Adventures of Endo & Pregnancy in the Arctic

My motivation for yesterday's post...

2012-02-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

I think my words might have come out wrong yesterday…

I said what I was trying to say but maybe my motivation for saying it wasn’t clear…

For the record, S.I.F. has been one of the most supportive people in my life since the day I met her. She’s an incredible friend and will be an important part of Marek’s life.

I want to make it clear that in no way was I implying that she thought I didn’t deserve to be pregnant. Her blog post was about her feelings regarding IVF in HER future, not mine, not anyone else’s.

I was mad and hurt when I first read her post but after a lot of thought and consideration realized those emotions weren’t fair. It wasn’t her intention to judge me, I was putting that judgement on myself. She said “IVF is going too far for me” I heard “IVF was going too far for you.” I had long since moved past being mad at her when I wrote that post yesterday. I wrote it about what her post helped me realize, not to defend myself to her.

I’ve struggled this pregnancy with feeling like my body was failing me, I’ve struggled with wondering if I really did go too far. That’s why her post hit me so hard, because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it all yet.

Reading her post helped me realize all the things I said yesterday. I didn’t say them to defend my choices to S.I.F. she’s never questioned my choices. I said them because I realized that for 3 years I’ve carried a huge self-imposed burden of self loathing that I shouldn’t have to carry and that I wouldn’t carry if I was fertile.

Do my complications mean I had no business getting pregnant...?

2012-02-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve been questioning this for a long time, maybe even since that first realization that getting pregnant wasn’t going to be so easy for me. I’ve been questioning it even harder every time something tough has come up in this pregnancy, which I’ll admit has been often. I’ve never written a post on it because I didn’t know how I felt, not until I read this post by S.I.F.

Now most of you know she is my friend in real life, and I will be honest here and say that her post has probably shaken our friendship a little, but I don’t feel like it’s broken it. She wrote the post about her self and her future and we’ve touched on this subject in real life, but it was hard not to read between the lines and see that the outcome she fears is the reality I’m in. It’s funny, in a way, that I didn’t know how I felt about the whole subject until I felt like I needed to defend how I felt.

Truthfully, reading her post hurt and infuriated me. I mulled over the post for days with a sick feeling in my stomach and then a light blub went off, I am totally confident in my choices, I would do it all over again. So, like a wounded Mama bear, I feel like I need to stand up for the existence of Marek and my choices to bring him into this world, here is my attempt.

The ability for humans to get and stay pregnant is a miracle. The more you know about the intricacies of the process the more you realize that it is incredible anyone gets or stays pregnant. There is no such thing as getting pregnant because you deserve it, if that were the case we would have all been pregnant long ago. People get pregnant when an amazing number of biological factors all align, people who have infertility just have a hard time making one or more of those factors get in line with the rest.

Thankfully, the science exists to help those missing pieces fit, for me that was IVF and there were a lot of pieces: endometriosis, sluggish tubes, diminished ovarian reserve, thin uterine lining, autoimmune issues, and alloimmune issues.

Does having more than one issue affecting my fertility make me less deserving of a pregnancy? I don’t think so. It was more to go up against but it was worth it. Just because I had problems didn’t mean I deserved a pregnancy any less than my super fertile sister or friends did.

S.I.F. talks a lot about the use of progesterone in IF pregnancies, I think I struggled with this topic as much as any other in her post. Does taking a supplemental dose of a hormone that our bodies are not producing yet mean that we are risking our children’s health? I believe that if it did it wouldn’t be prescribed. I would like to see the statistics of pregnancies resulting in birth defects and the proof that progesterone supplementation was the cause. If we read and took to heart the warnings on every medicine we ever took we’d never take another medication. Just because it’s listed as a potential worst case scenario doesn’t mean that it’s a credible threat, if that were the case IVF wouldn’t have been around for the last 30 years.

I’m a big supporter of doing your own research and being an advocate for yourself with your doctors, but at some point you also need to trust your doctors. You know your body, but they know the science and they have the historical evidence.

Now on to pregnancy complications, of which I’ve had many: blood clotting disorder, placenta previa, and irritable uterus, just to name a few.

If a fertile woman has pregnancy complications does it make her question why her body is failing her? Probably.

Does it make her question if she is any less deserving of that child? No.

Why do we, as infertiles, expect more of our bodies and question if we are deserving just because something isn’t going perfectly? Life isn’t perfect so why do we put so much more pressure on ourselves and our bodies to give us that unachievable perfection?

A lot of women have pregnancy complications. For example my sister, who got pregnant her first month trying found out, by chance, at 32 weeks that she was 3 cm dilated. She spent 4 weeks on bed rest, then, in 1 week walking around, dilated to 7 cm and delivered at 37 weeks. She never once questioned if that meant she wasn’t supposed to take her child home, she never once thought maybe she wasn’t supposed to get pregnant in the first place. Another friend had a placental abruption at 26 weeks and now has a healthy 3 year old. Do you think those thoughts went through her mind? Nope, she was just concerned for the health of her child and did what the doctors told her she must to keep her and her baby alive.

Somehow going through IF makes us question everything our bodies do. It makes us stop trusting ourselves and our doctors, it convinces us that anything bad that happens is our fault because we tempted fate by forcing pregnancies that never should have been.

Fuck-that. Our pregnancies should have been. If anyone has a pregnancy that should never have been it’s the crack addict or alcholic who’s choices before and during her pregnancy make it so. None of the shit we go through is by choice. We were all forced into the positions we’re in and deserve these pregnancies as much as any other mother out there and we’ll be better mothers for it.

So lets unite ladies, lets stop letting one bad hand we’ve been dealt define our sense of self worth.

I survived the stomach flu, talk about brutal...

2012-02-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

The whole premature labor scare mixed with the drugs for it resulted in stomach ulcers. Stomach ulcers are super duper painful when your stomach is empty so the combination of throwing up and not eating for 36 hours was especially not fun.

I think the most stressful part about the stomach flu was being dehydrated. I got lectured at the hospital and by my doc about how dehydration is bad and causes your uterus to contract so I was worried the whole time about the stomach flu causing bad contractions again. Luckily I only had one bad bout of them that only lasted an hour. My OB said that was actually very good considering how dehydrated the stomach flu makes you.

Now for the great news… I think my luck might be turning… I was finally tested for something I DON’T have, gestational diabetes! Go me!

Also yesterday successfully marked 26 weeks!

Stomach Flu

2012-02-05T19:18:00.001-08:00

Will I ever catch a break?

I think the scale lied

2012-02-02T18:01:00.000-08:00

Remember this post, the one where I told you my doc lectured me on weight gain? That was at my 23 week appointment.

At 23 weeks and 6 days I went to the ER and I weighed 10 pounds less on their scale. I figured that might have been a fluke since it was a different scale and it was the morning so I decided my docs scale was probably right.

When I went in for my 25 week post bed rest check up I weighed 12 lbs less on the exact same scale at the exact same time of day.

This means one of two things, I magically lost a lot of weight in 2 weeks, or I didn’t gain any weight in 7 weeks. Either scenario makes me very happy.

It confirms that I’m not going crazy and seeing some other skinny person in the mirror. It also makes me realize I shouldn’t be afraid of the scale, I should have been weighing myself at home from the start so that it was consistent and so I didn’t stress myself out over one bogus weigh in.

Looking at total weight numbers I am 34 pounds heavier than my ideal weight, but I didn’t start this pregnancy at my ideal weight, I started a good 15 pounds of IVF meds and depression heavier.

*Also for the record I think at least 10 of those pounds are in my freakishly gigantic boobs.*

Now, for your viewing pleasure, picture proof that I haven’t really lost 12 lbs in the last two weeks.

An Update on my Irritable Uterus

2012-02-01T13:45:00.001-08:00

My official diagnosis: Irritable Uterus.

I always knew my lady parts sucked but this one just makes me laugh. I seriously chuckled for about an hour after we left the doctors office yesterday. It basically means my uterus doesn’t like having a baby in there and is going to resist stretching out by contracting a lot.

These little “irritability” contractions are OK as long as they don’t get rhythmic. If I start having them I’m supposed to lie down and measure them to make sure they aren’t a minute long, 5 minutes apart, and lasting more than 1 hour. If they are, back to the hospital we go.

For now I’m allowed to go back to work (since I have a cushy desk job.) I’m back to my placenta previa restrictions so, no sexy time and no lifting more than a milk carton. I have no complaints about these restrictions now! Everything that has happened has scared me straight, I will be a good girl and follow all rules necessary to keep little man in there as long as possible.

I will be going in for weekly appointments from now on and they will be doing cervical checks each time to make sure its staying long and closed. I think going in weekly will help my anxiety a lot because its scary knowing I’m supposed to expect a lot of contractions but need to make the call myself if they are too close together.

My current medicine regimen is as follows: boat loads of antibiotics (because it will take another few days until my bacteria cultures come back), and a smooth muscle relaxer that will help make my cranky uterus happier.

I have one med still up in the air, my OB and the perinatologist would like me to start weekly large doses of intramuscular progesterone. This treatment is usually reserved for second pregnancies in women who have had previous preemies, so technically I’m not eligible. My doc is working with my insurance to see if they’ll pay even though I haven’t had a preemie yet since both she and the peri think it will prolong his time in my angry uterus.

I’m not going to Dr. Goo.gle this. I’ve been warned that the side effects of the progesterone are tough, also that there are some dangers to taking it, but if both of my docs think it is necessary I know that I need to trust their judgment. I pay them to be the expert and not every link on goo.gle is to the words of an OB with 20 years of experience.

Bed Rest Musings

2012-01-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

I read a post by another infertile today that inspired me, there is a line where she says “I will remain infertile ‘til the day I die.” That line rang so true to me, and so it inspired this post.

I know I’m pregnant but I wish that people in my life realized that I’m not just pregnant, I’ll never be just pregnant, I am and will always be a pregnant infertile.

While I was laying on the hospital bed Tuesday morning and the nurse told me they were going to admit me for pre-term labor I immediately started bawling. The nurse asked me if I was OK and all I could say was, “but this baby was so hard to get.” Thats all I could think over and over.

Two weeks ago, at our 23 week appointment, I found myself asking my OB about viability again. I told her the truth, that if we lost him I wasn’t sure I could do this again. I know we still have four snow-babies waiting on us in Vegas but if we lose Marek I don’t know if I’d have the heart to even try again, and then there we were 1 week later in the hospital hearing that we might lose him. Being in the hospital, all the meds, bed rest, none of it is easy but I will do anything for him.

I hope this is a sign of how I’ll feel as a mother, I hope this means that having been through infertility will make me a better, more appreciative mother. I hope that the things that normal moms complain about will roll off my back, I hope it means I will literally sacrifice anything for him.

As I write this Marek is kicking the laptop, I can’t tell you how happy those kicks make me.

24 Weeks and a Scary Couple of Days

2012-01-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

I had planned to write a post on Tuesday about how nice it was to have my last intralipid infusion and to finally feel like a normal pregnant lady. Unfortunately that’s not the topic of this post, instead I’m writing to you today while on bed rest after a 30 hour hospital stay...

I had my infusion on Friday, I brought cupcakes for my nurses to say a final thank you and make a joke about how we refer to the intralipids as frosting. Then Blue and I spent the weekend working on Marek’s nursery. Monday we went to work and all was well.

Monday night while I was showering I started feeling some pain in my stomach so I laid down for a while and things got better. Then 10 pm rolled around and the pain started getting worse, at the time I really didn’t know what I was feeling but it seemed like contractions and, if so, they were too painful and too close together to mean anything good. I decided to try and sleep for a bit and see if they’d calm down, I was able to sleep for about an hour at a time. Finally 6 am rolled around and it hadn’t gotten better so Blue and I threw clothes on and headed to the hospital.

After about an hour of monitoring Marek’s heart beat and my contractions our OB decided to admit me and start an IV of magnesium sulfate, torodol, and antibiotics to try and calm down my uterus. They also did a bunch of different cultures to check for bacterial infections that can cause pre-term labor. Luckily my cervix was still long and closed which is the most important part.

The doctor thinks the contractions were probably caused when I passed a kidney stone which accounts for the pain I was having in my back. I was on the meds for 24 hours and then stayed in the hospital for another 3 hours while they monitored me to make sure they weren’t coming back. We also had an ultrasound with a perinatologist that showed little man is doing great.

For the next week I’ll be stuck on the couch/bed, only allowed to stand/sit up for 15 minutes of every hour. I have another check up with the OB next Tuesday and am hoping that she’ll release me back to normal life, but I’m happy to lay here all day until Marek gets here as long as he gets here safe.

What's in a name?

2012-01-20T15:43:00.000-08:00

Naming your little one after infertility is an adventure.

The first thing Blue and I did when we started trying was lie in bed and giggle about silly baby names, but that was back in the days where TTC was fun and new. After a while it was painful to think about baby names, they were just another reminder of the little one I didn’t have in my belly.

About a year into our journey with IF Blue and I fell in love with the name Lincoln and after that there was no question, we would have a Lincoln. Then the Lincoln dilemma happened… Quick recap, about a month before our gender scan family friends had a son and announced his name was Lincoln.

Without fail every name you love gets ruined by a fertile, either some idiot you didn’t like from high school stole it (which you wouldn’t even know about if it weren’t for stupid Fertilebook) or your best friend, cousin, coworker, etc. already used it. Either way all your favorites are gone by the time you get to them.

I just couldn’t get past the shared name thing, Linc no longer felt right…

Blue and I wrote down baby names everyday after that, texted them when they came to mind, etc. By the time his gender reveal came around we had about 20 boy’s names we liked, the operative word was liked, not loved.

So one night Blue challenged me and said “let’s pick his name tonight.” That seemed extreme to me, too quick, but I decided we could at least narrow down the list. At the last minute we each threw on one more name and then name by name started shortening the list.

We finally got down to three names. One that had some family significance and the two we added at the last minute, and then there was one... But, the planner in me couldn’t pick our baby’s name in one night! So, we agreed to try calling him by it in private for a while and see if it stuck, and it did.

I wrote this in the Maui sand for you guys!

The reason we picked Marek (besides loving it) is because Blue was very close with his grandpa who was Polish and so to honor him we decided to use a Polish name (it is kind of like the equivalent of Mark in Poland.) In Poland it is pronounced Mah-deck, we will make it easy on him and pronounce it the American way, Mer-eck.

His middle name is my maiden name, a shortened version of it is Dewy which was my nickname and my grandpa’s nickname growing up and so we’ll use Dewy for a nickname.

Blue and I mostly call him Marek now, but sometimes Mer. His sister and her kids (3 and 5) call him Baby Dewy, which is so cute to hear. The rest of the family seems to switch back and forth between the two. I’m super happy with our choice and feel like it just fits.

I'm fat and Blue's in the dog house

2012-01-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

Before you get worried by my title, our little man is doing great, we also decided on a name but I’ll save that for another day when I’m feeling happy. Today post isn’t a happy one. I apologize in advance to anyone that doesn’t feel like listening to me whine, I know my problems are petty in comparison to a lot of people’s, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sad, this is my blog and I need to vent.

Yesterday we had our 23 week appointment. Overall it went well except finding out that I’m gaining way too much weight. It depressed me because I pride myself on being healthy and its so critical for the babies health that I maintain a healthy weight.

