The best of Intentions

Years ago when I dreamed of being pregnant, long before we even started trying, I researched all the ways to have a perfectly “organic” pregnancy.  I bought books and planned all the ways I would be the perfect fertile garden for my future baby to grow.

Then the big day came and we actually started trying!  I was caffeine free, organic and loving being the perfect womb. 

Then it turned out my womb wasn’t so perfect… So then I got even more serious about being the perfect “fertile” body.  I gave up alcohol and went gluten and dairy free, I ate only organic meat, I used the awful organic shampoo that never makes your hair feel clean but costs 3 times that of your normal, foamy, wonderful shampoo.

Then I finally got pregnant.  But I wasted all that perfect womb time on the pre-pregnancy years. 

During our IVF cycle I added back dairy because I was so damn tired of being dairy free.  I had long since given up on the natural deodorant that made me stink like a teenage boy and the greasy hair left after the world’s most expensive shower.  I was on more drugs every day than a normal person takes in a month.  There was nothing organic left in my diet because I couldn’t bear the thought of eating meat that wasn’t from a fast food restaurant or vegetables at all.

Then one morning at around 8 weeks pregnant I was taking Blue to the airport and we drove past a McDonalds.  He wanted to grab something before his flight and before I knew it I’d ordered a bacon egg and cheese biscuit.  Until that point I had been gluten free for an entire year…

Here I was, finally pregnant and able to be the perfect organic womb for my child, eating a fast food, gluten and dairy packed, greasy gut bomb.  And it tasted better than anything I’ve ever eaten in my life.

Things have just gone downhill from there.  I was caffeine free before we even started trying and at 14 weeks added caffeine back (at my doctor’s recommendation) to control the mind blowing migraines I was getting.

The stories of my failure to be the “perfect” womb continue.  I’ve failed at just about every aspect of what I originally set out to do.  I’m terrible at being pregnant.  My normally borderline low blood pressure is getting dangerously high, my irritable uterus hates hosting a guest, my feet don’t fit in any of my shoes anymore, I hate eating anything I cook or anything that even sounds healthy, I haven’t even been allowed to work out since getting pregnant and even going to Cos.tco causes contractions.

I’m pissed.  I’m pissed that infertility stole my energy to be the “perfect” womb before it was time.  I’m pissed that now I just want to be done being pregnant because I feel like I’ve let my life be completely consumed by my desire to be this way for almost 3 and a half years and now I’m just plain sick of it.

I hate that I feel this way.  I hate that there are so many women still out there hurting and willing to do anything for this experience and I’m not appreciating it to its fullest.

I’m tired.