Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I'm sorry

I just want to start this out by saying I’m sorry if I offended anyone with my exuberance over the creation of P.A.I.L.  I have so many incredible friends that I’ve found through this journey and NONE of you have made me feel left out or guilty for being pregnant and I’m petrified that I may have made you feel that way.

I have struggled with survivor’s guilt and also with sadness over not feeling comfortable posting about how I’m feeling because it might offend someone still in the trenches, what I haven’t acknowledged is that it is ALL self imposed.  It is my perception from reading other infertility blogs that there are certain things that might be offensive and so I try to avoid them, my followers here have been steadfast and incredible in supporting me regardless of what I post.

A recent debate has started up in the ALI community over the creation of P.A.I.L. and I refuse to even link to the post because I was so horrified by some of the comments.  The comments that were left on that post are the exact ones that have made me feel like I cannot post about pregnancy after IF, good or bad.  They were posted by women who are hurting and are lashing out and I think all of us were there at some point in our journeys. 

For the record I will still be a part of P.A.I.L.  I don’t think the blogroll was created out of malice and I think it serves a great purpose, to help link together people in a common, tough place.  Because even if you don’t realize it yet, pregnancy after infertility isn’t always the happily ever after we’ve all dreamed of, its real and scary and sometimes its as tough as IF was.

IF is a hard road but until you take the pregnancy after IF fork you don’t realize that the hurt from IF never actually goes away.  The only way it goes away is if you forget your past, if you do what most bloggers do and leave this community behind.  I REFUSE to do that!  IF has shaped my life, it has changed me in a million ways (both good and bad) but I am who I am because of it. 

I will continue to blog here about me and my life, sometimes it will be about how ever present IF is even after pregnancy, but sometimes it will be about pregnancy in general or my dorky obsession with spreadsheets.  I hope that anyone will feel welcome here to read and comment, I hope to touch people in all stages of IF and beyond.

The truth is that the people who are hurting and who lash out are going to do that no matter what I write.  My loyal and fabulous followers don’t deserve to have me put that on them.  You all have always shown me respect and love, and if you were in a tough place you’ve always respected my space regardless.

So I guess the point of this post is to say thank you to my wonderful friends.  You are all incredible and have been my source of hope and support for so long, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and I truly hope I didn’t hurt any of your feelings by posting about P.A.I.L.


  1. I think you made a great point by saying explaining how IF has shaped your life, whether it be good or bad it is part of you, me and several others. It's hard to forget this part of our lives. Joining a new community doesn't mean you are leaving behind your IF.

  2. Standing 'O' (you know, like Ovation, not the BIG O).

    I think Mel's hurt is founded, and when putting myself in her shoes - I can totally see where she was coming from. She has put A LOT of work into what she has created, and if I were her... I wouldn't be too huge a fan of seeing that replicated elsewhere. I think for so many of us, Mel is the beacon of light in a very dark and lonely tunnel. I know how much I look up to and admire her, and how often I have found myself thinking "I want to be like Mel when I grow up." She is THE voice of this community, and that is a title she has earned through blood, sweat, tears, and a shit ton of hard work into creating what she has. She has a right to want to protect that.

    But that said, I can also see that there was absolutely no malice intended at all from the creation of P.A.I.L, and even though it doesn't apply to me at all (and I am painfully jealous that it doesn't) I forwarded it on to several "friends" I've made in this world who I knew it did apply to and who have expressed that fear of continuing to post once pregnant. I didn't feel any kind of hurt or being left out over it's creation. I can understand why there would be a need or desire for something like that and when I first saw it, it never even occurred to me that it would be a replication of what has already been done.

    I can see both sides of this and I truly hope there is somehow a solution that doesn't leave so many feeling injured. I keep hoping that will be the case, because this kind of divide and anger isn't good for any of us. And the thing is - some of the comments over there have just turned my stomach. I really don't understand the need for that kind of vehemence at all, and it makes me very sad to see some within this community acting this way. Even though I've seen it before, it still shocks me and hurts my heart. I think you're right - there are some who are just going to be bitter and angry no matter what. And at some point, you just need to realize that taking care of yourself is more important than catering to that kind of hyper-sensitivity. Mel has a right to feel the way she does, but so many of the others seem to have taken it too far and forgotten that this is an actual PERSON with actual FEELINGS they are tearing apart. It's just not OK at all.

    You, my dear, have worked hard to be in the place you are now. And as I have told you 1000 times - you deserve to still be honest about where you are in this stage of your life now. Remember our deal: you can always talk about the beatiful and even sometimes crappy parts of pregnancy and parenting, and I can still talk about how much my heart aches over what will never be - without either one of us forgetting that there are pieces of both sides that are fair to recognize. You honor that deal Linds! Both here and in real life! You need to be true to who you are and where you are in this. You have EARNED that!

    Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind... Or however it is that phrase goes!

  3. I'm so glad SIF did the thinking & typing for me! I'm seconding what she said!

    And also... I understand trying to censor what you post a bit, for those of us who are still "in the trenches". However... this is YOUR space! I want you to blog openly. That's why I love you! I want to know what you are going through, not just some politically correct piece! If someone isn't up for reading about pregnancy, then they don't have to. There are days when I skip over updates from those who are pregnant, because I'm just not able to handle it. But there are other days (and most days!) that I'm happy to read anything/everything!


  4. I can only try to empathize. I am a pissed off infertile who has wasted almost a decade and almost $50k trying to concieve. So I am right at home here trying to get to "OK" and seeing how other people get to "OK". The only thing that bothers me about this community is that I have not seen one blog post about advocacy. I am starting to think that I am the only one without insurance coverage. Anyway, my point is, if I were pregnant, it would be hard to find a home in this community cause I would want to talk about baby food and diapers and cute little footies. Talk like that is hard for me to take right now. I have to endure the "my grandchild is so cute" talk at work daily! You need a space where you can talk about those things as well as the struggle to get there and you need people who are in the same boat to help you through the new struggles that none of us know anything about.

    I finally found this PAIL blogroll and your link. I will try to keep up to date with your progress but I honestly dont know if I can handle it right now becuase I am facing the very real possiblity that I will never have children because I am out of money. But I honestly think you were brought into my life to bring me here so I dont lose my mind. I will always be around and checking in on you even if Im not vocal cause your my cycle sista :)

    Love you and cant wait til May!!!

  5. I also agree, a great post from SIF. I don't think you have anything to apologize for though. This s our blog and your feelings and I'm for one going to be continuing to excitedly read about the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of Marek. :). Thinking of you and sending hugs!!

  6. long slow clap.

    Whilst I can sort of sea both sides, I still don't really understand it. Still feel really confused why a pregnancy after IF group is a bad thing.

    But I am still a member of PAIL and will always be a card carrying member of ALI!