You might have noticed I took a blog sabbatical. I thought about blogging a lot, I did read the occasional blog just to make sure you guys were all right, but for the most part I needed a break.
You may remember this post I wrote two weeks ago, it’s the reason behind my need for a blogging break. It was a bit of a controversial post… not my usual style. I love a good debate in real life but my natural medium is face to face discussions, explaining myself on the spot so there is no confusion about what I mean. I’m not a writer; I’m not good at getting my thoughts out in written word.
I hate when what I’m trying to say is misinterpreted, it makes me anxious. This is why I love a good debate, face to face. You get to talk things out and give people a chance to explain themselves on the spot, no time for brooding over what you thought they were tying to say. This beautiful back and forth doesn’t happen when blogging. People interpret (or misinterpret what you wrote and then give a quick reply that they don’t expect a response to. Commenters can hide behind anonymity which allows them to be harsher than they would in real life and stops you from truly responding, because if they don’t check back for your response they’ll never hear your reply.
Because S.I.F. linked to my post, and she is much more popular in the blog-o-sphere than I am, I got about 20 times more hits than a normal post. Along with those views came many visitors and commenters that are not infertile, which is something I haven’t experienced before. I have no problem with a varied audience, but it was a strange experience to have such a deluge of differing opinions come out, and especially a lot of strongly worded ones.
For the first time I felt like I couldn’t defend myself and what I had been trying to say. Then I got even more mad when I realized I shouldn’t have to defend myself on my own blog, I have a right to my opinions and I write an anonymous infertility blog for a reason. The only person in my real life other than S.I.F. who knows my blog exists is my husband Blue. I write this blog so I can get these thoughts out and heard by people who understand.
I have ENOUGH fertile people to debate with in real life, I really have no desire to do that here, in my safe place, where I can be so easily misunderstood.
I’ve been so frustrated by all of this that I haven’t written a blog post in two weeks, I even thought about going private, which goes against everything I believe about blogging. I hope I don’t offend anyone here, but I hate it when blogs I love go private. I still try and keep up with your posts, but it’s hard, your posts don’t show up in my reader and it just seems to go against the whole point I see in blogging, which is linking people together through common interest.
But I finally understand why people do it, going private seems to be a necessary step for freedom of speech once you get to a certain number of readers. Going private allows you to say what you’re feeling with out worrying about negative comments bringing you down. I’ve brooded over this for days but I can’t do it, I just can’t go private.
I’m on the fence about just stopping blogging all together. I can’t imagine leaving this community that has provided me with so much support but I can’t help but feel like now that I’m pregnant I have to be even more gaurded with my thoughts so I don’t offend people who are still struggling.
My final conclusion is to keep trying for a few more weeks. I’ll write the posts that I’ve wanted to write in the last few weeks and I’ll write them how I would in my perfect blog world where everyone is supportive. If the answer is still frustration and disappointment then I’ll say good bye.