I think my words might have come out wrong yesterday…
I said what I was trying to say but maybe my motivation for saying it wasn’t clear…
For the record, S.I.F. has been one of the most supportive people in my life since the day I met her. She’s an incredible friend and will be an important part of Marek’s life.
I want to make it clear that in no way was I implying that she thought I didn’t deserve to be pregnant. Her blog post was about her feelings regarding IVF in HER future, not mine, not anyone else’s.
I was mad and hurt when I first read her post but after a lot of thought and consideration realized those emotions weren’t fair. It wasn’t her intention to judge me, I was putting that judgement on myself. She said “IVF is going too far for me” I heard “IVF was going too far for you.” I had long since moved past being mad at her when I wrote that post yesterday. I wrote it about what her post helped me realize, not to defend myself to her.
I’ve struggled this pregnancy with feeling like my body was failing me, I’ve struggled with wondering if I really did go too far. That’s why her post hit me so hard, because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it all yet.
Reading her post helped me realize all the things I said yesterday. I didn’t say them to defend my choices to S.I.F. she’s never questioned my choices. I said them because I realized that for 3 years I’ve carried a huge self-imposed burden of self loathing that I shouldn’t have to carry and that I wouldn’t carry if I was fertile.
Linds, I do think some of your feelings were founded. She did, afterall, specifically site you when discussing her feelings about IVF and whether it is all too far. I do think that was a bit unfair, especially given that most people that follow you both know exactly who she was talking about.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I was not offended by her post, even as an infertile with a current complicated pregnancy. I felt she was being honest abotu what is best for her, even if the wording was not quite right.
You, my dear, already are an amazing mom. Marek isn't even here yet and you put fertiles to shame. Please don't judge yourself. You're meant to be a mom to him. THIS child. That's all there is to it.
ReplyDeleteIt's those pesky pregnancy hormones. Once they send us off on a rant, there's no stopping us.
ReplyDeleteLiesel is right, I think you had a right to be miffed over the things she said in her post. You were directly sited. I'm not saying this to rouse up any feelings of hurt and anger toward her, but I don't think what you said came off as wrong. Your motivation was your defense mechanism. I would have been motivated by the same thing in your shoes. And Marek exists because of the choices you made. How could you ever be made to feel bad over that?
ReplyDeleteVery thoughtful and honest post. I appreciate you thinking about this and sharing your thoughts so openly. I know it is a touchy subject for a lot of people and obviously not everyone is going to feel the same way. But you ARE pregnant and you will be a wonderful mom to Marek. :)
ReplyDeleteWow, this line of posts teaches me to be gone for a few weeks. I missed out on a lot. We all have to make the decisions that are best for us. Standing by those decisions can be hard sometimes and being defensive is just normal. If I were pregnant, after everything, I think I would vaporize anything near me that I saw as a threat to me or my babe.
ReplyDeleteAh the joys of infertility... hating yourself. Good thing you have a community of 99 electronic people to hold you up, when you can't. xo