I left the appointment totally downtrodden. If you’d asked me yesterday I would have told you I’d barely gained any weight since the last appointment. In truth, in a mere 5 weeks, I gained 10 pounds. I gained 2 lbs per week, a healthy weight gain at this stage is a half a pound a week.

You know when an anorexic girl looks at herself in the mirror and sees someone much fatter than she is? I think I have the opposite of that problem, I look in the mirror and see my old self with huge boobs and a cute baby bump, not the reality standing before me…

Yesterday I woke up happy and loving my body, Blue even said I looked pretty before 7 am, then my doctor told me I'm getting fat.

On a side note, I am glad I figured this out after Hawaii, if I’d figured it out before I never would have had the guts to wear a bikini.

On top of the weight woes I’ve spent the last several weeks getting progressively more worried about the fact that I rarely feel our little guy moving and I never feel obvious kicks. I read the websites and books and they all say by now other people should be able to feel them from the outside and you can start to do kick counts… So being the OCD worrier I am I went into yesterdays appointment with quite a bit of trepidation.

Our OB found the heartbeat immediately with the Doppler and in just a few seconds heard 3 obvious kicks with it. I felt none of them. She said it is probably due to my anterior placenta and nerve function damage from years of horrific pain and scar tissue caused by endo. F-you endometriosis for managing to make my pregnancy even more stressful. Somehow you find ways to weasel yourself into every aspect of my life even when you’re supposed to be in remission.

The day just got progressively worse when I couldn’t shake the sadness, I decided to go to bed early so I could wake up fresh and happy. While I laid there trying to sleep I tried hard to feel the little guy move, at least an hour later I still hadn’t felt anything. Blue was asleep by then, I gave up, rolled on my side and closed my eyes. Out of the nowhere I felt him kick my arm (which was rested on the side of my belly.) It was the perfect ending to such a bummer day! I shook Blue awake and said “quick, feel this!! I felt him from the outside!!” He rolled over and in an annoyed voice said, “cool, but you really need to go to sleep now.”

He couldn’t have said anything worse to me. I started uncontrollably sobbing, in fact tears are coming to my eyes now just thinking about it. I’m still hurt and mad at him, I’m not sure he can fix it. For the record I’m usually pretty easy on Blue. He is your stereotypical emotionless male and I’m OK with that, he says the wrong things a lot, but he knew how much this meant to me and he was just plain mean. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are making me overreact but I don’t care, he did the wrong thing. He gave me lots of excuses after that while I cried but none of them will bring back the joy he crushed the first time I felt little man kick and to top it off he was mean to me this morning. He’s in the dog house.

I'm back!

2012-01-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post to let you all know we made it back from Hawaii safe and sound. We left Maui and it was sunny and 85 degrees F, we landed last night and it was -9 degrees F. That’s a 94 degree temperature shift in the wrong direction...

It was a fabulous, relaxing vacation and I am proud to say that I wore a bikini every single day! I got a few funny glares from old ladies that were apparently appalled at the fact that I wasn't wearing a burka but I also got plenty of fabulous smiles from younger moms who appreciated my F-you to the man. Maybe if I'm feeling brave tomorrow I'll post a pic as proof... maybe.

For tonight I'm going to enjoy my own bed, snuggling my pups and my pregnancy pillow which I missed more than I thought possible!

I'll work on catching up on all my favorite blogs this week the best I can but it may take me a while, so here is a pre-apology for my sluggish blog commenting.

Vitamin D Needed

2012-01-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention that Blue and I are escaping to Hawaii for a much needed boost of vitamin D tomorrow. It was pretty last minute, we decided a few days before Christmas and just threw the trip together. We had written off traveling during the pregnancy because of my placenta previa but when it moved we decided a break from the below zero weather was necessary!

I went swim suit shopping a few days ago. I do not recommend that you go swim suit shopping while pregnant unless it is necessary. I had to since my boobs have jumped up 3 cup sizes, I tried on all my bathing suits at home first and Blue and I had a great laugh.

I found 2 that I think should last me for this trip and hopefully through the summer while I’m loosing the baby weight and nursing. I bought 1 tankini and 1 bikini, in the end I may regret the bikini choice but at the time I felt like showing off my belly.

I’ve never been a big fan of showing skin… cleavage and belly are things I’ve always preferred to keep under wraps, but pregnancy is the one time you’re supposed to be proud of your big ole belly, so I’m owning it and letting it all hang out! (Well I’m at least going to try it for 1 trip to the beach and see how uncomfortable it makes me….)

I doubt you’ll hear from me much during the next week, so wish me luck with the bikini endeavor and who knows, maybe I’ll be brave enough when I get back to show you a picture?... probably not.

Brokenhearted

2012-01-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

I’m sorry I’ve been so absent from blogging the last week but my heart has been breaking for a friend of mine and I just haven’t had the words to express it, or the desire to write anything else. Kara who writes For we are Bound by Symmetry got pregnant through her first IVF a few months ago and found out this weekend that she lost her precious little one at 9 weeks.

Years ago, when I first started searching the internet for IF support I found a great online forum and Kara was one of the most supportive women there. She still is. As women came in and out of the forums with their BFPs and even for their second BFPs, Kara was there for everyone regardless of the fact that she was still waiting on her BFP. It’s not often that you find such a selfless person, I know I’m not. There were many women I would get silently angry with rather than support when they got pregnant after just a few short months trying, but Kara was always there for them, always tweaking their pee stick pictures and saying kind words. Her blog was the first one I read and she was my inspiration to start blogging.

I’ve hoped and prayed for many women to get their BFPs but always at the top of that list was Kara, she deserves to be a mother, and honestly I think hers was the only BFP that has made me as happy as my own.

I’ve never met Kara in person, in fact besides blogging comments and a few emails we’ve had little contact, so maybe it doesn’t make sense that her miscarriage is breaking my heart like this? I’ve always said I don’t believe God hands out children to those he feels deserve them, but maybe I secretly hope he does? I secretly hope that God is out there making sure that we’re looked after, maybe not when we ask for it, but at least someday. I hope that sometimes God looks at us and realizes we’ll be incredible parents and so he spares us the pain of another childless month or year.

Maybe I’m just selfish? She has never had a miscarriage after all her years of trying and neither have I. I’ve always divided infertiles into two categories, those who can’t get pregnant and those who can get pregnant but struggle to stay that way. Kara and I used to be in the same, can’t get pregnant, category and now she’s moved over. Maybe I’m scared that means that none of us are spared that end? Maybe getting pregnant isn’t the hard part?

What ever the reason is, I wish I could do anything at all to bring her baby back, I wish I could help her feel better, I wish I could take away the fear that will consume her next pregnancy. I wish I could escape this world of cruelty it seems we all live in because at times I feel like life is just gray skies with occasional rays of sunshine rather than sunny skies with an occasional cloud.

I’m so sorry Kara, please know my heart is with you and Buster.

1/2 Way, an Infertile's Perspective

2011-12-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

Today marks the ½ way point, 20 weeks. It’s strange how fast time is going now. At the beginning I was so worried all the time that it seemed like the minute hand on the clock never moved while I waited and waited for the next test or ultrasound. Now, all of the sudden a week has passed and I don’t know where it went!

I got a comment on my last post that said “congratulations on your son” it was the first time I’d thought of him as that, an actual person. I’m only now starting to embrace the fact that we’re actually having a human being, it’s almost like it was too risky to think of him like that before.

Today marks the point where if we lose the baby it’s considered a still birth and not a miscarriage. I’m not sure why that seems significant but it does, somehow a doctor acknowledging the fact that if we lose the baby I’m truly losing a baby and not just a pregnancy seems important. And yet, I don’t feel any differently about this baby today than I did yesterday, it would be no harder to lose him today than it would have been yesterday. I’m already counting the weeks until we reach viability.

I think wading through the trenches of infertility really messes with your mind. I don’t think normal fertile women contemplate things like this when they reach the ½ way point. I think normal fertile women just get excited about baby showers, newborn clothes and being on the downhill slope. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about those things too but they weren’t the first thing I thought of this morning, miscarriage vs. stillbirth was… Just like the first thing I thought of at 18 weeks was that if I went to the ER I would now get seen by the doctors in labor and delivery not just regular ER docs. Do normal women ever contemplate a trip to the ER during their pregnancy? Do they have contingency plans for what hospital they’ll head to at the first sign of distress like I do?

I took a quick picture of myself to mark the day, of course I forgot this morning but against my better judgment I snapped a picture of myself in the mirror of the ladies room at work. I was laughing about how ridiculous I felt while I took it so that is why you see the stupid look on my face…

Wiener Confirmation!

2011-12-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday we had an awesome 19 week ultrasound! I apologize for taking so long to post this but after our appointment I was just so happy I never got to the computer to type this up. The ultrasound confirmed that we’ll be welcoming a baby boy in May! It also gave me an incredible Christmas present, my placenta previa cleared!!! So, as would be expected, Blue and I celebrated all weekend…

Little Man is going to be tall, you could tell he had really long legs in the ultrasound, the tech also said that he’s measuring 6 days ahead for crown to rump length (which is the measurement they usually use for dating the pregnancy.) Early on he consistently measured 3 days ahead on CRL but since 12 weeks he has been growing like crazy!

Somehow finding out he is a boy makes this whole pregnancy thing feel more real. We’ve started serious talks about names and think we’ve come to an agreement but I still have a few little hang ups. Our plan is to call him by his name (secretly) for the next few weeks and see if it sticks. I have to admit that I’m having a hard time not calling him little man though, that seems to fit the best of anything!

This week I promise a 20 week post complete with belly pictures and another post all about the fact that we’ll no longer be having a planned C-section and why that terrifies me.

A Whole Year and Blog Awards!

2011-12-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe I’ve been blogging for a whole year (and a week since I’m late writing this!)

Blogging has helped me put my life and TTC in perspective. In the beginning, before any one actually read my blog, just writing down my thoughts (both negative and positive) had a huge effect on me. From the time I started this blog to the first positive pee stick was 9 months. We had been trying for almost 2 years before that but the 9 months that followed were the hardest of my life. I wouldn’t have survived it with out blogging and the friends I have met through it. You are people I will remember for the rest of my life, you have been there for me through thick and thin and I mean it when I say it meant the world to me.

A few of these wonderful friends have given me blog awards in the last month or so and I’ve been slacking about doing my own award post, so here it goes!

I huge thank you to:

Lisa at www.hapahopes.blogspot.com

Mrs. Bubba T at www.Bubbatajourney.blogspot.com

And Lola at www.Lola-waiting4baby.blogspot.com

Since I’m combining two awards I’m changing the rules slightly and making them a little more fun… Here are the new combo rules!

1. Thank the person who gave you the award!

2. List 7 things people may not know about you (complete with pictures.)
3. Pass the award to 5 other bloggers and notify them as well.

Here are my 7 things:

1. You may know how much I love Blue, but you may not know that his military uniform involves a maroon beret and dress pants stuck into his boots, apparently this silly outfit is an honor to get to wear… This is us at his Combat Rescue Officer graduation in April of 2010.

2. You may know I have 2 goldendoodle (half golden retriever half standard poodle) fur babies, but you may not know that Trapper, the white one, sees it as his personal responsibility to clean Panda’s face, most importantly his eye boogers.

3. You may know I live in Alaska, but did you know that I LOVE borrowing other people’s animal fur hats to take photos in?

4. You may know I’m pregnant but you probably don’t know that it is due in part to the fact that I wished for it while rubbing this statue on Charles Bridge in Prague, Czech Republic this summer.

5. You may know about Panda and Trapper but I doubt I’ve told you about Daisy, my 8^th grade birthday present. Daisy died this year at age 14 but this is my favorite picture of her, she was attending an 80’s party and came dressed for the occasion.

6. I have a friend who is a circus performer and I tried to learn how to do the whole ribbon dancing thing once. It’s hard and somehow this picture is fooling you into thinking I had it figured out, I didn’t, I was a mess.

7. Blue and I had a couple’s Halloween last year and went as Little Red and The Big Bad Wolf (dressed as a grammy). Isn’t Blue so cute in a romper!

Now onto the award passing! I’m going to give this award to 5 of the blogs I recently started reading, so head on over and check them out!

http://wherefromhere2.blogspot.com/ - This is the blog my fabulous friend who I cycled with in Vegas started. She’s still on her journey to a BFP so head over and cheer her on!

http://bunlessintheoven.blogspot.com/ - This is a great girl I met through TWW, she and I are almost the same due date and she is pregnant after struggling with IF as well.

http://613bittersweet.blogspot.com/ - Pregnant with her miracle after IVF, she just graduated from the RE, go tell her congrats!

http://aliciamarie911.blogspot.com/ - I love Alicia’s honesty! She is an honest, sincere blogger and I enjoy all her posts. She is also still on the IF train so go cheer her on!

http://tippyandtidy.blogspot.com/ - Tippy is also pregnant after donor IVF and recently wrote a great post about what a difference a year can make, its so true considering I started this infertility blog a year ago and now here I am.

Belly Shots and my OCD

2011-12-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

I’ve mentioned my OCD before, right? Do you recall my super nerdy trigger calculator which caused me way more anxiety than necessary? Or maybe one of my other crazy spreadsheet admissions helped you realize the extent of my crazy?

The point is sometimes I’m a little obsessive. I over plan, I stress over details and if God forbid if I ever have to compare things to one another THEY WILL be perfectly comparable or I won’t compare them at all. Hence the reason I have a belly picture from 8 weeks and then not another until 16 weeks. (Well, there was one failed attempt at 10 weeks but it is just another illustration of my crazy.)

I took my 8 week picture in what seemed like the perfect outfit for it, black yoga pants, because I have 2 of the exact same ones, and a black tank top, because I have 3 of the exact same ones. You see, the reason the outfit choice was important was because I already knew how crazy I would be about comparing one picture to the next and how could I possibly compare them if I was wearing different clothes??

So why didn’t I just keep taking weekly pictures? See the following reasons and be thankful you’re not totally nutso like me:

9 Weeks: Blue was out of town and since he took the first picture and I would have to take the second picture alone they would not be comparable because number 2 would have to be a mirror picture and number one was not.

10 Weeks: Blue was late for work but I threw clothes on and got him to stay an extra 2 minutes so we wouldn’t miss it. He refused to come upstairs so we had to take them next to the door to the garage. I cannot use these for comparison because the angle and distance and lighting are way off, I was so mad I deleted all but one (just incase I ever need it for anything other than comparison sake.)

11 Weeks: I forgot to take the pictures before work. If they aren’t taken in the morning they won’t be comparable because I will be more bloated because I ate.

12 Weeks: Both pairs of my favorite yoga pants were dirty.

13 Weeks: I forgot until it was 13 weeks and 1 day. This clearly would not count because it was Thursday, not Wednesday like it was supposed to be.

14 weeks: Blue was on nights so he slept in (see reason from week 11.)

15 weeks: I had the day off so I slept in and Blue left for work at his normal time (see reason from week 9.)

