Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Just how infertile is infertile?

I’d like to pose a question to all of you that has been weighing hard on my heart:

How long does someone have to try to have a baby before they can be part of our club?  How far do they have to go to be considered one of us?

I think it’s an inevitable part of human nature to look for ways that you’re “better” than others, but I also think it’s the worst part of human nature.  In my opinion it’s the root of prejudice, racism, sexism and many of the atrocities that have plagued human societies since the very beginning of time. 

My biggest fear in parenting is that I won’t be able to teach my children not to judge others, that they aren’t better than anyone else, they’re just themselves and that is what makes them wonderful (even if I think they poop rainbows.)

I’m really scared that this is starting to happen in the infertile community… I promise this will be the last time I mention it, but the in the comment section of the blog post I wrote about yesterday regarding P.A.I.L. there were several comments made about the woman who started the blogroll and how she didn’t even deserve to be a part of our community because she hadn’t struggled hard or long enough before she got pregnant.

At what point is our pain enough to be a part of this club?  Should we wear our number of years or months struggling as a badge of honor instead of grieving them?  Does moving on to a higher level of ART mean you’re “more infertile” than the girl next door?  Does having more than one miscarriage make you more deserving of sympathy?

I think we’re all guilty of occasionally thinking we’ve had things harder than others, at least I know I am.  When I’m depressed and wallowing in self pity it is hard to remember that I’m not the only one hurting but a sad and amazing thing happened the other day that made me realize that none of the things I mentioned above matter, every single person needs and deserves support.

A friend of mine in real life told me that she had just started her period after her third month trying to get pregnant.  She was tipsy (as most of us are the day the BFN shows).  She apologized multiple times for complaining to me, because she knew how hard of a time we’d had.  She was sweet and honest and was so frustrated about things not being easy like they are for everyone else.    She told me how they had planned and waited for the “perfect” time to start trying, how she’d given up caffeine months before and done everything she could to be ready.

…She was telling me my own story…

Listening to her brought me back to the first few months we tried, I think I cried more those 6 months than I did in the next 2 years.  I had forgotten how hard those months were.  They were the months where I wasn’t yet infertile, I just wasn’t normal.  They were the months where I had to come to grips with the fact that even the best laid plans don’t always work out.  They were the months where I didn’t belong to either group, fertile or infertile.  I couldn’t even talk to my doctor about a potential problem because I hadn’t tried long enough.  Those were the months where I felt the most brushed off and un-heard.  They were the months I felt the most alone.  They were awful months.

I want everyone to feel welcome in this community.  I want everyone in my real life to know how our son was conceived so that they feel like they can talk to me if they’re struggling.  I want to always remember that my hurt is no more important than anyone else’s.

So I ask that you try to be understanding of everyone you meet because every person has hurt that they’re carrying and it really isn’t our place to judge who is hurting more. 

15 comments:

  1. Amen. Comparing "levels" of pain is so ridiculous. This whole debacle has shaken my love for the IF community. I hope to get it back. *sigh*

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    1. I hope you get it back too, and I know what you mean about feeling shaken... I really believe its a very very small part of the community who acts this way. As a whole I think the ALI community is an incredibly supportive group no matter what stage of life you're in.

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  2. Thank you for writing this. I hate how this community can sometimes get into a who's more infertile than who contest. It doesn't happen often but every once in awhile, ooh boy! I'll never forget my first anonymous commenter that told me since I had conceived on an unmedicated cycle I wasn't infertile and was being insensitive by continuing to use the term! No one WANTS to be infertile and anyone who feels like they need to be a part of this community to find the support they're looking for should feel WELCOME not as thought they aren't infertile ENOUGH to be here! I hope this whole PAIL debacle blows over soon!

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    1. I can't believe someone said that to you! I'm so sorry! People can be so awful and its so easy to hide behind the veil of annonymity on the internet.

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  3. Love this post. I'm right there with Josey.

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  4. I KNEW I couldn't wait to read this one! This is the part that has possibly bothered me the most. I just don't think it's OK at all... In full agreement with you my friend!

    I saw a quote on Facebook yesterday that a friends little sister posted (the girl is 14 years old!) I loved it so much, and it kind of works perfectly here, so this was it:

    "When you judge someone, you don't define them,you define yourself."

