I just want to start this out by saying I’m sorry if I offended anyone with my exuberance over the creation of P.A.I.L. I have so many incredible friends that I’ve found through this journey and NONE of you have made me feel left out or guilty for being pregnant and I’m petrified that I may have made you feel that way.
I have struggled with survivor’s guilt and also with sadness over not feeling comfortable posting about how I’m feeling because it might offend someone still in the trenches, what I haven’t acknowledged is that it is ALL self imposed. It is my perception from reading other infertility blogs that there are certain things that might be offensive and so I try to avoid them, my followers here have been steadfast and incredible in supporting me regardless of what I post.
A recent debate has started up in the ALI community over the creation of P.A.I.L. and I refuse to even link to the post because I was so horrified by some of the comments. The comments that were left on that post are the exact ones that have made me feel like I cannot post about pregnancy after IF, good or bad. They were posted by women who are hurting and are lashing out and I think all of us were there at some point in our journeys.
For the record I will still be a part of P.A.I.L. I don’t think the blogroll was created out of malice and I think it serves a great purpose, to help link together people in a common, tough place. Because even if you don’t realize it yet, pregnancy after infertility isn’t always the happily ever after we’ve all dreamed of, its real and scary and sometimes its as tough as IF was.
IF is a hard road but until you take the pregnancy after IF fork you don’t realize that the hurt from IF never actually goes away. The only way it goes away is if you forget your past, if you do what most bloggers do and leave this community behind. I REFUSE to do that! IF has shaped my life, it has changed me in a million ways (both good and bad) but I am who I am because of it.
I will continue to blog here about me and my life, sometimes it will be about how ever present IF is even after pregnancy, but sometimes it will be about pregnancy in general or my dorky obsession with spreadsheets. I hope that anyone will feel welcome here to read and comment, I hope to touch people in all stages of IF and beyond.
The truth is that the people who are hurting and who lash out are going to do that no matter what I write. My loyal and fabulous followers don’t deserve to have me put that on them. You all have always shown me respect and love, and if you were in a tough place you’ve always respected my space regardless.
So I guess the point of this post is to say thank you to my wonderful friends. You are all incredible and have been my source of hope and support for so long, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and I truly hope I didn’t hurt any of your feelings by posting about P.A.I.L.