So how did my neuroses allow me to finally take a week 16 picture? My belly popped between week 15 and 16 and I was devastated to have missed that on film, it was enough to allow me to push aside all reasons to avoid the picture (which really added up on this particular day… See below for the reasons I am convinced I may have finally cured my crazy fear of improper comparisons!

Week 16: I forgot. I took the picture at 16w1day (compare with legitimate reason from week 13), my favorite yoga pants were dirty so I had to wear different black pants (ref: week 12), Blue and I were running late for work but I forced him to be later (week 10 disaster), I had a glass of water first (see detrimental effects as demonstrated in week 11.)

8 to 18 week Comparison with nice edited pictures

8 to 18 week comparison with 10 week terrible pic included... Clearly I'm right about the importance of using the same location right?

I did take a week 18 picture with all the original rules just for one final comparison shot to make me happy but I have decided that it is now ok to move on to bi-weekly comparisons with the following reasonable stipulations:

I must be wearing black, but any black outfit will do.
I must be standing against a white wall but any white wall will work.
Someone else must take the picture but it doesn’t have to be Blue.
The picture still counts as the week its taken in as long as its with in the first 3 days of the given week.

This is what the Bubble looks like under clothes, its fun to be obviously pregnant

This is a picture that I found on Pintrest (my new obsession) made me realize that I’m crazy and its way cuter to have a little fun with it!

Symptoms Series: Post 3, Holy Boobies Batman!

2011-12-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

***Disclaimer: I am joking, not complaining. I think the booby symptoms are funny not annoying (although it was annoying to have to pay $70 for a bra...)***

Within days of my positive beta I noticed that my bras weren’t fitting so well… This problem persisted until they didn’t fit at all, at which point I moved on to my Fat Day Bra, you know, like fat day pants for your boobs? I keep this bra around but only to break out for the interim time when I need to get my weight in check. The Fat Day Bra has always been my motivator to get to the gym or lay off the cookies.

This time I never made my way back to normal sized bras…. The fat day bra kept getting tighter and tighter… Eventually I had quad boob, you know, the phenomenon where your boobs are busting out and getting cut off half way by the top of the bra so it appears you have four boobs?

I let quad boob persist until I started to notice the full outline of my bra indented in my skin every time I took it off. At this point I admitted I had a problem. My mother in law decided she would fix it so she assumed that I’d gone up a cup size from 36D to 38DD. She bought me a nice bra but then when I took it off it looked like I was still wearing it. Hence this week’s trip to get measured and the inspiration for this post’s name, so, without further ado…

36G: Holy boobies Batman!

Ignore the awful coloring and just look at the difference in boob size in the same shirt... PS I will post an 18 week belly shot this week, i'm just behind in taking them but that is a post about my OCD that I will save for another day!

Here are some of the other booby changes in no particular order:

Veins Galore: I used to look for this sign in the TWW, I remember many a morning staring in the mirror trying to decide if there were more visible veins than normal. This symptom didn’t actually show up until about 7 or 8 weeks (like most of the common symptoms.)

Red, sometimes purple in color: Sometimes when I look in the mirror I want to do the Heimlich on them, they look like the people on TV who are choking and turn weird colors. This probably has something to do with the fact that they are double the size trying to fit in the same amount of skin. It may also be a result of trying to squish them in tiny bras, I’ll let you know in a few weeks.

Sensitive: This one comes and goes. Sometimes my nipples hurt to touch, sometimes my boobs themselves itch so bad I feel like I took a bath in poison ivy, just depends on the day.

Bigger nipple size: I always thought women got bigger nipples from breast feeding, not true. The hormones prepping your boobs for breast feeding seem to prompt this change. My nipples themselves are bigger and so are the areolas.

Stretch Mark: I have officially gotten my first stretch mark. Not on my belly as expected but on my gigantic right boob. This makes me want to cry, probably because of this.

In conclusion, everyone I’ve mentioned the size change to has responded with something along the lines of “well at least Blue is happy!” When I told Blue this he didn’t even laugh, instead he scoffed/pouted and said “doesn’t matter to me, I don’t even get to touch them.”

The Lincoln Dilemma

2011-12-08T14:55:00.001-08:00

Almost two years ago Blue and I fell in love with the name Lincoln for our first baby boy. We’ve wavered and changed girl’s names a million times but we’ve never steered away from Linc for our baby boy.

Sounds great right? We most likely have a kid with a wiener growing in there so just name him Lincoln and move on. Not so fast, the cruelty of IF continues…

A family friend in another state just had a son and named him Lincoln. If we had gotten pregnant just a few months earlier we would have announced our son’s name first because they waited until their son was born.

Everyone else says just name him the same thing, but I can’t seem to get over it so now I’m stuck and Blue and I can’t seem to agree on any other names.

I know it’s petty. I know that I’m pregnant and I should just be happy that I’m the lucky bitch that got the happily ever after, but couldn’t I just get a break?

The Fertile's Club 'aka The Military'

2011-12-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

I used to hate going to parties at Blue’s work. He’s in the military and so it’s a given that there will always be gobs of babies and pregnant women. For the record they are always nice and I always get to snuggle babies, but even before we started trying I just never felt like I fit in…

I’ve always wondered if maybe I just didn’t have anything in common with his coworkers and their families or if it really was because we didn’t have kids.

It was because we didn’t have kids.

When I went to the first party post-pregnancy it was not what I expected at all. Not only were all the women asking me how I was feeling and giving baby advice, the men were too! Guys I had literally never even talked to before were saying congratulations and touching my belly.

It was like I suddenly went from being the junior-high outcast to one of the popular kids over night. I smiled through the whole party and relished in my new found membership to The Fertile’s Club.

I didn’t let myself dwell on how I felt about it all until Blue and I were driving home… Then I wasn’t sure I was so happy about suddenly ‘fitting in’… I was mad that I was right all those years about why I didn’t fit in. By enjoying it I felt like I was burying my infertile past and moving on, which I promised not to do.

Blue, as always, was slow to say anything but when he did it was wise, “they just didn’t know how to start a conversation with you before.” Then there was silence while he let me ponder his wise words.

I think he was right. Most of these couple’s entire lives revolve around their families, they have to move every few years and the one thing that is constant is their family. Most of the women are stay at home moms to help accommodate the military dynamic and probably can’t remember back to a life before they had kids.

I get it. That’s why we go through the heartache of infertility, isn’t it? It’s why we don’t just give up and move on to a life with out children, because we hope someday that our families will be the center of our whole lives. Some people have an easier time with that transition than we’ve had and I guess I can’t fault them for that.

Friendship is an Incredible Thing

2011-11-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

It’s easy to feel totally alone going through infertility, it’s easy to wallow in self pity and tell yourself no one understands. The beauty of blogging is that you realize you're not alone (even if you occasionally forget.) If I wanted to find another blog about an infertile engineer turned pregnant I could probably find it in about 30 seconds. But blogging, for me, hasn’t been about finding 100 other bloggers just like me, it has been about making friendships and connections, and I’ve made one that I hope will last forever.

I came across S.I.F's blog when I first started blogging. I realized she was also from Alaska so I emailed her and we talked back and forth a few times. At the time she was really struggling after an unsuccessful FET but she still made the time to talk with me and support me.

Our few emails eventually turned into a hike, and that’s all it took, instant friendship. The day we went hiking was the day before I started lupron for IVF1.0. She helped me through the fear of what was to come and inspired me to stay hopeful. Most of you know the story of IVF1.0, but if you don’t, here is how it started, and here is how it ended...

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a darker place than I was after IVF1.0. I tried to stay positive, I objectively looked at the situation and pretended to be OK, but I wasn’t. My family and other friends tried to be there for me but they didn’t know what to say. S.I.F was there, always with the right words and a hug.

Prepping for IVF1.5 I was a mess again. I wasn’t feeling hopeful, S.I.F held the hope for me, she stayed positive and about a week before I left she made me a mix tape (the ultimate sign of friendship!) The CD was full of inspiring songs about how I was not in control and just needed to relax and live. It was on repeat in my car for that whole week and when ever I was about to lose it I turned it on and relaxed.

My PP care package complete with 2 teen supernatural romances (which I've already finished...maybe I'm still 12?)

When I was diagnosed with placenta previa and told I could do nothing fun for the next 6 months she made me a basket full of things to keep me entertained. She wrote a hilarious post about it here, but I’ll stick to the serious stuff… What an incredible friend.

I hope that someday I’ll look back at my years of infertility and understand why they had to happen. I think maybe one of the reasons is because otherwise I would never have met S.I.F…

Symptoms Series: Post 2, Morning Sickness

2011-11-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

I’m pretty sure every infertile woman out there has at some point claimed that she would NEVER complain about morning sickness once she finally got pregnant. I was definitely one of those women.

Here it is ladies… I hate to admit it…

I complained… I think I even cried…

Have you ever had the stomach flu or been so car sick or so hung over that you prayed you’d just wake up when it was over? Have you ever felt so awful that you couldn’t get up off the couch, couldn’t stomach the thought of food? Have you ever wished you could go to sleep for the next 2 months so you wouldn’t feel that way anymore? I felt like that for 14 weeks.

I never actually threw up which made me feel even more pathetic for complaining. I couldn’t stand the thought of food yet the Dexamethasone made me STARVING so I ate anything I could get down. Instead of losing weight I gained 10, maybe even 15 pounds (I’m still too scared to step on the scale.) With the exception of Mickey D’s bacon egg and cheese biscuits, I didn’t enjoy a single calorie of food I put in my mouth for 14 weeks and always felt terrible afterwards.

Every time I ate I felt like if I didn’t puke that food up I might die. I seriously considered making myself throw up and even debated with Blue over whether or not that made me bulimic. On top of feeling totally miserable, I also felt guilty because I vowed never to be “that girl.”

I really wanted to be that infertile woman who appreciated every moment of her pregnancy but I am not her. I am proud to say that I did most of my complaining to Blue. I tried to keep it from everyone else but I was miserable and it is hard to keep quiet when you feel that bad.

Every day during those 14 weeks (after telling Blue I was pretty sure this would be our only biological child) I thanked God for this baby, for the medical advances that made it possible, for the opportunity to get pregnant at least once, for fulfilling my dreams even if they weren’t quite what I expected, but I sure as hell did not say thank you for morning sickness because it was awful.

I recently figured out why women are even willing to carry a sibling, it’s because just after the misery of the first trimester comes the beauty of the second trimester. That’s why I wrote this post now, I wanted to get it all out before I forgot just how bad it really was. I’m now 16 weeks and can finally embrace the pregnancy, I don’t feel like hell, I can feel the life inside of me wiggling around… suddenly, like a light switch was flipped, it’s like the first 14 weeks never happened.

Magic.

Symptoms Series: Post 1, Overly Emotional

2011-11-21T11:59:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of posting what ever I feel like, I think I’m going to do a series on symptoms of pregnancy and how they might differ for an infertile…

Here is my first: Pregnant ladies are overly emotional.

I have been tearing up a lot lately. I know this is supposed to be a normal pregnancy symptom, crying at commercials and such. Until Sunday I had only had the eyes welling up, glistening type tears, usually at the end of an episode of a reality TV show where a baby is born.

Now to the weird part, I have yet to cry about our baby. Almost every family member and friend who knew about our IF cried when they found out we were finally pregnant. Not me. Not Blue (though I’ve only seen him cry 2 times ever so it’s not like I was expecting tears from my rock of a hubby.)

I cried when I found out about the blood clotting disorder, which is funny since now it’s the very least of our problems and more dangerous to treat it than to leave it be… But I haven’t actually cried over the fact that I’m gestating a human. I think about it a lot, why I’m not emotional about our baby… I think it’s because it’s too dangerous to let down that wall, because once I do it can’t be re-built. It’s easier to focus on the facts, the diagnoses, and more than anything, it’s easier to just continue on with my self deprecating sense of humor and pretend that none of this is fazing me.

On Sunday I had my first all out pregnancy induced sob fest. Blue and I went to church with our closest friends to watch their son’s baptism. It was a beautiful service and so sweet to watch him glare at the pastor after he put water all over his head! At the end of the service we were supposed to stick around and take pictures, so as the recessional hymn started up we were all going to go forward instead of back.

That was a great plan until the hymn turned out to be ‘I’ll fly Away’.

The last time I heard that song was at my Nanny’s (grandmother’s) funeral, and the time before was the last time I heard my Nanny speak. I was sitting with her at the hospital in her last few days of life and her pastor came by to pray with her. At the time she couldn’t say much but she asked him to sing her. So the three of us sat there in the hospital and sang ‘I’ll fly away’ and ‘The Old Rugged Cross’.

I hadn’t thought about that day at all in the last two years, in fact if I’d heard ‘I’ll fly away’ six months ago it would have made me smile, instead I was over emotional and brought right back into that hospital room. Had it just been Blue and I might have been able to drop a few silent happy tears, but instead I had to run so I could hide it from my best friend’s entire family, then make excuses for why I missed pictures. EMBARASSING!

Maybe someday soon I’ll cry about our little one, I’ll be sure to let you guys know the day it happens. A question for all you pregnant after IF girls, am I crazy? Do you weep over the idea of your baby constantly?

I reclaim this blog as my own

2011-11-18T10:47:00.000-08:00

I used to get really frustrated when infertile bloggers got pregnant and started a new blog. It seemed like they were forgetting their past, moving on to a sunshine lollipops world where IF didn’t exist. Now that I’m pregnant I understand why they do it.

Since I got pregnant I don’t feel like this blog is mine anymore, I don’t feel like I can share my honest thoughts. I give obligatory updates but that’s all. I still read everyone’s blogs and comment but I’ve lost the cathartic release of blogging for myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, time that were I still infertile, I would have spent writing about it, sorting through my thoughts with the keyboard.

The answer I’ve come to is that I’m worried I’ll hurt someone no matter what I write. I’m worried that if I’m having a good day or post a belly shot that I’ll seem like I’m bragging. I’m worried that if I’m having a bad day I’ll sound like an ungrateful bitch who has forgotten her past.

I’ve tried to put myself in your (my reader’s) shoes: what kind of posts would I rather read, happy posts or whiney posts? The problem is that I’m thinking about what you might want to read, not what I need to write.

Did I start this blog to help other people or to help myself? Probably a little of both, but at first I didn’t care who read it, I just needed to write. I need to write again.

So here it is: I reclaim this blog as my own. I will write what is in my heart. I won’t forget my past because IF is still a part of me and my future. I won’t curb my thoughts because I’m afraid they’ll be taken wrong. I’ll continue to read and support those of you still in the trenches and I’m always here if you have questions or need support.

I hope that none of my future posts offend anyone, I hope that you’ll understand that pregnancy and life after IF is still a rollercoaster and will always have its ups and downs. I hope that my readers stick around, but I completely understand if you don’t want to or if it hurts too much, I’ve been there and I haven’t forgotten.

It’s going to be a long winter…

2011-11-16T16:43:00.001-08:00

Today’s appointment with the OB went OK. The bubble is doing well and we got to see it dance around on the screen. We also got a quick shot of what she thinks was a sizable wiener, but just incase it was a glimpse of the umbilical chord we have to wait until the 20 week screen to know for sure.

