I think my words might have come out wrong yesterday…
I said what I was trying to say but maybe my motivation for saying it wasn’t clear…
For the record, S.I.F. has been one of the most supportive people in my life since the day I met her. She’s an incredible friend and will be an important part of Marek’s life.
I want to make it clear that in no way was I implying that she thought I didn’t deserve to be pregnant. Her blog post was about her feelings regarding IVF in HER future, not mine, not anyone else’s.
I was mad and hurt when I first read her post but after a lot of thought and consideration realized those emotions weren’t fair. It wasn’t her intention to judge me, I was putting that judgement on myself. She said “IVF is going too far for me” I heard “IVF was going too far for you.” I had long since moved past being mad at her when I wrote that post yesterday. I wrote it about what her post helped me realize, not to defend myself to her.
I’ve struggled this pregnancy with feeling like my body was failing me, I’ve struggled with wondering if I really did go too far. That’s why her post hit me so hard, because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it all yet.
Reading her post helped me realize all the things I said yesterday. I didn’t say them to defend my choices to S.I.F. she’s never questioned my choices. I said them because I realized that for 3 years I’ve carried a huge self-imposed burden of self loathing that I shouldn’t have to carry and that I wouldn’t carry if I was fertile.