    Perfect, right?

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    1. I love that quote! I also love that it came from a 14 year old, that is the age that girls all seem to jump on the judgement train and some of them forget to ever get off... Her parents did a good job teaching her, they should be very proud!

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  5. This is such a fantastic post. As someone who has been trying for 8 months now, I feel like I'm on neither side. An fertility purgatory. I have a friend who went off BC at the same time I did and will be giving birth in 2 weeks. Only 1 of my other friends & family members took more than 4-6 months to get pregnant. And every month is awful. Though I've started to get more resigned, I think, and now count down to the magical 1 year month where I can at least go see a doctor to see what is going on.

    Basically "They were the months where I didn’t belong to either group, fertile or infertile. I couldn’t even talk to my doctor about a potential problem because I hadn’t tried long enough. Those were the months where I felt the most brushed off and un-heard. They were the months I felt the most alone. They were awful months." Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Thank you for posting this. Thank you for showing that someone else understands.

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  6. I just want to thank you so much for this post. We are on month 8 of trying, but have also found out it is DH not me. I am technically as fertile as anyone. But I am still infertile because I still have no chance of a baby anytime soon, and probably not without help. He and I are infertile together, but even before the diagnosis there was still so much hurt, after three months there was hurt. Thank you, this post is really welcome.

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  7. I hate that so many of those comments seemed to come down to some sort of juvenile pissing contest. Just aggravates me. Is anyone any better than anyone else because they suffered longer or they did ivf instead of IUI or they were lucky enough to get a miracle natural bfp?! It's all relative my friends and we can't be the one to judge a person's pain based on some arbitrary timeline. Well, you only tried for X amount of time so therefore you can't possibly be feeling X amount of pain. Maybe you, my nerdy mathematical friend could work on some sort of equation for this lol?! ;)

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  8. I've felt for a long time that there were levels of infertility. I got pregnant with follistim and trigger shots and timed intercourse. Some think I got pregnant too easily because it wasn't an IUI or IVF. It's frustrating and hurtful especially as I just want to support others going through IF because I had great support while I was (and will be starting cycling again at the end of the month).

    Also, the other day I tried to leave a comment and it wouldn't let me... I wanted to let you know that they measured my son at 34 and 38 weeks and told me he would be 10 lbs. He came out 6 lbs 5 oz at 38 weeks 1 day. So try not to get too scared! :)

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  9. I could very easily be one of those women that judge a one time IVFer since I have done it 4 times and have been trying for almost 10 years. But every time those thoughts come, I have to intentionally replace them with happiness for that person. Its not easy, I struggle with it daily, but its not fair to judge someone else who has been diagnosed with infertility no matter what drugs they have taken or how many procedures they have gone through. If they can get a baby quick, good! great! wonderful! We need to be happy they take the baby train outta here!

    I am going to guess that these women who judge are hurting really bad and arent handling it well. Their hurt is no more than yours just different. Im telling you from my experience, it gets harder to be upbeat and positive the longer you are on this road.

    My suggestion, meet that judgement with sympathy and support they may need this commuity more than they ever did. Or if you cant do that, just ignore the comment knowing they are not handling their hurt very well.

    This whole controversy has inspired me to blog again. I have been away because I have been burying my emotions with a full schedule but these discussions has ripped open my scab and its time to deal with it.

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  10. I agree that everyone should be welcome. When I started my blog just over 3 years ago I had a horrible comment saying how I could not count myself as infertile, how I had not been through what she had and how I did not belong. That hurt. Sadly now, 5 failed cycles later, 3 1/2 years of trying I def am infertile! She now has her baby and I am still without. I hope am thinking I am now worthy of my place in this community?!? I am tempted to tell her as such but I doubt she would remember the comment!

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  11. So true... everyone should be welcome and be part of as many blogrolls, bloghops and supportive communities as they want. And IF is such a broad thing... we should all be going through this together, not defining it by length of trying etc. Hopefully this debate will settle down and our community will be strong again soon. Love to you always xoxo

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  12. I don't think I could possibly agree with this post more. Didn't we all come to this community looking for someone to understand and support us? We cannot turn on each other and talk smack about others for "how little they suffered" or what not, if someone feels they fit in with the ALI community then I welcome them with open arms.

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