Unfortunately I also got bad news… I have complete placenta previa which means my placenta is completely covering my cervix. On the ultrasound today we were hoping to see improvement from 2 weeks ago but instead saw the placenta extend out evenly on either side of the cervix. There was some hope at the last US that the placenta might move but after today’s the OB said not to harbor any false hopes, it isn’t going to budge.

The rule from here on out is no fun; no exercise besides swimming and walking on a treadmill, no sexual activity of any kind (literally, not even touching the nipples…) The worst part? These rules continue until 37 weeks. That’s right, from 14 weeks to 37 weeks, which is 23 weeks (161 days) of no action.

Why 37 weeks you ask? Because that is when I’ll go in to see the perinatologist for an amnio to check the baby’s lung function. If all is good they’ll deliver the baby via C-section 2 days later.

Surprisingly the impending C-section doesn’t bother me at all, but that’s a story for another day…

One more interesting development is that I’m off the Lovenox. It is now officially more dangerous for me to be on it than off it because of the previa.

C’est la vie…

Hello 2nd Trimester, it's nice to see you!

2011-11-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe I’m in the second trimester. It’s nice to have positive news to share! Also, my OB’s office called and my NT scan results look great! I’m not sure what the actual result was, just that I shouldn’t worry, so I shan’t.

Here I sit, a worry free Lindsey.

It’s amazing that my whole life until now, including 4 years of engineering school, Blue’s deployment and 2.5 years of infertility, hasn’t taught me that worrying will do me no good. It took conquering IF, being pregnant and getting bad news multiple times to make me realize that worrying wasn’t doing me any good. So now, when the bad news comes, I laugh and I am thankful that I defied the odds yet again, and when good news comes, I am even more thankful.

I pick Infertility

2011-11-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

I don’t remember who told me this story (maybe it’s an old proverb) but it goes something like this: If we were all to write down our problems on a slip of paper and toss them on to a table, then rifle through and pick which problem to have, we would all pick back up our own problems because that’s what we know how to deal with.

I learned the truth of this lesson this weekend.

One of Blue’s good friends and his girlfriend ended up with a little surprise a few years back, they were excited about it and got married and have had a great time since. They had a totally natural pregnancy with a home birth (for the record I’m not a big fan of this.) Their little girl is 3 now and is so precious and such a joy to be around. I have to admit I’ve spent quite a bit of time being jealous of them, wondering why that couldn’t have been us too?

Even lately, since I’ve been pregnant, I’ve wondered why I couldn’t have a perfect pregnancy like her? She never had an US, ate organic the whole time, etc. I’ve sat on my couch numerous times pouting, wondering why pregnancy wasn’t so perfect for me…

About 3 weeks ago the husband started feeling strange and having numbness in his legs. They tried seeing a naturopath and doing heavy metals testing. When none of the homeopathic remedies made a difference they went in for an MRI and just found out he has MS. On top of that, they own their own chiropractic business and don’t have health insurance.

Now suddenly I don’t want to trade problems.

I just want to stay right here in my pregnant after IF life.

My heart is breaking for all of them, for how this will change the course of their lives. I wish I could do anything to help, but for now I think the only thing I can do is give them time to process the diagnosis.

I have great news and not so great news

2011-11-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

I’ll start with the not so great news:

Have I mention that if they test me for it I’ll have it? Please add placenta previa to the list.

As I understand it, placenta previa means that my placenta is covering my cervix. They say it’s fairly common early on and often resolves its self before the baby is due. If it doesn’t resolve its self it means C-section. As for now it means pelvic rest and lifting no more than 10 lbs.

I actually laughed when the nurse called to tell me this yesterday. If I’ve learned nothing else through the last almost 3 years of infertility, IVF and pregnancy, I’ve learned that you have NO control over anything and there is no point in worrying because it won’t change a thing.

Now for the great:

I forgot to tell you I graduated! Graduated from what you ask?

Wanding!

My 12 week scan was all trans-abdominal!!!

12 Weeks and NT Scan

2011-11-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad blogger lately. I’ve even had a few people call/email me to make sure me and the baby were OK. We’re great I promise! Again, I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy and super tired and dressing my dog up as a turtle...

Doesn't he look so happy? Only dog in the world who smiles when dressed up...

Yesterday we had our 12 week NT scan. We won’t know the official results for another week but the measurements looked good. We got a beautiful profile picture of our little one too! Also, the ultrasound tech warned not to decorate the nursery on her prediction but she thinks it’s a boy and as of now her predictions have been 100% correct!

I’m trying not to get too attached to the idea of a boy incase we find out 6 weeks from now that it’s a little girl in there! Either way I’m excited, so our early guess of boy shouldn’t affect me too much. I think Blue might be another story though… He’s scared to have a girl, probably because she’ll wrap him right around her tiny finger and he’ll be there for the rest of his life!

As of now I’m making some serious progresses in the pregnancy symptoms front. Here they are in random order:

I cooked dinner (for the first time in almost 3 months!)
Dex's baby is shrinking and Blue’s baby is growing.
I’m not constantly hungry (since I dropped the dex and progesterone!)
Lovenox is cake! Thanks again for the advice on how to make the injections not sting ladies!
I made it to the magical point where you’re supposed to stop worrying so much
I slept through the night with out getting up to pee last night (no illusions here, I realize this was a freak incident but it seemed worth including.)
I’m getting over the irrational fear that I’m “jinxing” my pregnancy every time I talk to someone about it.
I’m able to eat food besides boxed mac and cheese and pistachios

Now for the list of things I have not been able to make progress on but am confident I will remedy in the near future:

It makes me gag to open the fridge, it doesn’t smell to anyone but me though.
The only acceptable breakfast option is a bagel or instant oatmeal and even those don’t sit very well.
I am always tired. I want to go to bed at 7 pm. I hear mixed reviews on when this will end, but I think Blue will freak out if it doesn’t end soon.
Vegetables sound awful.

Partial DQ Alpha Match

2011-10-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday started as a great day, the grandmas’ and I got to see the little bubble dance all around and even got a very cool video of it to show Blue when he got home. I also got to stop the PIO shots, progesterone suppositories and start weaning the dex. It was also the day I was supposed to be released from Dr. Sher until we went back for a sibling.

It all went well until I got the call from Dr. Sher’s nurse. I was expecting the “congratulations you’re no longer our patient” call, but unfortunately I got the “we received your test results call.”

As I’m sure you’ve picked up on by now if they test me for it I’ll have it…. So, as expected, they tested Blue and I for alloimmune matching and we are a partial match.

Instead of hysterically crying, like I did when they told me I have a blood clotting disorder, I laughed. What else can I do at this point? I rushed to the hospital for another intralipid infusion and instead of wondering if God was telling me I should never have gotten pregnant, I thanked him because clearly with everything working against me I had some intervention from him!

My quick description of alloimmune implantation disfunction is this: It is important for us to have differing immune systems and so our bodies have evolutionarily developed ways to create babies with complex immune systems. One such way is for us to be less attracted to the smell of a person with a similar immune system to our own (for the record I think Blue smells great.) Implantation of an embryo is a lot like a tissue transplant except that with a tissue transplant you want an almost identical immune system, with embryo implantation you want a completely different immune system. If the embryo attempting to implant has similar immune components to the mother, the mother’s system will fight back by creating natural killer cells against the embryo and choking off implantation, or eventually causing an early miscarriage.

What this means for Blue and me?

Since Blue and I have a partial match it means that (statistically) 50% of our embryos will be unable to implant in my uterus.
Because we’ve made it this far in this pregnancy Dr. Sher feels confident that this embryo didn’t match and will stick around for the long haul.
From now on we will only transfer 1 embryo at a time, if we were to transfer 2 embryos (and one of them matched me) my body would attack the matching embryo and inadvertently the other non-matching embryo at the same time, thus wasting a viable embryo.
For this pregnancy, and in future pregnancies, I will need bi-weekly intralipid infusions until 24 weeks.
Most importantly, we’re really lucky that we were able to get pregnant the first time around, especially with 2 embryos transferred.

The Math of IVF

2011-10-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today I had my last ultrasound to be released from Dr. Sher.

The Bubble at 10 weeks, you can clearly see arms and legs now, we even saw fingers today!

I did a little reminiscing today and this is what I came up with…

2 attempted IVF cycles consisting of:

42 Subcutaneous Shots

+ 99 Pills (not including vitamins or supplements!)

+ 81 Vaginal Suppositories

+ 56 Intramuscular Shots

+ 3 Intravenous Intralipid Infusions

(+ 210 more SubQ shots of Lovenox to come)

+ 3 plane tickets across the country

= 1 Perfect 10 week old fetus

I wish IVF math was as consistent as regular math. I wish if you just added the right number of things together it always equaled a baby. Today I’m ecstatic for me but I’m also grieving for all of the other infertile women out there who’s math didn’t work out as well as mine.

Blue put his foot down

2011-10-17T16:21:00.000-07:00

I love my Blue. He is the voice of reason while I am the worrier. Most of the time he lets me go on my merry way and rarely weighs in on a decision I’m passionate about, but every once in a while he puts his foot down and takes a stand. When he does, I listen.

Blue put his foot down this weekend.

Once I fully understood the clotting/lovenox issue I explained it all to him, but truthfully I didn’t expect him to weigh in. I had already decided to go with my Alaska doctors and not take the Lovenox, just request monitoring of my homocysteine levels.

After I explained all of this to Blue he replied in a stern voice, “why would we stop trusting Dr. Sher now?” He went on to explain that we’ve regretted the times we didn’t listen to him and have yet to regret a single thing we did listen to. He pointed out that we aren’t doctors, our choice is which doctor to trust and he trusts Dr. Sher, so do I.

So the decision is made.

I took my first Lovenox shot last night and it wasn’t too bad. Thanks to all the ladies out there who gave advice on how to avoid bruising/stinging.

Updated: 30 mg Lovenox Daily

2011-10-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

I’m not doing so well right now. As if endometriosis, diminished ovarian reserve, autoimmune implantation disfunction and a thin uterine lining weren’t enough, I just found out yesterday that I have a blood clotting disorder.

The worst part is that I don’t even know what type of blood clotting disorder it is yet so I can’t calm myself through research. For the first time I am very unhappy with Dr. Sher’s office. His nurse informed me via email that I had an abnormal result on my thrombophilia panel, meaning I have a high chance of blood clotting during pregnancy and that they want me on Lovenox shots daily for the rest of the pregnancy. Who sends information like that via email, at the end of the day??!!

I couldn’t talk to anyone at their office until this morning and still know as little as I did yesterday because I’m waiting on a phone consult with Dr. Sher. Luckily my sister is a genetic counselor and understands this stuff and is also close with my OB, so the two of them calmed me down enough to make it through the night.

At first the prospect of daily shots for the next 31 weeks sounded daunting, but I’ve accepted that I’m not going to have the sunshine-lollypops pregnancy I imagined during all my IF day dreaming, and that’s OK. But now I have to sit here for an entire week wondering if I’m already too late. Most people start Lovenox before their IVF cycle, not at 9 weeks pregnant. What if I already formed a clot and lost the baby since last week?

I honestly just want to cry. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, feel sorry for myself, and yell “why me!?” to God. Instead I’m sitting here at work because I know there is nothing I can do but start the shots and pray really hard that the damage isn’t already done.

If any of you have any tips on Lovenox please share because I could sure use some.

Update: I have two copies of the MTHFR gene but normal homocystine levels... So my REs office sent the results of the test to my OB, who shared them with my genetic councelor sister, who shared them with the local pre-natal gentetic councelor, who shared them with the local high risk perinatologist. Everyone but Dr. Sher thinks the risks of lovenox are higher than the risk of clotting because the gene polymorphism has not caused my homocystine levels to elevate. Dr. Sher is adamant that I need to be on Lovenox, everyone else is adamant that I NOT be on Lovenox. Now I don't know what the F to do. I've always trusted my OB and my sister sent me to the best perinatologist in the state who concurs, but then again I've always trusted Dr. Sher and he's never let me down...

As for worring about the baby all doctors agree that I shouldn't since the MTHFR mutation doesn't cause early losses. The issue will come in the 3rd trimester when my risk of pre-eclampsia and placental abruption increase.

Fertiles Just Don't Get It...

2011-10-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

My sister is married to a close college friend of Blue. We introduced them the summer we met and the rest is history. The four of us were close until IF struck.

My sister and I had intended to be pregnant together. Blue and I started trying about 8 months before they did… They got pregnant the first month they tried and had a relatively uneventful pregnancy which resulted in my fabulous nephew who will turn one year old in two weeks.

Both my sister and brother in law (BIL) have had troubling being sensitive about our infertility. At first it didn’t seem to bother Blue but eventually it came between him and my BIL too. My sister and I have worked hard on fixing our relationship and are in a much better place now than we have been in a while, but both Blue and I are still struggling with BIL because he doesn’t get it or even try to get it. I think BIL thought the problems would magically disappear once we got pregnant.

After our first ultrasound two weeks ago I got congratulations call from BIL. He proceeded to ask me how exciting it was to see the heart beat, and then to say he knew EXACTLY how I felt and that he remembered how incredible that first ultrasound was! I politely agreed because I appreciated the call and enthusiasm but in my head I adamantly disagreed.

BIL had no idea how it felt to see our baby. He had no idea how it felt to see our baby’s heart beat and feel extreme relief.

After talking to him I realized that pregnant fertiles go in for their first ultrasound full of excitement not fear. They aren’t just seeing their baby for the first time; they are getting an ultrasound for the first time. They are starry-eyed first time parents that don’t even know they should be nervous. They are holding hands because they are so excited.

For us it was so different. I’d been in that same room 10 times before, for 10 other ultrasounds that never showed me anything positive. I was in that same room the day they told me I had 40 year old ovaries. The ultrasound experience wasn’t new for us, it was repeat of the past with a lot more on the line. I already loved our baby with all my heart but I knew better than to get attached. I held Blue’s hand because I needed him incase the news was bad, just like I held his had the day they told me I hadn’t responded to the stims during our first IVF.

Before I ever got to feel excitement I had to feel the full weight of relief lifted off, so no BIL, you have no idea how it felt.

The Silent Struggle

2011-10-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post 9 months ago, when I first started blogging, when I was at a very low point and thought I couldn't go much lower. Blogging has saved my sanity, its gotten me through the times I really thought I wouldn't make it through. It's nice to read this now as I sit here pregnant and think that I can finally let the vulnerability go and maybe help some people in real life. Now that i'm pregnant I want to shout it from the roof tops "This baby wasn't a surprise! We busted our ass and our pocketbook just to get pregnant!"

My infertility has been kept a secret from all but my closest friends and family, this seems to be a common thread with most other infertiles. Why do we keep it a secret? I’m not even sure I can answer this for myself but I’ve been trying really hard lately. I’ve realized that the reasons change with time but beneath the rest lays the heart of the problem: vulnerability.

Surrounding the root of the secrecy is a thick skin. A gradually expanding defense you develop after months of failed baby making, a protection that eventually leads to isolation. At first you tell a friend you’re trying as a fun shared secret, there’s a sly smile on your face. After a few months you start to notice that person looking at you funny and you know they’re wondering where your baby bump is. You start to worry about what you’ll tell them if they ask, dreading the inevitable day they finally do. You don’t know what the problem is but can’t help but feel like a failure, and now this person knows that you failed… It’s one thing to fall on your face but to do so in public is so much worse. So then the secrecy begins.

