Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The best of Intentions

Years ago when I dreamed of being pregnant, long before we even started trying, I researched all the ways to have a perfectly “organic” pregnancy.  I bought books and planned all the ways I would be the perfect fertile garden for my future baby to grow.

Then the big day came and we actually started trying!  I was caffeine free, organic and loving being the perfect womb. 

Then it turned out my womb wasn’t so perfect… So then I got even more serious about being the perfect “fertile” body.  I gave up alcohol and went gluten and dairy free, I ate only organic meat, I used the awful organic shampoo that never makes your hair feel clean but costs 3 times that of your normal, foamy, wonderful shampoo.

Then I finally got pregnant.  But I wasted all that perfect womb time on the pre-pregnancy years. 

During our IVF cycle I added back dairy because I was so damn tired of being dairy free.  I had long since given up on the natural deodorant that made me stink like a teenage boy and the greasy hair left after the world’s most expensive shower.  I was on more drugs every day than a normal person takes in a month.  There was nothing organic left in my diet because I couldn’t bear the thought of eating meat that wasn’t from a fast food restaurant or vegetables at all.

Then one morning at around 8 weeks pregnant I was taking Blue to the airport and we drove past a McDonalds.  He wanted to grab something before his flight and before I knew it I’d ordered a bacon egg and cheese biscuit.  Until that point I had been gluten free for an entire year…

Here I was, finally pregnant and able to be the perfect organic womb for my child, eating a fast food, gluten and dairy packed, greasy gut bomb.  And it tasted better than anything I’ve ever eaten in my life.

Things have just gone downhill from there.  I was caffeine free before we even started trying and at 14 weeks added caffeine back (at my doctor’s recommendation) to control the mind blowing migraines I was getting.

The stories of my failure to be the “perfect” womb continue.  I’ve failed at just about every aspect of what I originally set out to do.  I’m terrible at being pregnant.  My normally borderline low blood pressure is getting dangerously high, my irritable uterus hates hosting a guest, my feet don’t fit in any of my shoes anymore, I hate eating anything I cook or anything that even sounds healthy, I haven’t even been allowed to work out since getting pregnant and even going to Cos.tco causes contractions.

I’m pissed.  I’m pissed that infertility stole my energy to be the “perfect” womb before it was time.  I’m pissed that now I just want to be done being pregnant because I feel like I’ve let my life be completely consumed by my desire to be this way for almost 3 and a half years and now I’m just plain sick of it.

I hate that I feel this way.  I hate that there are so many women still out there hurting and willing to do anything for this experience and I’m not appreciating it to its fullest.

I’m tired.


  1. Lindsay, breathe. Here's the thing..the guilt will eat you alive. You are appreciating it to the fullest. The fullest for YOU. This has been hard. Incredibly hard. You are doing the best you can under these circumstances. Just because someone else would change places with you in a second doesn't mean it is any easier for YOU. Believe me, I get exactly what you're going through. I was going to be the same way. I just ate a bowl of cereal and a cinnamon roll. I had to realize that the best I could do for my child is love him and make the best decisions I possibly can. He doesn't need perfect, he just needs me. You are doing just fine.

  2. Be gentle on yourself... you've done so much and are doing so much for your little one already. Eating well is great, but if eating super well is stressing you then it's not worth it. You're body knows what it needs and if that means a few treats, then that's what it needs. I can totally relate to your tiredness... you've been through a marathon, not a sprint. Love to you always xoxo

  3. Lindsey, Nothing you are saying is unique to you (except maybe the organic deodorant...go A lot of us set out to "be all that we could be" for our babies during our IF journey, only to say "enough is enough" when we finally got pregnant. Don't be hard on yourself at all for how you feel. Ian is healthy as a horse now, and I ate like crap during my pregnancy. Pregnancy was one of the hardest things I ever went through, and I got out of the deal 7 weeks early. You are an amazing, awesome, strong woman and you should not feel guilty for one second. Ian is only four months old and, with the exception of my continued distaste for vegetables, I hardly even remember what pregnancy felt like (except that it wasn't pleasant). You are almost to the finish line. Keep's good for you (and it makes me laugh). Love ya'

  4. Love how real you are about pregnancy and infertility! Don't feel guilty for one moment. You have done the very best that you can do and you will continue to do so once your little guy is born!!

    Ditto on the above comment: keep on venting :)

  5. I am sorry you are feeling this way. You have definitely not failed though. Okay maybe things aren't turning out the way you had them planned but that does not automatically mean failure. You are doing wonderful thing by sharing how you feel as I am sure there are many others who feel or have felt exactly how you are now.

  6. Thank you for sharing your feelings to openly. I bet I would feel the same way. You have not failed though. It's really hard to maintain perfection. I don't think anyone can do it. I know from many women that pregnancy is hard - and you've really had a lot of obstacles, so I don't blame you one bit. *hugs*

  7. Don't beat yourself up. There are so many things we, as women/mothers try to do perfectly only to bring more mommy guilt upon ourselves. You are doing so many wonderful, good, and healthy things for your baby and that's what you will always do...will it always be perfect, no, but no parent love this little guy more than the universe and you always will and that's the most important thing a mother can do. A quote I recently pinned on pinterest with a picture of a mother holding a child's hand that puts things into perspective for me says this "Let go of the guilt...we have better things to hold on to."

  8. I want to second (third, fourth, whatev) what others are saying: don't be so hard on yourself! I know it's a knee-jerk reaction to blame ourselves and feel guilty for what we are or are not doing. But come one... give yourself some credit! You did it! Because of your desire and persistence, you found the right doctor. And with his help, you are pregnant. All that other stuff... the perfect womb and all that... it's just stuff. Nice ideas. Fantasies. But the truth is, you are doing the best you can. And Andre is living well in you, and will be living even better once he's out in the open.


  9. I personally love organic shampoo! My hair got to a point where it literally rejected regular shampoo/conditioner. I'd wash it and it wouldn't come "clean", it was just an oiled mess even after I stepped out of the shower and blow dried. It was disgusting! The first few washes of the organic stuff took time for my hair to get used to, but I can't use anything else now!

    As for everything else, nobody's perfect. You haven't done anything wrong! The reality is so much different than the fantasy with infertility and pregnancy no matter how much we tell ourselves it's going to be unicorns riding rainbows. You're doing the best you can for your little one, you're the best mother he could have asked for!

  10. Thank you girls so much for the sweet comments. I think I just needed a good long cry (which I got today!) I really appreciate you all and all the support, I'm not sure what I would do with out you!

  11. It's not like you don't have reasons to not love being pregnant! It's been one hill to climb after another. The important part is you DO appreciate that little one growing and we a lllll know you do so back off yourself. It's okay to feel this way!

  12. I heart you. And bacon egg and cheese biscuits.

  13. Too bad we just can't all be perfect huh?! Lol. And getting pregnant, staying pregnant and being pregnant isn't a walk in the park for everyone, you're doing great! And thankfully, he will be here before you know it! xo