Back when I was hopeful that Blue and I might still make a
baby on our own, when I was still symptom spotting and blissfully naïve, I goo.gled
something along the lines of “early pregnancy symptoms” and it brought me to a
website called twoweekwait.com. From
there I spent time obsessing with all of the other hopeful mommies-to-be and
eventually the mommies-that-might-not-be…
It was my first infertility resource.
The one thing that always amazed me on that website were two
women who regardless of their fertility struggles always supported everyone else,
from the teenager who didn’t want to be pregnant to the 10 year battle scarred
warrior.
These two women’s blogs were the first I read, they inspired
me to read other blogs and eventually start blogging myself. Through them I found S.I.F’s blog, and S.I.F.
as most of you know has become one of my very best friends in real life.
As I continued to blog and eventually meet more women in the
trenches there were a few along the way that I latched onto a little more than
others. Not all of the connections made
sense, not all of them even have a similar story to me, maybe I just connected
more with the way they write or the emotion they put out, who knows? But as anyone who blogs knows, we connect
more with some than others. Along the
way most of these women got their miracle baby/ies, one way or another.
One of these women I’d connected with kept struggling and my
heart broke for her a little more each time, just like it did for those first
two women I’d met through twoweekwait, and for S.I.F...
For some reason, these four women continued to be childless
and honestly my heart and hope broke a little more each day, and I lost a little more faith in God's desire to perform miracles each day that these
women lived without a child to call their own.
Somehow my own success didn’t matter in regards to my faith, because
these four had been left behind. I
thanked God many times for helping me to survive my journey to Marek, but I
purposefully didn’t thank him for my miracle, because I wasn’t sure I believed
he handed out miracles to faith-lacking infertiles like me.
And then, as S.I.F and I like to joke, Uranus moved the hell
out of the way and those four women, my special four, all in a matter of 44
days, got their miracles. Each story is
a little different, it’s not like they all brought home their bundles in a 44
day period, but each one hit an incredible milestone which means something vital
to each of them, and in turn meant something vital to me, and my faith.
January 9th,
Henry was born! My incredible friend
Kara, who I’d met in the very beginning and cried crocodile tears for many
times along the way finally had her take home baby…
February 13th, LisaB reached her second trimester.
In a
history plagued with early losses and heartbreaks for Lisa, she could never
really trust a pregnancy before this milestone, and today she’s still chugging
along at 17 weeks, almost half way there!!!
February 13th,
I was already on a big high because of the first two, but still aching for my
other two, and then, out of the blue, Cheek’s mom called… and in a day it
appeared S.I.F’s life was going to be forever changed, and so was mine… Overnight we all became a whirlwind of
activity to prepare for a baby with one week’s notice.
February 14th,
with my heart already about to burst, Lisa got her first doubling beta ever, on
their third and final attempt at IVF they finally got their dream answer! Lisa is the odd man out, I haven’t known her
through my whole struggle like the other three but I latched on to her and her
story from the first time I visited her blog, I’m not even sure she’s stayed
too current on mine, (because sometimes it’s not fun to read stories of success
when you’re still hurting) but I still thought about her often, and checked up
on her blog even when I didn’t keep up on anyone else’s.
February 21st, Cheeks was born.
The most beautiful
little girl I’ve ever met got to meet her momma for the first time. And I got
to sit in the waiting room wondering how these miracles had all happened at
once…
And then I did the thing I said I wouldn’t do, I thanked God
for these 4 babies, and for Marek. I
told him I was sorry that I had lost so much faith. I cried so many tears of joy, and laughed
because no one would ever really understand what it meant for me that all four
of these miracles had happened in just 44 days, especially because there is no
other tie between these four but me...
Why had I latched on to these four?
Why did these four mean so much?
How could all four of these miracles happen in just 44 days? There is only one answer in my mind, the big
Man upstairs.
I waited on baited breath until today to write this because
I was waiting to hear how Lisa’s last US went, and, as icing on the proverbial
cake, it went perfectly.
My heart is full and my faith is restored.