As the secrecy creeps in the fear sinks roots and begins to grow. Subconsciously you start forming thoughts that start with if we get pregnant, instead of when we get pregnant. The fear and tears are bottled up, balancing on a narrow precipice just waiting for that gust of wind to tip them. When the receptionist at the OB/GYN office asks the reason for your appointment, you break down, because speaking your fears aloud somehow makes them real. Silence is the preferred option, the retreat into isolation begins.

You thank God daily for the internet; you spend hours researching crazy things like ideal basal body temperatures and how long a sperm can live. You’ve memorized every early pregnancy sign and hold out secret hopes that the heart burn last night was caused by pregnancy hormones. You search endlessly for a magic fertility pill/book/diet that will make all the hurt go away and give you a baby before anyone else notices that you failed. You do all of this alone.

The people who do know start to offer suggestions, they mean well and you take it well. At first, but at some point you stop smiling and nodding when you hear the same suggestions over and over. You want to yell when they sweetly suggest it will happen in God’s time. Does the God they know think the 16 year old on TV deserves a baby more than you do? Does he think that the crack addict down the street would be a better mother? You fluctuate between an angry cynical version of your former self and a hysterical weepy one. But to the world you just look blank; you slip away slowly and silently and most never notice that you’re no longer the person they once knew.

Your marriage is at a critical fork in the road, either they’re the rock you completely rely on, or a crack forms in your foundation and grows with time. Then you start in on the vitamins and fertility drugs, you feel like something between an 80 year old and a drug addict. The hormones rage and then suddenly you’re not just depressed you, you’re demonic you! Somehow the raging hormones are controlled by the secrecy too, you reserve all that crazy for the one that you’re either standing on or driving away. At some point you reach a breaking point and hopefully someone is there to catch you.

As you hide in your silence you start to notice that you’re not the only one out there, there is an internet full of other secret infertiles like you. They have your story, they understand you, and suddenly you’re not so alone. The community of infertiles helps become part of the rock you balance on and maybe even starts to repair some of that crack that has formed between you and your closest friends/family.

I realized after writing this that I wrote it in a hypothetical tense and never used the words me or I. So I guess hiding my vulnerability continues. The thing that struck me the most in all of this was identifying how important the community of infertiles online has been to my sanity. I wonder what the implications of our silence are in real life? Are there lonely, depressed women out there who need to hear they’re not alone? Could we make all the difference in someone’s life by just being open about what we’re going through?

Belly Shot...

2011-10-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

I have a really cute baby belly right now. I look like I’m about 5 months pregnant. The problem is that I’m only 2 months pregnant...

It turns out I’m pregnant with Blue’s baby and dexamethasone's baby.

I can't believe I'm posting a picture of my fat belly on the internet...

I hate taking dex. It was OK when I took it with Lupron but as soon as I cut the Lupron the side effects have gotten worse. I wake up hungry every day. I eat a meal, take my last bite and find that I’m still hungry. I’m hungry when I’m sleeping. I’m hungry when I’m nauseous. I’m hungry ALL THE TIME!

Before, the nausea kicked in I could control the hunger but since I started feeling sick all the time I can’t. The only thing that makes me feel better is to eat, so I just keep eating.

They say steroids make you really bloated too, so maybe I'll hold out some hope that my belly will magically disapear when I stop the dex in just 13 more days!

I really hope this is a dex problem and not just a pregnancy thing. If it’s a pregnancy thing I’ll be the size of a whale by the time the baby gets here…

Today I Embrace My Pregnancy

2011-10-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

When I talked to Dr. Sher’s nurse after our ultrasound last week I told her how worried I was about not seeing the baby for 3 weeks. She asked if I wanted another ultrasound. Who doesn’t want to look at their baby another time? So, of course, I said “Really? Yes, please!”

So here we are, 8 weeks pregnant and with more beautiful, fuzzy, black and white pictures of our little bubble. It is measuring at exactly 1 week ahead of last week, 8 weeks 3 days. The heart was clip clopping away at 167, which, from what I’ve read, is a perfect increase from last week also.

Little 8 week old Hunter bubble, you can even see one arm and leg poking out!

I promised myself yesterday (after closing my 500^th go.og.le search of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat) that if everything looked good on today’s ultrasound that I would embrace this pregnancy. Now here I am, with a perfect little one growing away and committed to my promise.

Here it goes:

I will not go.og.le miscarriage anymore
I will not stalk blogs about missed miscarriage
I will tell people I’m pregnant (except for work, I’m waiting until 10 or 12 weeks)
I will remember that there are no guarantees in life and that I am the luckiest girl alive to be pregnant at all!

Fraud Alert

2011-10-03T10:19:00.001-07:00

Since our ultrasound I’ve been doing my best to quit worrying! Everything looked just like it should and so, along the same lines as my PUPO philosophy, I’ve decided to just enjoy it while I can.

We went to a work BBQ for Blue on Friday, and since Blue had already told almost everyone at his work about the pregnancy, (which I think is funny because he is the one who wanted to keep it quiet) I figured it would be nice to be “out of the closet” for a night!

I’ve always struggled with hanging out with the wives of Blue’s co-workers because they all have babies, lots and lots of babies, and I always feel jealous and out of place. A lot of the wives knew we were struggling and several even knew about IVF, they are all really nice women and I’ve always looked forward to getting pregnant and finally having something more in common with them.

So I was looking forward to this BBQ, getting to act and feel pregnant unabashedly! So I talked to other women about maternity clothes, daycare, parenting, etc. I never once prefaced the announcement of our pregnancy with “but it’s still early….”

By the time we left I was beaming, it was so nice to act like a normal pregnant girl! Everything was fine until I got in bed that night and let the weight of IF lay back on my chest.

What was I thinking??

I’m a fraud! I’m not a normal pregnant girl! I’m a PIF! I don’t get to run around acting like everything’s all right!

So I slept fitfully and then woke up the next day symptom spotting, praying for nausea, being a general crazy person, because I honestly thought I might have jinxed myself right out of this pregnancy.

Quick, AWESOME Update!

2011-09-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'll write up the full deal later on, but for now:

1 beautiful little embryo measuring 7 weeks 2 days (I'm 7 weeks today)
1 beautiful little heart beat fluttering at 152 beats per minute

Less than 24 hours before the moment of truth

2011-09-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

I officially have less than 24 hours before I find out if my baby is alive, real, growing, tangible beyond waves of car sickness like nausea.

I’m scared shitless.

I’ve been nervous before now, constantly nervous, but not scared shitless like I am today.

29 days ago our little bubbles got their first picture taken, I fell immediately in love with both of them, and their 4 frozen siblings. Now, if our little bubbles are healthy, they don’t look like bubbles anymore, they look like tiny humans.

In an effort to distract myself and entertain you all I will tell you about a crazy dream I had while I was PUPO….

The dream started out very real (my dreams do this on purpose to trick me.)

I was me, pregnant after our baby-cation in Vegas, excited, etc. For some reason in this dream you didn’t find out anything about your pregnancy until you actually delivered the baby/s.

I remember the 9 month pregnancy seeming very fast and then magically I was out of labor and delivery and going to meet my baby for the first time. In my dream it was not weird to not remember labor or what the sex of my baby was.

I walked into a waiting room and a strange man was waiting there with two baby carriers. Apparently I’d had twins, with a dude I’d never met, also not at all strange during the dream.

When I looked at my two baby boys, they had heads shaped like the aliens from Roswell and 12 lb bodies. They were super fat and had alien heads and I remember thinking they were so cute and that I wish I remembered birthing them.

Now we come full circle… don’t my described babies sound a lot like what a 7 week old embryo looks like?... a little creepy if you ask me.

The Chew Phone...

2011-09-17T11:54:00.001-07:00

I re-read my latest post and I realize I sound a little ungrateful. I want to apologize to all of you still out their fighting the battle. I will try harder to be sensitive in the future, but I just want you to know that sometimes I forget that I’m not still in the trenches too.

I know stressing is inevitable but I’m going back to the attitude I had while PUPO: This may be it, my only time to be blissfully pregnant, so I’m going to enjoy it!

So, on that note, here are my current symptoms, all of which make me smile and cringe simultaneously!

Nausea that is very affected by smells. For example, I’m in the field right now for work (middle-of-no-where Alaska, about a 2 hour flight from civilization) and my cell phone doesn’t work so I have to use the land line in the room I’m staying, apparently the guy who lives there chews tobacco because the phone smells so strongly I gag as soon as it comes anywhere near my face! I have alcohol swabbed the phone and everything but it is still too stinky to use. I have barely talked to Blue in 4 days because I can’t bring myself to use the chew phone…
Peeing all the time. I’m probably peeing twice as often as normal.
Crampy but different than AF cramps (thank GOD!) more like it feels to have a full bladder?...
Strange cravings. Today for a snack I had a cup of chili, I really wanted fresh onions on it so I went to the salad bar to get them and noticed potato salad, it looked so good I plopped a scoop into my chili. It was delicious.

The Three Week Wait...

2011-09-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

Dr. Sher only scheduled ultrasounds for 7 weeks and 10 weeks. Logically I know this makes sense since you can’t see a heart beat until between 6 and 7 weeks anyway, so why get attached so early if it isn’t going to work?

Problem is, I’m already attached.

And now I sit and wait. And wait some more.

I’ve heard nothing since the final, fabulous, beta.

I alternate between embracing this pregnancy fully: blabbing to everyone, knitting baby booties and sweaters, talking to the bubbles, etc. and being scared shitless: go.og.ling success rates after doubling betas, lack of symptom spotting (symptom spotting’s nasty 2^nd cousin), etc.

I’m not sure what to do with myself. Going through IVF has a nice level of instant gratification, apparently I’ve gotten too used to it and I suck at waiting now. Even the daily shots aren’t so bad because it means you’re doing something every day. I guess I shouldn’t complain since I’m still taking the Bangladeshi hooker meds and a progesterone shot in the butt daily, but I just want to know if I’m actually pregnant or not.

Will my whole pregnancy be this way? Will I stress between every ultrasound? Is this just another shit sandwich that IF has served me? I thought I beat that bitch, but now it seems if I’m lucky enough to still be pregnant that I’ll be worried the whole time and won’t enjoy it.

Survivor's Guilt

2011-09-09T16:04:00.001-07:00

I am an infertile. I am pregnant. I was an infertile first and will always be an infertile.

Being a pregnant infertile (PIF) is hard because you really don’t fit in except with other PIFs.

I can think of very few things I have in common with the average pregnant fertile (PF) except, of course, the baby growing in my uterus.

I have a lot in common with other IFs, but I know that hearing about my pregnancy might be hard for them, I know because I’ve been there and done that. I’ve smiled genuine smiles and then cried genuine tears.

Being an IF and hearing that another IF has come out the other side is a very confusing experience. You’re so happy for them. You’re so sad for you. You feel hopeful because they’ve succeeded. You feel like the only one who hasn’t succeeded.

Being a PIF is equally as confusing. You’re so happy for you. You’re so sad for your friends. You want to jump up and down with excitement. You want to hide until the baby is born because you’ve heard too many stories of miscarriages. You are finally pregnant. You no longer fit in. You make the IFs you love sad and the PFs just don’t get you.

I promised myself when I got here I would enjoy every minute. I promised I wouldn’t let survivor’s guilt bring me down. Sometimes I feel like I’m succeeding, sometimes I feel like I’m failing.

Have I told you that I have the best doctor ever?

2011-09-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

My second beta today was 160, which gives me a doubling time of 31 hours!

Doubling darkness pee-sticks from 6dp5dt, 8dp5dt and 10dp5dt

Remember, way back when, I talked about how Dr. Sher believed that I had activated natural killer cells? Since we didn’t have time to do the full blood work before I needed an intralipids infusion, we just went ahead with the infusion and drew the blood while I was in Vegas.

I got my results back today and I do have activated natural killer cells. Read up on Dr. Sher's blog for the full description but what I understand this to mean is that I have an autoimmune response to implantation where my body would fight the embryo trying to implant and thus even if I did transfer a perfect embryo my body would not allow it to implant.

Can I reiterate how smart my doctor is and how glad I am that he let me go through with the intralipid treatment! If I hadn’t this little bubble wouldn’t be growing in me now!!

For any of you girls out there with endo, I really encourage you to look into activated NK cells, talk to your doctor. According to Dr. Sher 30% or more of women with endo have this problem, and if you have a family history of thyroid conditions the risk is even higher.

For now I am just relishing in the fact that I listened to my gut, I went to the best doctor I could find and it was the right decision!

I just realized I never filled you guys in on the V-supps either (well besides complaining about how awful they were). My last, cancelled cycle of IVF after 5 days of stims my uterine lining was only 6mm thick. Dr. Sher will not transfer an embryo unless the uterine lining is at least 9 mm thick. This time, after 7 days of stims and vi.ag.ra suppositories, my uterine lining was 11 mm! Just for reference, even with the v-supps, it didn’t even reach triple stripe, which means it’s a damn good think I took those awful v-supps or we might not have been able to transfer my two beautiful little bubbles!

Knitting Doesn't Knock You Up...

2011-09-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

I didn’t realize until recently that I had totally given up on the idea of ever getting pregnant (I know that sounds crazy since I just finished an IVF cycle…) Even though I was shooting myself up daily and flying all the way to Vegas to attempt the impossible I didn’t have a lot of hope. Even the little hope I had never manifested in an imagined image of myself with a pregnant belly.

I wish I could better explain this phenomenon but I can’t put words to it because it doesn’t make sense to me, I was desperately trying to get pregnant yet I didn’t believe it would ever happen.

So I decided the best way to deal with this was to enjoy being pregnant while I was PUPO (the 8 day wait). I thought of myself as pregnant, I shopped for baby clothes. I even learned to knit and made a pair of baby booties. I enjoyed every minute of my pregnant week, just incase I never had another one.

Isn't it cute! The second booty has alot less mistakes but the first one is cuter because of its mistakes!

The flight home from my baby-cation was the end to my “pregnant week”. I knew when I got home I would pee on a stick and my dreams would be shattered. I boarded the plane with my knitting though, determined to let my week of bliss last one more flight.

I sat down and started to knit and the lady next door to me politely asked who would be receiving these precious booties? Unlike my response for the past week, “I’m pregnant!”, I forced myself back to reality and told her that my husband and I were hoping to have a baby soon. She smiled and recognized the conversation stopper.

Unfortunately the old man next to her didn’t. He leaned around her and yelled in his old man volume, “Well girl, I think you need to have a talk with your momma because knitting booties doesn’t make babies!” He then laughed hysterically at his joke.

Now that I’m actually pregnant I think of it and laugh, but what if my dreams had been crushed? How would I feel every time I saw those booties? I’d probably picture myself clawing out the old man’s eyes.

I will never forget how hard it was to get to this place, but I am determined to enjoy it while I’m here, how ever long it lasts.

PREGNANT!

2011-09-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever I peed on a digital test and it said Pregnant!

I loathe digital tests. It’s so much easier to see one line than it is to see the words not pregnant, it’s like they’re laughing in your face. I was so scared of seeing those words that I took 5 non-digital tests over 3 days before I finally broke down and peed on one!

