I am an infertile. I am pregnant. I was an infertile first and will always be an infertile.
Being a pregnant infertile (PIF) is hard because you really don’t fit in except with other PIFs.
I can think of very few things I have in common with the average pregnant fertile (PF) except, of course, the baby growing in my uterus.
I have a lot in common with other IFs, but I know that hearing about my pregnancy might be hard for them, I know because I’ve been there and done that. I’ve smiled genuine smiles and then cried genuine tears.
Being an IF and hearing that another IF has come out the other side is a very confusing experience. You’re so happy for them. You’re so sad for you. You feel hopeful because they’ve succeeded. You feel like the only one who hasn’t succeeded.
Being a PIF is equally as confusing. You’re so happy for you. You’re so sad for your friends. You want to jump up and down with excitement. You want to hide until the baby is born because you’ve heard too many stories of miscarriages. You are finally pregnant. You no longer fit in. You make the IFs you love sad and the PFs just don’t get you.
I promised myself when I got here I would enjoy every minute. I promised I wouldn’t let survivor’s guilt bring me down. Sometimes I feel like I’m succeeding, sometimes I feel like I’m failing.
I could have written this post Linds - it's so true!! :)
ReplyDeleteYou need to succeed....and in succeeding you need to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and leave the guilt behind. After all, THIS is what us infertiles cheer sooo hard for!!! Dont let our cheering be in vain! :)
ReplyDeleteYou expressed what I've felt since becoming a PIF exactly.
ReplyDeleteI felt that way when I got pregnant, too! I know how strange and sad it is. I am soooooooo thrilled for you though! You give us hope!
ReplyDeleteI can understand that guilt however, the more you hold onto that guilt, the less you are helping those still in the trenches. Take hold of the pregnancy, jump up and down, just not always in front of the infertiles! Enjoy it...you deserve it!
ReplyDeleteI understand the guilt. I felt the same way. It's kind of irrational, when you think about it, since you NOT being pregnant wouldn't help anyone else, but I think it's inevitable that it hurts to leave dear friends behind. I think Amiracle4us is right that all we can really do is celebrate when the celebrating's good, mourn when there is something to mourn, and try to be sensitive to our audience when we are doing either.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck for a happy healthy pregnancy!