Please

 

This week has been productive in the IVF2.0 world.  I got important docs signed and notarized, blood drawn, appointments scheduled, meds ordered and this afternoon I get the joy of another sonohysterogram…

 

I went through a pretty angry stage this week, as I’m sure most infertiles do when they realize this is what it takes to just TRY to have a baby.  No sex, no spontaneity, just doctors appointments and test after test, oh and of course money, lots and lots of money.

 

As I was grouching to my mom I heard myself telling her I know I should feel lucky, we have 4 frozen chances, we can afford this, and to top it off we have a beautiful son at home.  It’s strange how differently I feel this time around, last time it was depression and desperation, this time is mostly frustration and anger.

 

And then my miracle melted me and reminded me it is all so worth it in the end… I went to pick him up from day care and as I was talking to his teacher he looked at what I had in my hand and grunted hoping I would give it to him, I said “no” and he looked my right in the eyes and signed “please?”  Talk about a proud mama!

 

He had signed it a few times before but always prompted by me saying it first and encouraging him (and mostly about food!)  But yesterday he used it on his own with no prompting and not in reference to food!

 

 

Have I mentioned he LOVEs food?  That is a post for another day but oh man does that baby love food!  He still can’t eat much but hopefully Thursday we’ll find out if his allergies have changed at all and maybe we’ll be able to add in another food.

Return to the rollercoaster...

I feel like I should probably explain why I’m so petrified of falling into the infertility black hole again….

 

We originally decided we were going to go back to Vegas in June.  In February I called Dr. Sher’s office and spoke with his nurse about scheduling and set up a consult with him.  While we were on the phone she mentioned our frozen embryos and said something about quality…

 

It’s important to note that when we went through our IVF cycle to get Marek I had all but given up.  I handed it all over to Dr. Sher and when it was time to transfer I never even asked about embryo quality because I figured all it would do was make me worry more.  I decided then that Dr. Sher was the expert and I needed to let him do his job without over thinking it.

 

But this nurse offering to share embryo quality without me even asking was just too tempting…

 

Here is what I learned (and subsequently OBSESSED over, causing me to travel so far back down the rabbit hole of IF that I delayed our next round another 3 months…)

 

As a note, SIRM uses Graduated Embryo Scoring (GES), if you want an explanation you can find it here.

 

Out of 6 expanded blastocysts…

2 Graded 95%

1 Graded 85%

1 Graded 75%

2 Graded 50%

 

We transferred 2 embryos, which resulted in 1 baby, the embryos transferred were a 95% and a 50%.  This blew my mind!  I never asked so I just assumed he transferred the best two embryos.  Instead he transferred the best and the worst.  I immediately read WAY TOO MUCH into this.  I was convinced that this meant we had hope for the other 4 because we still had 2 great ones left! 

 

Then I had my consult with Dr. Sher.  He was realistic and kind but also crushed a lot of my hopes.  He said he “hoped” we have 1 baby in those 4 embryos.  According to him the grading doesn’t matter anymore once they reach blastocyst stage, it just gives you an idea of their chances of getting to that point.  He reminded me that only 50% of blasts are chromosomally normal and that due to our DQ alpha match statistically 50% of our “normal” blasts will match my immune system and likely be miscarried.  (I know there is a chance we can still carry one to term, which is why I’ll be on intralipids until 24 weeks, but it is small.)

 

I went from having little hope (thinking the only embryos left weren’t as good) to having over inflated expectations about quality to then having little to no hope again…

 

And then the PTSD kicked in.  How did I get on this roller coaster again without even realizing it??!!

 

And so I decided I clearly was not mentally ready for another round of IVF… and I’m not even sure I am now, but I have stepped back emotionally and am trying really hard not to obsess.  I ‘m not sure if being back in blog land will help that or make it worse?  Time will tell I guess.