I learned an important lesson about the trigger shot too, no matter how fancy of a calculator you have you’ll wish you tested it out. Especially if you are a pee-stick hoarder like me. I hate to pee on them since they never have a second line but I love to buy them and I’m superstitious about when I buy them. I took off for Vegas with 11 sticks sitting at home…

I woke up Sunday morning, my first day back from my “baby-cation” and peed on a stick. I decided I would use a FRER (since I had 6 of them…). There was a definite second line but then I looked up my trigger calculator and I could have still had 27 ius of trigger left floating around!

So then I freaked out about it.

Since then I have peed on one FRER and one Answer test each day, the FRER in the morning and the Answer in the PM, and today, beta day I got the balls up to pee on the digi. My beta this morning was 62, which according to betabase is right on track for a singleton pregnancy. I have to admit I’m a little bummed that it wasn’t blazing twinkie numbers but since we have 4 snow babies waiting I refuse to freak out.

For your viewing pleasure, here is my gallery of pee sticks.

For now we are cautiously excited! We aren’t telling any family until we have our 2^nd beta numbers back so I’ll be obsessing and stalking any numbers anyone has out there about 13 DPO betas! Also sorry to all of you for being an absent commenter lately, I have a lot of blogs to catch up on now that I’m back home!

We hit the Jackpot!

2011-08-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

Mom and I woke up early Monday morning, scheduled transfer day, full of nerves!! We hadn’t heard anything about how our embies were doing since Saturday and Blue and I both were really anxious! I think he called every 10 minutes until actual transfer hoping for an update!

When my mom and I got to Dr. Sher’s office we didn’t know anything about how the embies were doing, just that we were going to at least transfer one. We happened to walk by the nurse’s desk and she grabbed my valium off of my chart and underneath it was the most beautiful picture in the world, our two tiny blasts ready for transfer! (Luckily I saw that picture because they didn’t give me an official update until an hour later.)

Our two beautiful bubbles!

I had a good acupuncture session for about 30 minutes and then laid there with a bursting bladder for another 30 minutes. When the doc finally came in things moved fast. He told us we were transferring two today and that we’d have to wait on the embryologist to hear how the other 4 were doing. When the embryologist popped his head in it was the first thing I asked! He told us they were freezing one today and maybe the rest tomorrow.

We were ecstatic that there was one to freeze! Then the doc and nurse prepped me while the embryologist loaded up our little babies (I think they look like little bubbles so maybe that will be their nicknames.) When he came back in he told us that he just checked on our others embies and they were going to freeze all 4 that day because they had all made it to expanded blastocyst!!!

Mom and I immediately started crying and she cried through the whole transfer (I would have to but all of my concentration was on not peeing on Dr. Sher since the nurse was pushing on my bladder with the ultrasound wand!) It was the most incredible experience of my life, watching the little bubble move across the screen in to my empty uterus.

Who else but an infertile can say they watched their babies go into their womb??!! Sometimes I get caught up in the fear and the depression that this rollercoaster brings but then a day like Monday comes along and reminds me of the blessings it brings too.

Cutting pineapple on the hotel bathroom counter (don't worry I alcohol swabbed the entire bathroom!)

So for now I’m eating my 1/5 of a pineapple a day and laying low. My friend A, who I mentioned before, is coming to get mom and I for lunch and dropping us at the airport. We’re going to spend a few quiet days in Tucson letting the bubbles settle in more. I’m so glad I got to meet A and have met so many wonderful women through blogging. I don’t know how I could have gotten through the last 2.5 years without you all. I know I’m not officially pregnant yet but in my mind I’m PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and I’m going to enjoy every second of it while I can!

Here are the final stats:

10 follicles

8 mature eggs

8 fertilized

6 expanded blasts (2 transferred, 4 snowbabies)

First beta scheduled for Tuesday September 6^th!

In Vegas Alone...

2011-08-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

I dropped Blue off at the airport this morning, I’m really sad. It seems like no big deal since my mom gets in this evening but it just hit me yesterday that he won’t even be here for conception… or can you even call it that? Was conception egg retrieval?

Infertility takes a lot of things from you. One of the smallest most inconsequential things it takes is the fact that your husband doesn’t even have to be around. Forget getting pregnant the old fashioned way, I gave up my delusions about that years ago, but Blue not even being in the same state just seems wrong. Blue has been fabulously supportive since IVF 1.5 started and now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do. I didn’t realize how much I’ve been leaning on him.

My mom and I decided to leave Vegas on Wednesday and head to Tuscon to visit my sister who lives there. The last time we were there was during our very first two week wait. I wrote a post about how it felt to giggle and talk about baby names with Blue, about how IF had stolen my innocence, now it’s taken even more. This time he won’t be there with me to giggle.

I know I should be happy. As of day 3 we had 6 healthy embryos growing like weeds, we have so much to look forward to. So why can’t I just enjoy this short period of good news? I think I’m just guarding my heart incase the next report is bad news. Maybe I’ll feel better when my mom gets here… My sister sent me a care package with chocolate covered coconut macaroons in it, that should also make me happy since they’re my favorite.

For now embryo transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11:30. If the embies haven’t made it to expanded blast by tomorrow morning we’ll reschedule for Tuesday. I also scheduled for an acupuncturist to come before and after the transfer so that should be relaxing.

Day 3 Update!

2011-08-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dinner at the Bellagio for our Anniversary!

Sorry for not updating sooner! We got the call on Thursday, our 4^th anniversary, that all 8 of our little eggies fertilized! Needless to say it was a fabulous anniversary!

Nurse SS said she and Dr. SS were really pleased because they usually only expect 70% to fertilize properly. So we defied the odds!

We had to survive two days with no updates which was TORTURE…

They called us this afternoon to tell us that our embies are doing great! All 8 embryos are still alive and kickin’ we have 3 – 8 Cells, 3 – 7 cells, 1 - 5 cell, and 1 – 4 cell. They hope for them to be between 6 and 8 cells at day 3 so 6 embies are right on track. They don’t expect the two little guys to make it but we’ll keep praying for them.

For now embryo transfer is scheduled for Monday at 11:45, but they’ll call us Monday morning if they haven’t made it to expanded blast stage and we’ll delay transfer to Tuesday morning.

I’ll write a post tomorrow about feelings and such, but for now I’m just happy they’re all still alive!

8 Little Eggies

2011-08-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update to let you all know egg retrieval went good.

I don’t remember much of what Dr. SS said but according to Blue we got 8 mature eggs and Dr. SS was happy. We’ll call tomorrow morning for the fertilization report. For once I know there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do to help them and it makes me sad and happy at the same time.

It feels good to let go of some of the control/worry/blame/self loathing. I think I will sleep well tonight for the first time since we got to Vegas, well the first time not including the awesome 5 hour nap I had after ER today!

Blue also gave me my first PIO shot in the bum tonight and it went well. We also played a little blackjack after my nap and won $225. Overall a very good day. Keep our little embies in your prayers tonight!

Getting Nervous

2011-08-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

Blue was a champ with the trigger shot! My arm is still a little sore but otherwise today was a great day. Today was the first day in 20 that I haven’t taken a single shot! It is weird to feel like a normal person… Well not totally normal, I’m still taking the dexamethasone, an oral antibiotic and an antibiotic suppository.

Yesterday I made the mistake of reading a post on Dr. Sher's blog about the importance of the trigger shot. Apparently he had a patient once who forgot to mix the liquid and powder together and just gave herself a shot of water instead of the trigger. When he went in for retrieval he couldn’t get a single egg because none of them matured.

I’m nervous about tomorrow. Egg retrieval is set for 10 am tomorrow. What if I did something wrong? I double checked the trigger shot 10 times so it probably wasn’t that, but maybe it was something else? It’s exciting to have gotten to this stage but I don’t do well with situations I have no control over. I wish I could plan it or organize it or do anything to have control over how it will go.

I guess I’m just going to have to appreciate the fact that I am paying a great doctor gobs of money to have all the control. I’m paying him so I don’t have to worry… so why am I still worrying?

We're Triggering Tonight!!

2011-08-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

We went in for our first E2 and folli-scan this morning. It was a polar opposite trip to our last folli-scan, Dr. SS did the ultrasound himself and my right ovary looked like a piece of popcorn! It was incredible! Even Blue knew it was good news from looking at the monitor. I couldn’t help myself, I kept cheering “way to go ovary!” I think he thought I was nuts. He kept saying, “I told you all you needed was the right protocol!”

I have ten almost mature follicles on my right ovary, (some are even 20 mm already so hopefully we’re not too late for those guys) and only one follicle ready on my left. Dr. SS said sometimes one ovary works great and the other just shuts down so I guess that’s what happened with the left one. He originally thought we’d trigger Wednesday or Thursday so it’s a huge surprise to be ready for trigger tonight! Nurse L showed Blue how to give me the shot today, and wants him to do it in my arm so that should be interesting. I also have to admit I’m pretty excited to start using my ridiculously nerdy trigger calculator, maybe I’ll have to start an experiment with it…

I feel hopeful, for the first time in a really long time. I feel like we might have a shot at this. I was expecting to either have to come back for a banking cycle or to move on to egg donation or adoption. I’m scared to let myself really feel the excitement, but part of me thinks it’s worth it to just let myself be hopeful for once, even if I do get crushed again.

Today I also got to meet another IF sister in real life! We’ll call her A, she’s also cycling with Dr. SS right now. Blue and I had lunch with her and her husband at a great breakfast place near the clinic. It was so nice to look someone in the face who you know is going through all the same things as you! Please keep her and her follies in your prayers since she’ll be going in for another check tomorrow.

I also want to give a shout out to Braving IVF and a fabulous post she put together about what to do in Vegas when you’re here for IVF! Blue and I took one of her suggestions and hit an outlet mall today, when I feel well enough to get out again we’ll be hitting up some of her restaurant suggestions. We're also planning to eat at another restaurant reccomended by A miracle 4 Us, but for now I don’t feel like doing much other than lying in bed, which isn’t even that comfortable!

Made it to Vegas!

2011-08-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

We made it to Vegas! I'll update more tomorrow but for now we're lounging in the suite we got a smoking deal on, an MMA fight and Garth Brooks tonight!

I feel so much better now that we're here, all the bagsmade it, etc!

Granny Panties

2011-08-17T17:55:00.001-07:00

I’ve never been a TMI blogger and I’ll try hard not to start being one today but man are these Vi.ag.ra suppositories nasty! I think I could handle it if we were talking 1 time per day at bed or something, but no, I have to take them 4 times a day.

I seriously can only wear granny panties right now and go through about 10 panty liners a day. Since I only own 3 pairs of granny panties, I think I need to go shopping.

I’m excited tonight is finally here because I take my first shot of Luveris. No, I’m not excited because I love giving myself shots, I’m excited because it means I can quit worrying about how to do it! If you’ve been reading this blog much you’ve probably realized I’m a total spaz/control freak/stress case. I’ve been worrying about the stupid Luveris shot for weeks.

I pulled up a video on you tube today at work just to watch how I was supposed to mix the two, it actually was made by SIRM (Sher institute of reproductive medicine). I’m ready to take off for Vegas so that I’m not just sitting at work worrying about IVF, I feel like a kid with ADD!

Follistim Savings!

2011-08-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

I started stims last night! I also learned a great trick, which I figured I should share with all my bloggy-buddies.

Dr. SS ordered my Follistim in all 300 IU cartridges, I was a little irritated by this because it meant lots of extra shots. Little did I know that he clearly knows all the tricks and was saving me lots of money.

I knew I’d have to take two shots last night since I had part of a 900 IU cartridge left after my last cancelled cycle. I should have had about 150 IU left so I dialed the pen up to 375 and watched in wonder as it continued to go down all the way to 125… 100 IU more than it should have, then I freaked out.

Was my pen dosing me wrong? How had I gotten an extra 100 IUs out of that vial? Then I go.ogl.ed the crap out of it. Turns out many inferts have already figured this trick out. Follistim overloads all of their vials by almost 100 IU.

Here are the number breakdowns in percent savings by cartridge size.

900 IU cartridge - get an extra 11% free

600 IU cartridge - get an extra 17% free

300 IU cartridge - get an extra 33% free

So yet again I learned the importance of having a doctor that knows what they're doing. My last cycle I got two cartidges a 900 and a 600. This cycle I got 6 - 300 IU cartridges.

As for the V-supps, which I also started yesterday, I would rather take 4 more shots a day, they are awful. I’ll save that for another post.

You might be an infertile if....

2011-08-11T15:14:00.001-07:00

You might be an infertile if… the front desk lady at the hospital lab knows you by name.

I’ve become a Jeff Foxworthy joke… Sad.

I get my blood drawn often enough that the front desk lady at hospital admitting actually knows my name. Maybe it wouldn’t be so sad if it was just the doctor’s office, but this is the hospital for Pete’s sake! She looked at me as soon as I walked up at 7:15 this morning, barely awake and said, “Good morning Lindsey!”

Luckily I was still asleep so it took me some time to process how truly disturbing it was.

I have 3 days left of Lupron + dexamethasone, then I’ll add in the V-sups and Follistim. I think the only stop gate before stims is if my estrodiol level from today was high, which it shouldn’t be since I’ve been on BC since my last suppression check wanding.

Do you girls have any great “You might be an infertile if…” stories?

Lupron + Dex = Love

2011-08-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

I waited all weekend to start feeling super exhausted from the Lupron (like last time) but it never happened… Instead I’m sleeping well and at normal hours, I’m not running any marathons but over all I’m feeling pretty darn good!

I decided to attribute this overall “good” feeling to the fact that lupron and dexamethasone are a match made in heaven. One makes you sleepy, one causes insomnia, but together you are balanced.

For now I’m not complaining about anything, not even waking up an extra 30 minutes early to eat and shoot up. I don’t even have any bruises on my belly yet, maybe it’s a positive omen? I am a little hungrier than usual but I’ve made a point of having healthy foods around.

I also talked to my mom yesterday, if you remember I’d been struggling with her and my sister a lot lately. My mom decided to come to Vegas for the second week I’m there (hopefully ET) since Blue has to go back to work. I didn’t realize how down I was about being there alone… I’m so happy that she offered and I already feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I also extended my trip so I’m not coming home until September 3^rd. I originally planned for September 1^st but knew I’d be cutting it close for ET, with the new flight I can relax and won’t have to worry about changing my ticket if things get pushed back some.

You have baby?

2011-08-08T15:24:00.001-07:00

Rewind a month and a half, the last day we were in Europe… (I can’t believe I haven’t written this post before now!)

AF finally showed up 2 weeks late for the first time after our cancelled IVF 1.0. For a little while I was delusional and thought maybe we magically got a BFP, but no. So, just to set the stage, the bitch showed with a vengeance, the worst pain I’ve had in years. We had to leave our hotel room at 10 am and our train didn’t leave for another 7 hours, so we wandered the streets of Prague.

We happened by a Thai spa that offered a “pedicure” where tiny fish ate the dead skin off of your feet, of course Blue could not turn down this opportunity. I on the other hand didn’t want within 10 feet of those fish! Luckily they also offered foot/calf massages.

