when you're able to make a baby? 

What about passing off these endometriosis genes?  Am I just overriding the natural selection against my genes?  If my hypothetical daughter has endo will I feel guilty forever knowing that I passed it on to her?  My mom had endo and I certainly wouldn't ask her to go back and choose not to have me, but my pain is much worse than hers, what if my daughter's is worse than mine?

So I get down in the dumps until I think of the other "what ifs."  What if they find a cure for endo?  What if my daughter never even has to think about it?  And then I let myself look forward to bringing a baby girl into this world.

I ovulated yesterday, CD15.  The TWW begins!