Return to the rollercoaster...

I feel like I should probably explain why I’m so petrified of falling into the infertility black hole again….

 

We originally decided we were going to go back to Vegas in June.  In February I called Dr. Sher’s office and spoke with his nurse about scheduling and set up a consult with him.  While we were on the phone she mentioned our frozen embryos and said something about quality…

 

It’s important to note that when we went through our IVF cycle to get Marek I had all but given up.  I handed it all over to Dr. Sher and when it was time to transfer I never even asked about embryo quality because I figured all it would do was make me worry more.  I decided then that Dr. Sher was the expert and I needed to let him do his job without over thinking it.

 

But this nurse offering to share embryo quality without me even asking was just too tempting…

 

Here is what I learned (and subsequently OBSESSED over, causing me to travel so far back down the rabbit hole of IF that I delayed our next round another 3 months…)

 

As a note, SIRM uses Graduated Embryo Scoring (GES), if you want an explanation you can find it here.

 

Out of 6 expanded blastocysts…

2 Graded 95%

1 Graded 85%

1 Graded 75%

2 Graded 50%

 

We transferred 2 embryos, which resulted in 1 baby, the embryos transferred were a 95% and a 50%.  This blew my mind!  I never asked so I just assumed he transferred the best two embryos.  Instead he transferred the best and the worst.  I immediately read WAY TOO MUCH into this.  I was convinced that this meant we had hope for the other 4 because we still had 2 great ones left! 

 

Then I had my consult with Dr. Sher.  He was realistic and kind but also crushed a lot of my hopes.  He said he “hoped” we have 1 baby in those 4 embryos.  According to him the grading doesn’t matter anymore once they reach blastocyst stage, it just gives you an idea of their chances of getting to that point.  He reminded me that only 50% of blasts are chromosomally normal and that due to our DQ alpha match statistically 50% of our “normal” blasts will match my immune system and likely be miscarried.  (I know there is a chance we can still carry one to term, which is why I’ll be on intralipids until 24 weeks, but it is small.)

 

I went from having little hope (thinking the only embryos left weren’t as good) to having over inflated expectations about quality to then having little to no hope again…

 

And then the PTSD kicked in.  How did I get on this roller coaster again without even realizing it??!!

 

And so I decided I clearly was not mentally ready for another round of IVF… and I’m not even sure I am now, but I have stepped back emotionally and am trying really hard not to obsess.  I ‘m not sure if being back in blog land will help that or make it worse?  Time will tell I guess.