I sat down for what should have been a relaxing 30 minutes to help break up a pretty awful day. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, when I looked up my masseur and the lady next door were chattering in Thai and looking at me. Finally the lady next door looks at me, points at my belly and says “you have baby?”

I replied “no” with a well placed glare and then spend the next 29 minutes trying unsuccessfully to stop crying. Worst 29 minutes ever. I wish she spoke enough English for me to give her a piece of my mind, but unfortunately it would have been lost in translation…

For the record I’m not the skinniest person around but I am in the normal/healthy BMI range for my height. I just had a horribly bloated stomach from AF and felt awful. I’m not sure whether it was worse to hear some one call me fat, or to be asked for the first time ever if I was pregnant and have to answer no, especially that day of all days.

So why am I revisiting this horrible experience? Well most importantly to share it with you girls, the only ones who would understand how truly awful it was, but also because I’m so scared its going to happen again when my belly gets bloated from fertility drugs. What can I do to hide the bloat?

IVF 1.5 Day 1 (Lupron and Dexamethasone)

2011-08-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here is this morning’s lovely cocktail. I woke up a whole hour before I normally do thinking I’d be ahead of the game. I wasn’t.

I move really really really slowly in the AM.

I got up, let the pups out (Blue is out of town so I have to do his jobs too…) fed them breakfast, drew up my lupron, cooked myself breakfast, ate, swallowed my vitamins and fat cow meds, and then finally shot up. The whole process took 40 minutes, how sad is that??

Besides waking up at the butt crack of dawn, (ok actually the sun rose 26 minutes before me…) today is a great day. I finally started meds, which seems to never come when you’re waiting to start a cycle! I also have a massage scheduled today at lunch, I feel so fancy! And, to top it off I have tomorrow off which means I get to pump myself full of drugs and then fall back into bed!

I’m pleased to let you know that as of yet I am not any fatter than yesterday, we’ll see how tomorrow goes…

Dexamethasone

2011-08-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

I wish I hadn’t Dr. Go.og.led this…

According the Wikipedia this is a steroid used to fatten up cattle, and Bangladeshy prostitutes… It is also addictive, makes you sick to your stomach and causes insomnia.

I get to take it for at least 30 days. Lucky me.

V-Supps

2011-08-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

My meds showed up in the mail Friday! Two giant boxes worth of expensive medicine, needles, syringes, sharps containers, and more vaginal suppositories than anyone should ever have to see, let alone use!

I hate to admit this, but the only part of my new protocol I’m scared of is the vi.ag.ra suppositories (now lovingly called V-supps since I’ve set up hidden phone reminders with this name). According to Blue I should just be happy they aren’t “traditional” suppositories, I think these are easy words coming from someone who doesn’t have to take them 4 times per day for the next several weeks…

The medicines that are “new” to me are dexamethasone, Lu.ver.is, V-supps, intralipids infusion, ciproflaxcin, clydomycin suppositories. Does anyone who’s been-there done-that have any tips, warnings about any of them?

I’ve heart the dex makes you gain weight and sick to your stomach (but don’t they all). I start it on Thursday with the Lupron so wish me luck!

Super-Nerd Trigger Calculator

2011-07-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) trigger shot, it is a single dose intra-muscular shot given 36 hours before egg retrieval to help mature the eggs. Because this shot is made of HCG, the pregnancy hormone, it makes at home testing tricky.

If you test too early on a non-triggered cycle you won’t have any HCG in your system and so you’ll get a BFN. If you test early during a triggered cycle you may see a line on your pee stick that is just from the lingering trigger and not from a burrowing baby.

This potential false positive scares me. It scares me enough that I worried about it for other people when we were still trying au natural. I’d look at other girl’s peesticks and roughly calculate how much HCG should be left and if it might be a false BFP.

If you can’t tell I’m kind of a worrier.

One of the first things I did when I got my IVF 1.0 calendar was create and excel trigger ½ life calculator based on a 10,000 unit trigger shot and the average ½ life I was able to find on the manufacturers web site. Of course, since last cycle was cancelled I never used it.

Today I opened the spreadsheet and realized I’d used overly simple logic and I knew that would bother me. I had used linear interpolation to estimate the amount of trigger left when the equation is clearly exponential and to a math nerd like me that is very irritating.

So I rebuilt it.

I plotted the half life, 29 hours (with a confidence interval of +/- 6 hrs) and found the equations for each using a trend line. Excel is a very smart tool and did all the work for me. Now I have a fabulous calculator which allows me to enter trigger dosage and number of hours since injection and outputs the low, likely and high residual HCG in my system.

Have I mentioned I’m a huge nerd?

If anyone would like a copy of the file (which also has a beta doubling time calculator) just send me your email address and I’ll send it on over. If I get bored tomorrow or have any requests I’ll add on a booster shot function.

IVF 1.5 Schedule

2011-07-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Last week I had an hour long consult with Dr. SS’s nurse, we’ll call her Nurse L. We went over all kinds of stuff in the appointment including the protocol I’m on and the four new meds I’ll be taking. Somehow I didn’t even realize until midnight that it was a long lupron protocol!

I freaked out, I was on a long lupron protocol for my last IVF (which was cancelled for poor response!) So of course I didn’t sleep, went over every possibility in my head and finally morning rolled around and I groggily emailed Dr. SS with a long list of questions.

His response helped, but not entirely. He basically said this: Your blood work came back great, your AMH was higher, your FSH lower and all other numbers were with in normal range. If we put you on the A/ACP we talked about you’d be at risk for OHSS because we couldn’t use your E2 levels to monitor your progress (this is a downfall of the protocol).

So here is the final protocol / schedule:

8/4 - Start Lupron and Dexamethasone

8/7 - Last BCP (hopefully ever!)

8/8 - Cut lupron dosage in half

8/11 - Baseline E2

8/15 - Start stims (Foll.istim) and via.gra suppositories (4X per day…ick)

8/17 - Start luveris (LH injection) lower stims from 375 IU to 225 IU

8/18 - Intralipid infusion

8/20 - Leave for Vegas!! (also Garth Brooks concert!!!)

8/22 - First US/BW and meet Dr. SS

8/24 or 8/25 - Prob Trigger

8/26 or 8/27 - Prob Egg Retrieval

8/31 or 9/1 - Prob Embryo Transfer

Wish me luck, just one week until I start the dreaded lupron injections again…. IVF 1.5 Here I come.

Welcome ICLWers!

2011-07-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

The best way to learn about me is to read my blog, so here are some fun links to follow!

Me and the pups hiking last weekend

I’m Lindsey, I mostly blog about the love of my life Blue, our two pups Panda and Trapper, the bitch we all know as endo, my newest diagnosis of DOR, being an infertile myrtle, and of course IVF in Vegas baby!

If you’re looking for a roller coaster ride, look no further. I’m up one day, down low the next, you never know what to expect in this crazy world of IF and since this is my outlet I lay it all on the line.

Also, If you are having trouble commenting on blogs see this post.

Infertoholic

2011-07-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

I imagine myself walking into a dingy community center with a piece of paper on the door saying “Infertile’s Anonymous.” When it’s my turn to talk to the room full of other infertiles this is what comes out…

My name is Lindsey and I’m an Infertoholic

I used to smile, now I pretend to smile.

I used to go to the doctor once a year, now I go once a week.

I used to feel healthy, now I feel sick.

I used to take 1 pill a day, now I inject myself regularly.

I used to eat gluten, now I dream about it.

I used to hope my daughters wouldn’t have Blue’s nose, now I pray they do.

My life revolves around my next infertility fix, whatever it is that day/week. Maybe it’s a doctor appointment, or lab results, or another wanding? Maybe it’s Dr. Goo.gle.ing, or acupuncture, or that piece of pizza I have to watch everyone else eat? Maybe it’s the vitamins, or the injection video I need to watch, or questioning the protocol my doc put me on?

Whatever IT is that day, IT consumes me. I can’t think about anything else. If it appears that I’m paying attention it’s because I’m a great pretender.

Infertility has taken over my life.

I can’t believe my family and friends haven’t forced me into an intervention yet.

Gambling in Vegas

2011-07-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

My repeat CD3 hormone panel is back.

AMH – 0.8

FSH – 8.3

Estrodiol - <20

All low/normal results for my age, according to the nurse this may mean I don’t have diminished ovarian reserve at all...

When I originally spoke with Dr. Sher he planned to start me on 600 IUs of Folli.stim for the first 3 days of stims and then to reduce it slightly. My new protocol (since he got the blood work results) is 375 IUs per day for the first two days then 225 IUs from then on.

I’m feeling pretty optimistic since I talked to her.

The decision is go with option C; go to Vegas planning to transfer and if things aren’t looking great at egg retrieval, head home early and return to Vegas in October.

The only downside is I’ll need several medications that won’t be necessary if we don’t transfer (but they won’t do any harm either) and we’ll have to make some last minute flight / hotel changes.

It will mean a little more money, but that’s what gambling is all about right? You can’t take home the prize if you don’t pay the ante.

Blue makes me laugh

2011-07-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

The last box I needed to check to guarantee IVF in Vegas wouldn’t be cancelled was a sonohystogram. I explained it to Blue and told him I would appreciate if he came. I’ve been feeling really alone and I wanted him to be more involved in all of the IVF stuff this time around.

I started to feel really sad when we were sitting in the lobby because it doesn’t seem fair that this is the third sonogram he’s seen and most males never see one until they’re looking at their child.

Then I started crying because I saw a child sized chair. Luckily this was crocodile tears rather than the sobbing I’ve been doing lately.

Finally we got called in and when I was sitting bottomless on the table Blue looked at me questioningly and asked “so they’re going to put water in your vagina?” I’m still laughing just thinking about it! I try so hard to explain this stuff to him but it never seems to sink in.

The procedure started and I made jokes with the doctor and ultrasound tech because I didn’t have any other choice. If I didn’t laugh I’d cry, so I chose to laugh. The procedure went fine, no polyps or fibroids.

On the way home I cried and Blue looked confused. Finally he said, “but I thought you were feeling better. You laughed with the doctor.”

I guess we’ll never completely understand each other….

Whats wrong with me?

2011-07-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

I cried myself to sleep last night. Not a few glistening tear drops either, I bawled, and sobbed so hard I shook the bed and woke up Blue.

Here is a little taste of my internal dialogue...

“God, why would you let me have it in my heart to be a mother and not make it possible? I’m sorry Jesus, I know you don’t work that way, I’m sorry I haven’t been going to church. I feel so alone. I wish I could talk to my family, I wish I could talk to my friends, I wish Blue understood.” Then repeat that again, over and over for an hour until I finally ran out of tears and energy.

I should be so excited and filled with hope. We’re leaving in a month for IVF with the doctor I trust the most in the world, we can afford it, my work is giving me the time off paid, everything is working perfectly.

Why do I feel so hopeless? Why aren’t I smiling ear to ear?

I’m sorry I haven’t responded to any of the comments on my last post, I promise my next post will be informative and not just Debbie Downer.

Consult with Dr. Sher

2011-07-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

A lot happened yesterday. Here is a quick and dirty list.

Had my consult with Dr. Sher (we will now call him Dr. Super Smart)
Decided to go to Vegas for the August 22nd cycle
Cancelled my meds for the cycle I was supposed to start next week
Told Dr. BFP we’re through
Got wanded by an incompetent male to make sure I’m cyst free, and I am
Told my boss I’d need time off and confirmed it’s all paid!
Gained a whole new conundrum regarding embryo banking

The consult was incredible, Dr. Super Smart spent an hour and ten minutes going over my entire medical history and filling me in on my options. He is very confident he can get me pregnant the first round using the A/ACP and intralipids infusion. We won’t need to use CGH because my haggard ovaries don’t effect the age/quality of my eggs, just the number available. He thinks for every two blasts we get that at least 1 will be chromosomally normal.

It was all super positive until he moved on to tell me I need to talk to Blue about how many kids we want because after getting pregnant and then breast feeding my ovaries may be completely done for.

What he suggests is that if we don’t get enough eggs the first time around for two babies that we freeze them all and don’t transfer any. Come back a month later and do another round where we actually transfer. He calls this embryo banking. With this scenario I could take my time between kids and even have my ovaries removed if the pain is bad enough.

I think it’s the smart thing to do, problem is that it means I have to wait a whole extra month and a half to even try to get pregnant. In the scheme of things that’s really short but to an impatient infertile who is totally sick of waiting it is TORTURE!!

Luckily he said we can wait and see how I respond to meds (he is quadrupling my Foll.i.stim dose) and then decide what package to buy before egg retrieval. The problem with that plan is that we have to prep for a transfer which means tickets and hotels for 12 days instead of 5, intralipid infusions, and a sonohystogram at home (rather than during egg retrieval for free.)

What do you think I should gamble on in Vegas?

Option A : Trust a single round to produce enough embryos for 2 babies

Option B : Pay up front for 2 egg banking cycles, first transfer in October

Option C : Plan for A but make the call at the last minute if B is necessary

Vindicated

2011-07-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve been having a tough time around my family lately, especially since the cancelled IVF cycle. I’m really feeling my hope start to wane and it makes it even more difficult to be around babies and their overenthusiastic parents.

My sister and her husband are the epitome of overenthusiastic parents. I’m pretty sure they actually think my 8 month old nephew poops rainbows. In a different world, if I weren’t going through IF I might think something similar, unfortunately I live in the real world where IF exists.

My nephew is wonderful and so cute and all the things an 8 month old baby should be, but my sister and her husband make it really hard to be around him. All they want to do is talk about him, stare at him, push him in your face, etc. It is emotionally draining.

This weekend we went out to my parent’s cabin, a fabulous lake place where all the worries in the world should float away…. Instead it became another weekend all about the baby. I was so overwhelmed by Sunday that Blue and I escaped to a friend’s cabin on another lake for a few hours of baby free zone.

The family we went to visit is like Blue’s second family, and some of my favorite people in the world! They went through a long battle with infertility 30 years ago and eventually adopted their son who is one of Blue’s best friends. The mom has been a wonderful sounding board from the start of our IF journey. She’s been there, done that, and not forgotten how hard it was.

When we went by their house on Sunday it was so peaceful. I complained for a quick minute about how hard it had been at my parents but after that we just enjoyed one another’s company.

The next day my whole family decided to go by there to visit and ended up staying several hours. I had my fill of baby time not very long into the visit and so I strategically avoided my sister and her husband the rest of the day.

Eventually, when we had a minute alone, the Mom and I sat down and she looked at me with pity and said, “Wow, I didn’t realize it was this bad!” She went on to explain that she thought my sister was being completely insensitive and she could see how hard it was for me just to be around them. She said all the things I’ve been thinking, feeling and worrying that I was over-reacting about. Hearing her say them all back was the best feeling ever, I was vindicated! Finally someone understood, and it was even someone who had their happy ending and hadn’t struggled with IF in 30 years!

I guess this taught me several lessons, or at least re-affirmed them:

You never stop being an infertile after you’ve been through the trenches, you’ll always be a wonderful resource for other’s going through IF because you’ve been there and done that.
Some people will never get it and will always be difficult to be around until you have a baby in your arms.
You don’t always have to say yes to every family function. It’s OK to take some time away for your sanity!

Some Bad News, Some Good News

2011-06-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

Here is the news I got:

On Tuesday Dr. BFP’s office called me back about my blood test results. The first words nurse smiley used were pre-menopausal. I thought that was mean. I had to push her to get the actual numbers so that I could do my own research. At first she only gave me my AMH (anti-mullerian hormone), after some pushing I also got my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone.) Dr. BFPs diagnosis was diminished ovarian reserve.

Here is what Dr. Go.og.le taught me:

The AMH is a hormone produced by the granulosa cells of the early developing antral follicles. These are the immature eggs that wake up from their dormant state and develop into mature eggs. As a woman runs out of eggs, the number of these small antral follicles decline in number and as a result the serum Anti-Mullerian hormone falls. This is why serum Anti-Mullerian hormone testing is a good estimate of residual egg number.

High (often PCOS) - > 3.0 ng/ml

Normal - > 1.0 ng/ml

Low Normal - 0.7 – 0.9 ng/ml

Low - 0.3 – 0.6 ng/ml

Very Low – < 0.3 ng/ml

My AMH is in the low range, ouch, I’m only 27! The weird thing is that my FSH is in the normal range…

Here is the plan:

I don’t have much time to screw around. I’m working on borrowed time and I’m ready to start taking this seriously. Motel Six is out, Ritz Carlton is in. I have a consult set up with Dr. Sher next week and if all goes as planned I will be cycling with him in Vegas in August. For the record I just want to say that I like Dr. BFP and his team and a girl I met through blogging actually got pregnant with him using the same protocol and dates as me! Go congratulate her!

I made this decision for a lot of reasons but one of the most important is seeing how multiple rounds of IVF hormones have impacted a friend's endometriosis. She went from no sign of endo to Stage 4 in a year!

Our original plan was to give Dr. BFP one good shot and if it ended in BFN to move on to Dr. Sher. It’s a matter of interpretation but for all intents and purposes I have given him his shot, we didn’t get to egg retrieval but I still went through 6 days of stims which is the part that will damage my body the most.

I don’t believe in the protocol that Dr. BFP wants to use and I think its time to give my body, and future babies, the best chance they’ll have, which is with Dr. Sher.

Someone is looking out for me

2011-06-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Now that you’ve heard the non-IF version of our trip, I’ll fill you in on the IF parts!

When we took off for Europe, on May 31^st, I was expecting AF to show within a few days. Nurse smiley and I agreed on a plan: AF would show, I’d restart BCPs on day 1 and then stop them so that AF would start two days before we got home. I would get blood drawn as soon as we got home (CD3) for the antimullarian hormone panel.

So not only did I just have a failed IVF cycle but I knew I’d have to deal with AF two times on the vacation of a lifetime! I had decided to eat gluten and dairy on the trip also, which made me worry about the pain factor.

We took off on our trip (with loads of La.cta.id, Ce.leb.rex and tampons.) AF didn’t show, didn’t show, etc. By about the 6^th day of the trip I was starting to get that false sense of hope that comes along with IF. I was saying out loud to Blue, “I know I’m not pregnant”, but inside I was saying, “maybe I’m pregnant?...” I broke down in the Florence train station and bought a HPT.

The first thing I did in Venice was get a BFN.

I got pretty down in the dumps, poor me, etc. Finally the excitement of the trip won out and I ignored the fact that AF hadn’t shown. By the time we got to Prague AF was really late and I was starting to get mad thinking I would need to jump start my period with Pro.ver.a.

Instead, AF showed on Sunday night Prague time (Sunday Morning AK time). The perfect time so that CD3 fell on the day we got home. If AF would have showed 1 day earlier we would have been delayed a whole month (or two) for IVF 1.5!

The two AF days that fell in the trip were BRUTAL, but that’s a story for another day. For now I will leave you with this thought: someone is looking out for me.

Europe, Oh How I Love You....

2011-06-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

It was the perfect vacation, for the perfect length of time, and with the perfect companion.

Here’s a quick run down of all the places we went, I pre-apologize for the over use of exclamation points and the words wonderful, incredible, fabulous, etc.

We happened to be in Rome during their 4th of July so they hung a giant Italian flag on the Coliseum

Rome, Italy - We loved it! I was worried I wouldn’t like the contrast of an ancient city with a bustling modern city around it, but for Rome it works! It was incredible to walk from our hotel to the Trevi Fountain and the Coliseum, the food was wonderful and the people were surprisingly friendly for a big city! We even went out one night to an under ground Roman dance club with some locals, too fun!

Kissing in front of the Trevi Fountain

Tuscany,

Italy

- Wine, delicious wine. I liked this one a lot more than Blue who isn’t a huge red wine fan, I drank his share. The Tuscan countryside’s beauty is not over exaggerated by the movies; it is really is that incredible!

We spent a day scooting around Tuscany, AMAZING!

Vernazza, Italy - The western coast of Italy on the Mediterranean, beautiful, warm water, good food, so relaxing. What else could you ask for?

Standing on the pier in Vernazza after a swim

Venice, Italy - So much culture and history! The birthplace of Carneval, Vivaldi, marionette puppets, and Cassenova. We took a romantic gondola ride through the canals with a bottle of wine while our gondolier serenaded us, ate fabulous food, wandered through history and kissed on the Rialto Bridge.

Gondola ride through the canals of Venice

Ljubljana, Slovenia - We were in and out of Ljubljana twice, both for short times but we made a point of enjoying the time we had. We wandered through the giant market in old town where you can buy anything from fresh fruit to underwear. We also took a self guided pub crawl before getting on our over night train, too much fun!

Wandering around near Ljubljana Castle

Murter, Croatia - Our vacation with-in a vacation, five fabulous days on an island in the Adriatic Sea. We got sunburned daily but it was worth it! All women there from 8 to 80 wear bikinis, no one was self conscious, and it was wonderful! We also found the best Italian food restaurant ever! Sounds weird after a week in Italy huh?

The sunset off our balcony in Croatia

Prague, Czech Republic - The most stunning architecture I’ve ever seen, everywhere you looked was so mesmerizing! We also went to a dance club that was 5 stories high with each floor being a different theme, very cool.

Blue rubbing the statue on Charles Bridge in Prague for good luck

It was a well needed trip for Blue and I, we had so much fun together and came home refreshed and ready to enjoy the Alaskan summer and the fertility cocktails that will be headed our way soon!

Commenting Problems

2011-06-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

I apologize to everyone, I've been catching up on all your blogs but there were only a few I could comment on. I think I solved the mystery though, in case anyone else is having this problem.

Problem: You write a comment, ask to post as your google account and it makes you sign in and then brings you back and makes you sign in again, over and over.

Fix: When you go to sign in the first time, enter your login and password and then UN-check the remember me button.

I have no idea why this works but I just tried it and it does. Good luck and I'll be back soon with the full Euro-trip post!

I'm Back and Tan!

2011-06-22T15:31:00.001-07:00

I’m back from a fabulous break from real life. Three weeks in Europe was a dream. It cost a fortune, it was worth it. Hopefully I still have a few followers lingering out there who haven’t forgotten me. I promise to spend the next few days catching up on all your blogs and commenting!

The trip was INCREDIBLE! We saw and did so much I don’t even know where to start. I’ll try not to go on and on about our trip since this is an infertility blog but I’ll have to warn you tomorrow’s post will be all about Europe.

We were on US soil less than an hour before we jumped back on the infertility train. We stopped at the hospital to get blood drawn for the anti-mullarian assay before even going home. The results should be back in about a week and then we’ll know what dosages of follistim to use for our next cycle which will start in about 3 weeks. I’ll write a post soon on protocols but I have to admit I’m pretty frustrated on that front right now and I’m not ready for anything to bring me off my post Europe high!

On an interesting note, Blue and I started seriously considering adopting from Poland while we were gone. We looked at Polish adoption blogs together and decided that even if we get pregnant on our own we’ll probably try and adopt from there later. Blue’s grandpa was Polish and grew up in a Polish orphanage in New Jersey so if we go the international adoption route we’ll definitely focus on

Poland

Protocols...

2011-05-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

I’m torn. I used to trust Dr. BFP but now I’m not so sure. Maybe I jinxed him by naming him Dr. BFP?

When the nurse called to tell me my cycle was cancelled she said they had put me on the long lupron protocol because I was young and healthy and they thought the endo was mostly blocking my tubes, but my ovaries responded like I was about 10 years older. What bothers me is that most of the other endo girls I’ve talked to were never put on the LLP because they’re docs expected their ovaries to act older than they are. Why didn’t my doc know this?

Maybe this is what I get for going to Motel Six instead of the Ritz Carlton?

I’ve always wanted to see Dr. Sher in Vegas but the stress of travelling has been a big part of holding me back, and of course the cost…

Currently I’m trying to convince Dr. BFP that instead of the microdose flare protocol he wants me to use he should put me on the agonist / antagonist conversion with estrogen priming protocol (A/ACP+e2v) that Dr. Sher recommends. I have a feeling he’ll fight it hard, or just say no. I ran the idea of immunological implantation issues by him when we had our first consult and I could tell he wasn’t a big Dr. Sher fan…

So now I’m torn, do I proceed with a cheap cycle with Dr. BFP and see how it goes, then go with the big guns with Dr. Sher if it doesn’t work? Or do I switch right away if Dr. BFP won’t try this protocol?

If I start travelling for IVF I will have to tell my work about it and I’m not really ready for that, there are so many things to worry about now, I miss the care-free girl I was 2 weeks ago.

Is blogger broken again?

2011-05-24T16:33:00.001-07:00

Not sure if it’s just me or what but I can’t seem to comment on anyone’s blog today, not even my own… So I apologize again for not being the best ICLW participant, I swear I’m trying!

Indulgance

2011-05-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

It’s my first ICLW and I took 2 days off blogging/commenting! Sorry for being a slacker but now I’m back, I promise. I’ve linked to some of my older posts that you might find interesting if you’re new to my blog, I think they show up as pink words.

Blue and I had a great weekend with friends and family. I was feeling pretty mad at the universe because I had done EVERYTHING right and still wasn’t any closer to being pregnant, so I did everything I’ve denied myself lately.

I ate Gluten, I ate dairy, I drank coffee, I drank wine, beer, champagne, etc. I rode jet skis. I lived my life. No regrets.

I’m back on the train for a bit though; I’ll be good again until we leave for Europe (in 7 days!) While we’re there I’ll be stocked up on Cel.ebre.x for the pain and La.ctai.d for the tummy.

I feel like more has happened in the last week than I am even able to process and I’m a little mentally overwhelmed by it. Blue came home, it’s been incredible to have him home but that means less sit and process time for me which I guess in the wake of the shitty ovaries revelation is probably a good thing.

I processed these things about myself/Blue/TTC since Tuesday while explaining to people why we had to cancel this IVF...

I have to Deal with the ovaries I’ve been dealt. I was given shitty rapidly ageing ones and now I just have to play the game a little different.
I really want to be pregnant.
Neither Blue or I care about having a biological child, we just want a child.
I’m not ready to consider adoption because it means I wouldn’t get to carry my child and I really want that experience at least once.
I care more about our babies having Blue’s genes than mine, his are better.
I’d like to try at least once more with my eggs, but I’m totally OK with moving on to donor eggs in the near future.

I’m actually torn because at this point we’re just ready for a child and I hate to keep wasting time and energy on a futile cause... So here is to hoping this isn’t a futile cause and this next attempt at IVF will bring us our little miracle.

Welcome ICLWers!

2011-05-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome ICLWers! This is my first time participating and I’m excited to find new blogs to follow!

As the title of my blog suggests, I am just another endo girl trying to make a baby in the arctic. I blog about the rollercoaster called infertility, sometimes I get down in the dumps but I try hard to get back up as quick as possible.

Here is a quick recap of the last 2 years…

Dropped the BC, laughed about baby names, cried every time AF showed, had endo surgery, Dx with stage 3 endo, cried some more, tried clomid, went gluten and dairy free, tried acupuncture, tried IVF, found out my ovaries are old.

The old ovaries thing is new. I found out last Tuesday that I wasn’t responding to IVF meds very well. Tuesday was a very bad day but I’ve been able to find some light in the darkness. Blue, my fabulous hubby, and I are going to Europe for three weeks starting next week and I plan to eat as much pasta, cheese and wine as I can get my hands on.

I hope you’ll follow me on this crazy ride and I hope I make you laugh along the way.

Reasons I Should Be Happy

2011-05-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

I made this list as a reminder of the good things for when I get down in the dumps. So in an effort to return to positive Polly, here are the positive things that came from the rollercoaster of the last few weeks.

Blue is Home

Everything is easier to survive now that he is home. He doesn’t know what to say but just the fact that he’s calm and gives good hugs helps a lot.

Time

Because the stars aligned and we were able to start our cycle early we found out that my ovaries are shitty earlier. If we had waited it would have been that much harder to hear. As it is now we need to take a month off anyway and we just happen to be spending the next month in Europe. Maybe the stars aligned again...

Wine

I get to drink wine in Italy. I’m not sure this requires an explanation.

Bikini

I will be laying on a Croatian beach, much like the one pictured above in about 2 weeks. I will be wearing a bikini and there will be no bruises on my belly or butt. I also hope that the damn Lupron bloating will have gone down…

Jetskiing

Memorial day weekend at my parents cabin. I will go jet skiing and I will not worry about shaking out the baby.

Withered Ovaries

2011-05-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

Here is the story now that I’ve had time to process and cry and then cry some more.

I thought that I had mentally prepared myself for everything that could go wrong with this cycle. I was prepared to hear I over-stimulated and needed to hold off on transfer. I was prepared to hear we had to stim a few extra days. I was prepared to hear we had no embryos left to freeze. I was even prepared for a BFN.

I was not prepared to hear that my ovaries responded like a 40 year olds should. I was not prepared to have my entire cycle cancelled. Even with the low follicle count at the ultra sound the word “cancelled” never even crossed my mind.

How could I have been so unprepared?? I was so worried about being positive Polly that I let myself get blindsided. I don’t think I’ve ever cried for as long or as hard as I did yesterday, talk about an emotional wreck.

I thought that the low follicle count was the bad news, it wasn’t. They want your CD8 E2 levels to be above 800 and mine were at 79. That’s right, a whopping 79. I basically didn’t respond at all. The follicles that the ultra sound tech told me about were too small to consider according to my doctor. I had only one 10 mm follicle and that’s what they’d expect to see from a normal woman on a normal cycle with no meds.

Isn’t endometriosis enough? I always knew I’d been dealt a rough hand with the endo and associated pain and infertility, but I just assumed that was it. I guess it wasn’t and I wasn’t prepared to hear it. Now I have a whole lot more to worry about.

The path forward is to stop all meds, have a period, start BCPs (so I can enjoy Europe with less pain) and then start the next cycle when we get home. The new protocol will be microdose flare. I really don’t even know what that means yet. I don’t know anything right now but to breathe through it and distract myself until I can be alone and break down again.

I would really appreciate any advice (or happy stories you’ve heard) from girls who’ve been poor responders to the long lupron protocol and where they went from there. If you’d like you can email me at lindsey(dot)l(dot)hunter(at)gmail(dot)com.